[Ryan] Sink Or Swim

[Joel Carter Foster]

Joel sat still, staring at the switchboard as he heard his phone go off. He knew it was Madeline, by the ring tone. She’d tried calling him a lot today. Well,forty-eight…now nine..times, total. He licked his lips before he turned his head to the left and flipped his hair to the side quickly. August 21. It was his brother’s birthday, today. And he’d had his first drink probably at about two this morning.He’d already kicked out a couple of producers that Logan had sent in, and he was sure they probably told him that he smelled like scotch. Or whiskey. Or a various amount of things. ’ Call me’ flashed on the screen of his phone but instead he leaned back in his chair. What gave David the god damn right to do what he had done. Right when Joel was starting out his ‘career’. Madeline was gone to the states. All Joel wanted was to be a singer. Him and David used to talk for hours into the night, talking about what it would be like, about how David would be there by his side every step of the way. Just like that, every plan they made. Gone. He knew from their mom that David had tried calling Madeline. She’d been at a photoshoot and he left her a voicemail telling her he loved her. Where was his voicemail? He was the one that saw him every day. He was so much of a damn coward, that he couldn’t talk to Joel?

It was Sunday. Which meant that he was going to have to show up at Logan’s at some point. It was one thing to drink almost all day, but if he didn’t show up at Logan’s he knew that they would basically intervention his ass at the studio. It would be easier to put on a smile, say it was good to see everyone. Easier than dealing with that look. He hated the ‘look’ people gave you when they found out. He didn’t need peoples sympathy. He needed his brother. But then again, there was precious Ryan. What perfect timing that had been. For his parents. For Madeline. His brother was gone, and all of the sudden Ryan O’Neil is in the picture. Distracting Madeline from what had happened. Filling the void for his parents on what a perfect son would be. Seriously. Look at him. He wasn’t supposed to be what Madeline’s dad was impressed by. So why was he? Because he was replacing his son with Ryan? Fine. He could do what he wanted. Madeline could pretend he never existed. Which is what she did in the first place. She never talked about David. Ever. Joel doubted to this day that Madeline had ever actually talked to Ryan about any of it. She didn’t even talk to her own family about it. They all looked at him like he was the freak, for not wanting to move on. For not wanting to forget him or replace him.

Joel stood up from behind the soundboard and picked his hat up. He flipped his hair to the side quickly before he put his hat on and turned out the lights. It didn’t sound like many people were at the studio anymore, at least it seemed like most of them had packed up and headed out. Logan wasn’t there, he always left early on Sunday’s, if he even came in at all. He walked down the hallway until he looked up and saw that the door to The Maine’s studio was slightly open and there was music coming out of it. Joel took his hands out of his front pockets and made his way to the studio, pushing the door open with his hand as he leaned against the doorframe. ” You haven’t left yet. Parker’s going to kill you” he said flatly as he looked up and blinked, staring at Ryan’s silhouette before he leaned away from the doorframe. “You’ve got yourself so goddamn in his place, I’m surprised we aren’t blowing out birthday candles for you right now “. Joel lifted his hand to the side of his face, scratching his thumb over his jawline. “ Happy birthday Ryan. Best son and brother the Fosters’ could have asked for, right?” he shook his head as he stepped further into Ryan's studio.

Outfit

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan sat back in his chair listening to a song they had recently recorded, but there was something missing so he was just trying to pinpoint what that was. He knew it was nearing dinner time, but he hadn't realized how late he had stayed. Blake was going to have his head. And besides, even if they weren't acting like a couple, Ryan still kinda looked at Madeline as his girlfriend and he knew today had been a rough day for her. He really shouldn't keep her waiting at dinner either. She'd texted him this morning, telling him simply, "today was David's birthday." Ryan hadn't known that. He'd also seen Joel a few times today in the studio, not to mention heard the producers who had gotten kicked out of his studio earlier. Ryan over heard them saying he was drinking. Ryan was torn, on one hand he wanted to be there for Madeline, but she never talked about it. Joel however wasn't just Madeline's brother. In all honesty Ryan looked at Joel like his little brother if he ever had one, and he knew Joel was having a rough day, but Ryan wasn't sure if he should have tried to talk to Joel earlier or what. He didn't want to cross a line, he'd opted to let him come to him, if he wanted to. Joel didn't seem to have a problem talking about it, so Ryan figured, if he wants to talk he knows where to find me. But Ryan also knew, Joel had a certain resentment about the relationship that Ryan had with their dad. Honestly, if Ryan was in Joel's position, he'd be pissed off too. Just too many things all at once, Ryan knew he kind of came into their lives at the worst and best time. But he figured, he'd see both Joel and Madeline at dinner, so it'd be fine.

However, Ryan turned around when he heard Joel talking from the doorway and stood up cautiously. "Jesus, Joel, I can smell scotch on you from here." he said it more gently then anything, but it didn't hide the fact that he was actually sort of concerned. Ryan stared at him, at a loss for words. What on earth was he supposed to say? Nothing he said would make it right, wouldn't give Joel what he wanted. "Joel, you and I both know your brother can't be replaced. And it sucks, I know it does. If you ask me, you have every right to be pissed off, if its gonna be me, fine. I'd be pissed too if I was in your shoes." Ryan shoved his hands in his pockets, not knowing what Joel had running through his head. He had been drinking, and he was obviously upset. Ryan was taken off guard, and frankly, he didn't know exactly what he was dealing with here.

[Joel Carter Foster]

“ Probably because I’ve been drinking it” he said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Joel shook his head as Ryan started talking. ”N-n-n-n-o. Don’t tell me what I have the fuckin’ right to feel,man” he took a step forward, holding onto the chair Ryan had been sitting in for balance. “ You think you know shit about what my family has been going through? Just because you stuck it to my sister and my dad decided to give you a pat on the back?” Joel lifted his hands and shoved them against Ryan’s chest. “ Fuck you,man”. Joel lifted his hand up and took his hat off so he could shake his hand out through his hair. When had it gotten so hot in the studios? He knew after he had his first drink that he should stop, that he should be there for Madeline. He knew that their parents were in town but he just couldn’t face them. “ You’re not gonna win me over with that babbling bullshit that reeled in my parents and Madeline,” he slurred, shaking his head again.

“ You think that saying obvious shit to me makes it feel better? Of course he can’t be replaced. What makes you so special? Why are they using you to replace him? Fuckin’… pricks … lost one son and instead of preventing themselves from losing another they what?.....What, they want you? Madeline wants you? What’s so great about her in the first place anyways? Why does she get a phone call? It’s not hard to take your clothes off for a living. Whores do it every day. She does. He and I used to talk every day about my dreams. How I would make a difference to people, how I would try. But he calls the fuckin whore? How is anything that she is doing… in memory of him? Fuckin’ bullshit. He called the wrong sibling. Now she’s the one trying to replace him. With you” Joel shoved his hands against Ryans chest again, pushing him back against the soundboard. He formed his hands into a fist, shoving them against Ryans chest, more out of frustration than anger. “ Sixteen years man… Sixteen years I was there. And didn’t see shit. And he didn’t want to come to me. He didn’t want me to help him. And now I can’t help anyone. And you step in.. and you’re like..” he sniffed, shaking his head side to side before he shoved his hands back against his chest. “Get out. You need to get out of our lives. You’re just a reminder. Every day. You’re a reminder that all it takes is six feet of rock music and.. skinny jeans.. and my sister and my parents can forget about the most important person in my life. Six feet and they pretend that everything is okay. That there isn’t a hole in our lives. That the empty chair at the dining room table is just a spare. Six fucking feet and my brother wasn’t so lost in himself.. that he didn’t feel so empty inside, that he had to take his own life. And mine with it. Six feet isn’t fucking good enough for me” he screamed, hitting his fist against Ryans chest again.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan stood silent. He knew absolutely nothing he said would be of any use to Joe whatsoever, so he figured, let the kid talk. Let him say everything that had built up over that last few months, let him vent on Ryan. Because in all honesty, Ryan would have rather Joel let out all his anger on Ryan, instead of his sister, or his parents. They were dealing with this in their own ways, let Joel let it out on him. He could take it. And nothing Joel said was gonna hurt his feelings anyways, he knew he was just pissed, he wouldn't take it personally. Joel was saying a lot of stuff Ryan had a feeling he'd regret saying later, but leave that for later. Ryan lost count of how many times Joel had hit or shoved him, pushed him, whatever, but Ryan was backed u[ to the soundboard and looking at Joel seriously, ready for more. "Yeah Joel? Not good enough for you? Go ahead, continue, I'd love to hear what else you have to say. You want to hit me some more? Fuck, hit me again. Go ahead, tell me how much I suck. Go ahead." Ryan knew he was coming off like whatever, but he figured, why not egg him on? Why not let him let it all out? No one else had. One person couldn't live with all that built up shit, it was too much weight on one person's shoulders. If this was the way to get Joel to let it all out, then he'd let Joel go on being pissed at him. It wasn't as if Joel was going to calm down anytime soon anyways, may as well make his anger productive. And Ryan knew it'd upset Madeline anyways to see Joel like this, this angry. Ryan was willing to sit and take the blows if he could.

[Joel Carter Foster]

Joel sniffed and held back tears that were forming his eyes as he pushed his arm against his face and rubbed his eyes against his forearm quickly. “ They think you’re such a good guy. You’re still sleeping with my sister. She’s married. I saw you two. At Logan’s. All over each other” Joel shoved Ryans shoulders so that he hit the wall behind the soundboard. “ I hate you!” he yelled at the top of his lungs. It was easier to just try and push him, push him out of their lives, push him physically. ‘ I hate you!” he yelled again. “ You’ll never be as good as him. You’ll never replace him,” Joel sniffed as he took a step back.He took in a few deep breaths before he ran at Ryan, putting his weight against Ryans chest as he gripped him around his waist and tackled him against the soundboard.

The different controls jammed into his arm as he tacked Ryan and he winced slightly in pain before he leaned away and shoved at Ryans chest again. He sniffed again as the tears finally fell over his cheeks and closed his eyes with his head against Ryan’s chest. Making a fist he punched Ryan in the chest again, not moving his face away from him. “ I hate you…” he repeated, though this time it was less loud, more quiet, beneath deep breathing and tears. Even his fists had quit fighting Ryan as much. He was still hitting him, but it was like he had grown tired in the last few strikes. “I hate you..” he said as he caught his breath and brought his fist against Ryans chest one more time.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan watched him, but he was right. So Joel knew. Ryan had wondered if he did, but now he knew for sure. Well, at least Joel hadn't told anyone. At least he didn't think he had. And he'd gotten it right too, it wasn't a very honorable thing to do, and he wasn't exactly proud of it. Ryan knew he wasn't a saint, but he never claimed to be either. He just loved Madeline and that was all there was to it. Joel was just getting more mad, shoving Ryan against the soundboard, telling him he hated him. Ryan didn't think he meant it, but it he wouldn't have blamed if he did anyways. And Ryan knew he couldn't replace David, not that he would have ever tried, but it was no use telling Joel that. Ryan realized just before he did it that Joel was going to tackle him, bracing himself anyways, and said quietly, "Jesus..." while trying to not break anything on the soundboard. Joel punched him in the chest, telling him over and over again that he hated him as Ryan tried to sit up, so he was perched sitting on the edge of the soundboard and it seemed Joel was beginning to lose his momentum. With one last punch against his chest, Ryan decided enough was enough, wrapping his long arms around Joel, hugging him tightly against his chest. This kid needed someone to hug him. Ryan took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second. It sucked when people had to go through shit like this, and there wasn't a damn thing you could do to really help, except just hug them. It may have been just a simple action, but it was about all Ryan thought he could do anyways.

[Joel Carter Foster]

Joel put his hands against Ryan’s chest and tried to push him away as he hugged him but the fight didn’t last long before Joel just laid into his chest. He hit his fist against it, but this time it was more so just to be doing something and wasn’t hard at all. “ He’s not coming back.” he said through tears as he tried to find just a moment to try and catch his breath. His arm was throbbing from where he had pinned it against the switches and he wouldn’t be surprised if he was bleeding when he looked at it later. He sniffed again, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “ You can’t leave, too. You’re going to leave, Without warning. Just like he did. You came into our lives, and you’re going to leave,” he said, gripping his hand around Ryan’s shirt as he punched against his chest.

“ Please don’t leave,man” he said while taking a breath in. “ I can be a good brother to you. I swear. I’ll be a better brother than I was to David. It wasn’t good enough for him. But I learned from it, I swear. Just don’t go.” Joel squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as he could, trying his best to not fall apart. If anyone walked into the studio they probably would have thought him and Ryan were nuts. But the fact of the matter was the only reason he got so angry with Ryan was because he cared about him so much and he was scared of losing someone else he cared about that much. “ You can’t leave,” he said before he took his grip off of Ryan’s shirt and took in a few more deep breaths, moving his arms around Ryan to hug him.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan took a deep breath, keeping his arms around Joel, tightly, not letting go just yet. Ryan felt for him. Joel was like a younger brother to him, and to have to see him go through this, it broke his heart. None of it was fair. None of it. Ryan didn't think anyone should have to go through this stuff and yet here was Joel, and Madeline, and even Shane. And people like Scarlet, and Mack and Kiersten, even though they didn't lose anyone to suicide, it didn't matter. However they went, it didn't change the fact that they weren't going to be coming back. Ryan felt... lucky almost. To not have ever really had to deal with this first hand. Sure his dad had walked out of their life, but he wasn't dead. It wasn't the same thing. The people that mattered to Ryan, his mom, his sister, Madeline and Joel, their family, the whole family... Ryan had them all. And he felt lucky to even fallen into a family like the Foster's. Even when they were going through tragedy they still found room to take Ryan in as one of their own in a way, make him part of a family that actually functioned the way a family should. He wouldn't know, his dad peaced out on them early enough to not know what a nuclear family was like, but he left late enough to have left a mark. But the Foster's they felt like family. Joel was like his brother and in the short time he'd known them, he wouldn't trade them, not one of them at all. Ryan tightened his arms around Joel, Joel having finally hugged him back. "Joel, listen, I'm not going anywhere. As long as you want me, I'm here. And if that happens to end up being a long time, then I'm here for the long haul. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

“ Dad, I don’t know…” Madeline said impatiently as she watched the numbers light up on the elevator. ‘Well did you try calling him?”. Madeline sighed as she waited for the elevator to stop. “ Forty-nine times”. She looked back over her shoulder and looked at her dad. She shook her head. “I’m sorry.. I don’t mean to be short,I’m just worried about him. I’m sorry.” Madeline closed her eyes as she walked back over to her father and wrapped her arms around him. ‘ I’m worried about him too, princess. But you said… he’s probably with Ryan. I promise you he’s in good hands,”. Madeline opened her eyes with her arms still wrapped around her father. “ Dad, I need to talk to you about Ryan…”. She moved away from him though as she heard Joel yelling. ‘ Joel?!’. Madeline moved away from her father quickly,leaving him to have to follow her as she ran down the hallway.She lunged into his studio,but sighed seeing he wasn’t in there. She stepped back into the hallway and looked both directions. Ryan’s? Madeline ran as fast as she could to Ryan’s studio and stopped in the doorframe.She put her hand over her chest and sighed out of relief as she saw Joel standing there with Ryan, them both holding each other and hugging one another

Madeline stood quietly, listening to Joel ask Ryan to not leave him. She felt the lump form in her throat and clenched her jaw tightly. She didn’t cry about David. She wouldn’t let herself. She had cried, once. On the plane over. Since then she’d locked it away and swore to herself to never open it again. But when she heard Ryan speak to Joel she took in a quick breath and could feel the tears forming in her eyes. She stood quietly for a few moments longer, letting Joel hug Ryan. “ Joel..” she said quietly, breaking the silence. She didn’t need to speak loudly for him to hear her, it was so quiet in that room. Joel looked up from Ryans chest. He seemed to be evaluating Madeline, looking at her outfit and then her eyes before he looked at Ryan once more and stepped away. Madeline stepped forward into the studio and wrapped her arms tightly around Joel as he came to her and hugged her. “ Oh my gosh,” she said quietly, overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol as he wrapped his body around hers. Madeline sighed wrapping one arm tightly around him and placing her other hand against the back of his hair and kissed the side of his head. She rested her cheek against Joel’s head as she looked at Ryan, mouthing ‘ Thank you’ before she closed her eyes and the stream of tears flowed from her eyes and into Joel’s hair.

A cough came from a corner of the room as her and Joels’ father stepped into the room. He watched the kids for a moment before he looked at Ryan, giving an understanding nod in his direction. This was a hard time for the entire family. Ryan included. He was a part of the family. He may have not known David Jr., but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t have been effected. Hell he was being effected by it now, watching his family, people he cared about being so torn apart. “ Can I speak to you for a moment?” he asked. Madeline leaned away from Joel, just for a moment as she placed her hands on his cheeks. “ I’ll be right back, okay? I promise’ she kissed his hair before she looked back over at Ryan and shook her head at her dad. “Just a second,dad.” Madeline didn’t care that she was wearing sweatpants and probably looked like complete shit. She had never been so attracted to Ryan before, and at the same time it wasn’t a ‘ I must have your body now’ type of attraction. It was an overwhelming sense of appreciation and love. The kind that as cliché as it was couldn’t be expressed by sleeping with someone, but just by being with them. Madeline wrapped her arms around Ryans neck and kissed him, placing her hands in the back of his hair. She leaned away after a few moments, wiping the tears away from her eyes. “ I love you,” she whispered as she placed her forehead against his and sniffled again. “…Thank you.. so much” she said, referring to Joel before she kissed him again quickly. Madeline moved away from Ryan, all she wanted tonight was to cuddle up on the couch with him. With hot chocolate. And a stupid movie. “ Come on,” she said to Joel, wrapping her arm back around his shoulder as she placed her hand in his hair and ruffled it, pulling him away from the studio. “ Let’s get you some coffee” she said, wanting to sober him up. Madeline’s father stood still in his place. He didn’t seem surprised by the fact that his daughter had just kissed Ryan, but looked more like he had expected it. “ Did you give him scotch?” he asked, though there was no judgement in his tone, just genuine curiosity.

Outfit

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan looked up when he heard someone in the doorway, but he'd know that voice from anywhere. Ryan let go of Joel but stayed back, leaning on the soundboard, his hands bracing himself on either side of him. Ryan gave her a faint smile ad nodded when sh thanked him, noticing their dad in the doorway. Of course their parents were here. They should be together. Ryan nodded at their dad in greeting, man he loved that guy. So much intimidation in a mustache. David Sr. said he wanted to talk to Ryan and Ryan stood up, moving away from the soundboard a bit, running a hand over his hair. He watched Madeline when she walked over. She looked tired. It was a long day for everyone involved, a lot of thinking being done. He kissed her back when she came over, with out thinking, wrapping his arms around her loosely. It was like neither of them even had to try, they were just right for each other. Even if she had her way of dealing with everything, she still had feelings, and he stilled loved her for it anyways. He'd love her for whatever she did. He loved her when she held her feelings in, he loved her when she went and got herself married and he doubted that would ever change. He'd never stop loving Madeline. He whispered back, "Love you too," before she kissed him again and took Joel to go get some coffee because lord knows that boy needed to sober up. Ryan took a deep breath after they had gone, looking at David, "I did not, actually. Kid did that on his own." Ryan let out a small laugh, sliding his hands in his pockets casually, "He'll be alright." Ryan looked at the floor for a second, asking himself if he dared say anything more, "David, I don't mean any disrespect but, Joel... he really thinks you've forgotten about him. I don't know, talk to him? Tell him you haven't forgotten that you still have a son. I mean, before you lose Joel too. He's... I don't know. I think he just feels... disconnected from the family. That's about what I gathered."

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

David stood with his hands in his front pockets as he watched Ryan. When he had first met the boy he wasn’t sure what to think of him, but honestly he had proven himself to be one hell of a man. He stepped up to the plate when he needed to, he did the right thing.Mostly. But what fun was life if you didn’t color outside of the lines every once and while. Even David knew to appreciate that. He kept his eyes glued to Ryan as he spoke, about how he didn’t need to lose another son.’I appreciate you being there for him , Ryan.It means the absolute world to me. You’re coming to Joel’s place with us tonight. You’re family. I’d wager my life savings that you feel the same way. You and Joel are close, I take it. I know that you and Madeline are. He coughed, almost uncomfortably before he continued. ‘ I’m uh…hip..dad. I think. I have to be a little understanding. My daughter is a lingerie model. My son is on his way to become one of those pop icon things.” he took in a deep breath before he stepped closer into the studio. ‘ I failed as a parent once. I didn’t forget about Joel. I’ve been trying to let him do his own thing. I see now.. that I need to change my game plan a bit to fit what he needs. Him and Madeline are so different… she internalizes everything. He doesn’t. Not as much. But you need them just as much as they need you. I can see it in your eyes, kid. If we left tonight without you, you’d be worried sick about both of them. Which is why you’re coming with me. Jennifer has been talking about you since she watched some interview you did.She wants to give you a sandwich She’s been meaning to talk to you about a ‘potty mouth word’ she heard you use on television. In front of all of her friends. I’m not sure there were enough cucumber sandwiches at that party for her to shove in peoples mouths.”. David lifted his hand and patted it against Ryans back as he made his way out of the room.

“ By the way,…” he said, looking over his shoulder as he looked at Ryan and turned around to face him. “ You’re involved with my daughter,” he said sternly. Again there was no judgment, just an observation. ‘ I believe we spoke about that in South Africa. ‘ he said with a small nod before he started walking again. ‘ I never liked that Patrick pissant. He seems weasly. May the best man win, it seems,’ he said looking at Ryan again with a small smile before he rounded the corner to find Madeline walking back with Joel, trying to help him nurse a cup of coffee. ‘ Come on kids.’ he said, looking at all of them. They were his kids, his family. Each and every single one of them. Even if Ryan and Madeline didn’t work out, that was a part of his family. Ryan had stepped in when he needed him to. David walked over to Joel and wrapped his arm around his shoulder, taking his weight away from Madeline. She looked so tired. ‘ Come on son’ he said gently, rubbing his hand against Joel’s shoulder as he led him outside to the cab that was waiting.

Madeline sighed tiredly as she watched her dad walk away with Joel and looked at Ryan giving a small smile. Usually when they went outside she was always careful at how she interacted with Ryan, not wanting Patrick to have any reason to take his anger out on her. But tonight she slipped her hand inside of Ryan’s, walking outside and down the street to the cab. She leaned tiredly against his arm and laid her head against his shoulder. “ I’m sorry…” she said, since she didn’t know exactly what had happened between the two of them, but Joel just kept blubbering about how he needed to apologize. No, he needed to sober up. They could worry about the rest later. All Madeline wanted tonight was to spend it with her family.