Post by Claire Jayne Madden on Aug 9, 2011 16:53:08 GMT -5
Claire shook her hands out at her sides as she looked down at her feet. The few seconds before the music started always seemed the longest. Quiet, alone , and in the studio. It left her alone with her thoughts. Seconds stretched out into what felt like hours of disappointment. There was always going to be someone that was better, stronger, more unique, more talented. She stretched her right foot out into a pointe position as she licked her lips and closed her eyes. If there was one thing she had learned from ballet it was persistence and determination; that sometimes you had to make sacrifices in order to perfect what you were trying to accomplish. She opened her eyes quickly as the song started and lifted her head to watch herself in the mirror, finding a focal point as she started into a series of fouettes. There were videos on youtube, girls younger than her doing a series of thirty fouettes in less than thirty seconds. For some reason they were proud of that, as though that was the peak of what their talent would bring them. Instead Claire could only see errors in their technique, wondering why they claimed to have a passion for something but then were proud of something that was pretty subpar in her opinion. When she wasn’t at home or with Natalia, she was in the studio, often staying for hours after school or into the night. There were so many people in her life that were successful, or talented. Dalton was the smartest person she knew, and though he didn’t talk much about his career Claire always sort of figured he was being modest. He was probably the greatest agent in his field. Ethan was modest as well, they had that in common as brothers. He was a star on the soccer and football team, and it all came effortlessly to him. Literally. He could skip practice for weeks and walk onto the field like he was born to do it. Anthony seemed to be talented at everything he tried and then Natalia… Natalia was just naturally talented at everything. It wasn’t that she didn’t work hard, she did. But she was the best at everything she did. Claire would never admit it but she sort of felt pressured to be best at what she was passionate about, since everyone else was.
It seemed the most effortless for Anthony and Ethan, though that could be because they were boys and they didn’t seem to sweat the small stuff. Part of her felt guilty for the position she’d put Anthony in. It couldn’t have been easy to live with his best friend and keep such a lie from him, since it involved his little sister. If her involvement with Anthony caused any sort of rift in his friendship with Ethan she wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive herself. Then there was Natalia and how she felt about Ethan. She always sort of hoped that Ethan would come around, but it seemed like he was talking to some girl already and she hadn’t wanted to say anything to Natalia. But he was always checking his phone, leaving the room to answer it. He probably didn’t want Claire to know so that she wouldn’t say anything to Natalia and upset her. She just wanted someone to feel about Natalia the way she felt about Anthony. She wasn’t good at relationships, or lying, or sneaking around. But all of it made her push more energy into her dancing, using more force to spin her leg out and turn her body in a series of spins. Suddenly the sound of a door slamming caused her to lose her focal point and she looked in the mirror, seeing herself falling out of her execution before she felt it. Slamming her hands against the ground she caught herself before her face had the pleasure of meeting the wood flooring. She took in a few quick breaths before she pushed herself up and looked in the mirror, staying quiet as one of her instructors strode quietly over to her.
“ You’re losing focus,”, she said calmly and Claire nodded slowly, pushing her hair from her eyes. A small click of the tongue came from her instructor and Claire looked down, disappointed in herself for not excelling, at least not in her opinion. Her instructor flicked her finger under Claire’s chin and brought her head up before standing behind her and placing her hand against Claire’s stomach, adjusting the way she was standing before she circled back around her. ‘ Again. From the beginning.’ she said before she stepped back and restarted the music. Claire watched her before she stepped back from where she was standing and went to the side of the railing so she could start from the beginning. For the showcase all of the ballet students were doing a performance together, and then individually so it gave them a chance to be noticed by scouts. Claire would forgo college if it was her choice, if she could be signed to a ballet company.But they didn’t sign many students straight out of highschool, you had to make them think you had something that their company couldn’t survive without. The beginning of her song was more in line with what the rest of the students had chosen. Piano, classical, slow. But then it turned more into a , get out of your seat and dance, type of song. She wanted to stand out, separate herself from the other girls. They were all so talented, and Claire wanted to be able to demonstrate classical pointe sort of mixed with modern choreography, that she’d stolen from her friend Natalia and turned it into pointe dancing.
Claire was about halfway into the song, spinning in a pirouette on one foot as she lifted her left leg into the air and held onto it when her instructor shut the music off. ‘ Clarissa, if you want to stand out then you actually need to showcase talent instead of… whatever this is’. Claire dropped her foot to the ground and placed her hands on her hips, taking in deep breaths. School didn’t start for a few more weeks but in the arts programs it seemed like if you were at the studio, whether it be dance or music, the instructors were always lurking around the corner. And to be honest, Claire hadn’t even seen any other girls practicing for their showcase yet. “ I’m sorry,” she said quietly, wiping her forearm against her forehead to wipe off the sweat. ‘ Teenage girls are.. at a critical stage when it comes to ballet. Or anything for that matter. You’re all too unfocused, worrying about things that don’t matter. You all feel entitled, that you deserve this. But what you’re showing me doesn’t make you stand out, Clarissa. Do you care about dance?”. Claire looked back down at the floor and slowed her breathing. ‘ Clarissa, look at me’. Claire held her breath as she looked back at her. “Yes,” she said firmly. ‘ There are other things clouding your focus. You need to get rid of them’. Claire blinked as her mind flashed instantly to Anthony. There were a lot of things she was willing to give up to start her life as a ballerina. He sure as hell wasn’t one of them. “ I’m focused,” she said, staring her instructor in the eye.
The instructor moved away from the barre and headed back towards the door to leave. ‘ Show a little more dedication, Clarissa. You have what it takes. Somewhere. You just aren’t showing it to me, yet. If I can’t see it, then the scouts won’t “. The door shut behind her and Claire sighed looked back in the mirror. Now that she felt like a failure she had no desire to continue rehearsing. She listened to the sound of her heavy breathing to try and catch her breath, and could feel her heart beating so hard that it felt like it was in her throat. She turned, walking away from the mirror before she left the studio and down to the locker room. At least, they called it a locker room. She hadn’t ever attended a different high school before but if she had to guess, she would assume that theirs was nothing like this. Wooden closets to hold all of their things, polished to shine and garnered entry with a key rather than a spinning dial. She felt like she had lost control, and helpless. The only thing she wanted was to be noticed by scouts; she’d gotten everything else she wanted. A best friend, a loving family, a “boyfriend” she was crazy about. And the one thing she wanted she felt like she had no control over, basically being told that she didn’t have what it took to stand out and be special, that she wasn’t focused enough or determined. Claire looked at herself in the mirror, dropping her fingers to her stomach before she felt the curves of her skin over the side of her hips. She stepped away and went into one of the bathrooms. She needed something,anything to feel the control. If she couldn’t control her body to be a good ballerina, she needed to be in control of it somehow.
Claire tried to convince herself it was the nerves, stress, exhaustion. Maybe purging herself was metaphorical for purging all of that, but when it was said and done she felt an odd mixture of emotions. She felt like she finally had control of herself, but she also felt disgusted at the same time. She washed her mouth out with waster from the sink before she stood up straight and washed her hands, wiping away the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand before she looked back up at herself in the mirror. She’d been a horrible friend lately, making Natalia feel bad for being successful and not having time for her. Putting Anthony in a bad place with is best friend. Asking Stefan to lie to Ethan. Lying to her own brother, making her a bad sister as well. She couldn’t even dance well, apparently according to her instructor. Though her instructor did have an odd way of trying to motivate people, but it was hard to think that’s what she was doing. It was a wonder anyone was really putting up with her anymore since it seemed like she was just causing huge inconveniences for all of them. Claire took in a deep breath before she brought her fist to the mirror and cracked it roughly. Instantly the pain seared through her first and she gasped quickly,lowering her hand back to the sink. “ Shit,” she said through clenched teeth, looking down at the blood on her hand. She clenched her jaw tightly, taking out a small piece of the mirror that had stuck between her knuckles before she stepped away to grab a towel and wrapped it around her hand.
Claire squeezed the fabric tightly before she went to her duffel bag, peeling her phone out of the side and sent a quick text to Ethan. ’Staying at Talia’s tonight.’ She pressed send and shook her hand out, scrolling with her free thumb to Natalia in her contacts. Typing out another quick message with one hand, ‘ Hey, I’m coming over tonight. Hope that’s cool. I’ll bring some movies, love you’. Claire set her phone down and moved the towel to look at her hand. There was surely a first aid kit somewhere. Natalia wasn’t an idiot, she’d notice it and asked what happened. But for being a poised ballerina, Claire was pretty clumsy outside of the dance studio. It wouldn’t be far fetched to believe that she had injured herself.Claire dug through and took out a t-shirt, pulling it on quickly over her tank top with one hand. She stood up from the bench and picked her phone back up. She should probably let Anthony know she wasn’t coming home either. ‘ Hey I’m really exhausted from rehearsal. Talia lives closer so I think I’ll crash at her place. I’ll see you tomorrow? Love you ‘. She sighed, turning her phone off. Talia was who she wanted tonight, as selfish as that sounded. She couldn’t face her brother or Anthony after the last few minutes. She hated feeling like she disappointed them, but Talia was her best friend, the one person in the world she felt she could absolutely turn to no matter what. She should be able to talk to Anthony about these things, but she felt like she had just gotten him. She didn’t want to admit the truth to herself, let alone to him. Claire reached down to pick up her duffel bag, wincing as she realized she idiotically used the wrong hand. She could change at Natalia’s, she just wanted to get there. She leaned down to take off her pointe shoes, unwrapping them quickly, though the blood from her hand was getting across the ribbons. Whatever, she went through about two pairs a week.Claire bit the inside of her cheek as she pulled on a pair of uggs and stood up quickly. She looked down at her hand debating whether or not she should go straight to Talia's or stop by the hospital for some stitches. If she went, Dalton would want to know. He'd be pissed at her if he found out that she went to the hospital this late at night without telling him. Giving a small sigh she reached back for her phone and turned it back on. It would be easier to deal with Dalton when he was just a concerned, worried older brother instead of a pissed off, concerned worried brother. Besides,he wouldn't have a problem with bringing her to Talia's afterward.
First Song
Second Song
Outfit
It seemed the most effortless for Anthony and Ethan, though that could be because they were boys and they didn’t seem to sweat the small stuff. Part of her felt guilty for the position she’d put Anthony in. It couldn’t have been easy to live with his best friend and keep such a lie from him, since it involved his little sister. If her involvement with Anthony caused any sort of rift in his friendship with Ethan she wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive herself. Then there was Natalia and how she felt about Ethan. She always sort of hoped that Ethan would come around, but it seemed like he was talking to some girl already and she hadn’t wanted to say anything to Natalia. But he was always checking his phone, leaving the room to answer it. He probably didn’t want Claire to know so that she wouldn’t say anything to Natalia and upset her. She just wanted someone to feel about Natalia the way she felt about Anthony. She wasn’t good at relationships, or lying, or sneaking around. But all of it made her push more energy into her dancing, using more force to spin her leg out and turn her body in a series of spins. Suddenly the sound of a door slamming caused her to lose her focal point and she looked in the mirror, seeing herself falling out of her execution before she felt it. Slamming her hands against the ground she caught herself before her face had the pleasure of meeting the wood flooring. She took in a few quick breaths before she pushed herself up and looked in the mirror, staying quiet as one of her instructors strode quietly over to her.
“ You’re losing focus,”, she said calmly and Claire nodded slowly, pushing her hair from her eyes. A small click of the tongue came from her instructor and Claire looked down, disappointed in herself for not excelling, at least not in her opinion. Her instructor flicked her finger under Claire’s chin and brought her head up before standing behind her and placing her hand against Claire’s stomach, adjusting the way she was standing before she circled back around her. ‘ Again. From the beginning.’ she said before she stepped back and restarted the music. Claire watched her before she stepped back from where she was standing and went to the side of the railing so she could start from the beginning. For the showcase all of the ballet students were doing a performance together, and then individually so it gave them a chance to be noticed by scouts. Claire would forgo college if it was her choice, if she could be signed to a ballet company.But they didn’t sign many students straight out of highschool, you had to make them think you had something that their company couldn’t survive without. The beginning of her song was more in line with what the rest of the students had chosen. Piano, classical, slow. But then it turned more into a , get out of your seat and dance, type of song. She wanted to stand out, separate herself from the other girls. They were all so talented, and Claire wanted to be able to demonstrate classical pointe sort of mixed with modern choreography, that she’d stolen from her friend Natalia and turned it into pointe dancing.
Claire was about halfway into the song, spinning in a pirouette on one foot as she lifted her left leg into the air and held onto it when her instructor shut the music off. ‘ Clarissa, if you want to stand out then you actually need to showcase talent instead of… whatever this is’. Claire dropped her foot to the ground and placed her hands on her hips, taking in deep breaths. School didn’t start for a few more weeks but in the arts programs it seemed like if you were at the studio, whether it be dance or music, the instructors were always lurking around the corner. And to be honest, Claire hadn’t even seen any other girls practicing for their showcase yet. “ I’m sorry,” she said quietly, wiping her forearm against her forehead to wipe off the sweat. ‘ Teenage girls are.. at a critical stage when it comes to ballet. Or anything for that matter. You’re all too unfocused, worrying about things that don’t matter. You all feel entitled, that you deserve this. But what you’re showing me doesn’t make you stand out, Clarissa. Do you care about dance?”. Claire looked back down at the floor and slowed her breathing. ‘ Clarissa, look at me’. Claire held her breath as she looked back at her. “Yes,” she said firmly. ‘ There are other things clouding your focus. You need to get rid of them’. Claire blinked as her mind flashed instantly to Anthony. There were a lot of things she was willing to give up to start her life as a ballerina. He sure as hell wasn’t one of them. “ I’m focused,” she said, staring her instructor in the eye.
The instructor moved away from the barre and headed back towards the door to leave. ‘ Show a little more dedication, Clarissa. You have what it takes. Somewhere. You just aren’t showing it to me, yet. If I can’t see it, then the scouts won’t “. The door shut behind her and Claire sighed looked back in the mirror. Now that she felt like a failure she had no desire to continue rehearsing. She listened to the sound of her heavy breathing to try and catch her breath, and could feel her heart beating so hard that it felt like it was in her throat. She turned, walking away from the mirror before she left the studio and down to the locker room. At least, they called it a locker room. She hadn’t ever attended a different high school before but if she had to guess, she would assume that theirs was nothing like this. Wooden closets to hold all of their things, polished to shine and garnered entry with a key rather than a spinning dial. She felt like she had lost control, and helpless. The only thing she wanted was to be noticed by scouts; she’d gotten everything else she wanted. A best friend, a loving family, a “boyfriend” she was crazy about. And the one thing she wanted she felt like she had no control over, basically being told that she didn’t have what it took to stand out and be special, that she wasn’t focused enough or determined. Claire looked at herself in the mirror, dropping her fingers to her stomach before she felt the curves of her skin over the side of her hips. She stepped away and went into one of the bathrooms. She needed something,anything to feel the control. If she couldn’t control her body to be a good ballerina, she needed to be in control of it somehow.
Claire tried to convince herself it was the nerves, stress, exhaustion. Maybe purging herself was metaphorical for purging all of that, but when it was said and done she felt an odd mixture of emotions. She felt like she finally had control of herself, but she also felt disgusted at the same time. She washed her mouth out with waster from the sink before she stood up straight and washed her hands, wiping away the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand before she looked back up at herself in the mirror. She’d been a horrible friend lately, making Natalia feel bad for being successful and not having time for her. Putting Anthony in a bad place with is best friend. Asking Stefan to lie to Ethan. Lying to her own brother, making her a bad sister as well. She couldn’t even dance well, apparently according to her instructor. Though her instructor did have an odd way of trying to motivate people, but it was hard to think that’s what she was doing. It was a wonder anyone was really putting up with her anymore since it seemed like she was just causing huge inconveniences for all of them. Claire took in a deep breath before she brought her fist to the mirror and cracked it roughly. Instantly the pain seared through her first and she gasped quickly,lowering her hand back to the sink. “ Shit,” she said through clenched teeth, looking down at the blood on her hand. She clenched her jaw tightly, taking out a small piece of the mirror that had stuck between her knuckles before she stepped away to grab a towel and wrapped it around her hand.
Claire squeezed the fabric tightly before she went to her duffel bag, peeling her phone out of the side and sent a quick text to Ethan. ’Staying at Talia’s tonight.’ She pressed send and shook her hand out, scrolling with her free thumb to Natalia in her contacts. Typing out another quick message with one hand, ‘ Hey, I’m coming over tonight. Hope that’s cool. I’ll bring some movies, love you’. Claire set her phone down and moved the towel to look at her hand. There was surely a first aid kit somewhere. Natalia wasn’t an idiot, she’d notice it and asked what happened. But for being a poised ballerina, Claire was pretty clumsy outside of the dance studio. It wouldn’t be far fetched to believe that she had injured herself.Claire dug through and took out a t-shirt, pulling it on quickly over her tank top with one hand. She stood up from the bench and picked her phone back up. She should probably let Anthony know she wasn’t coming home either. ‘ Hey I’m really exhausted from rehearsal. Talia lives closer so I think I’ll crash at her place. I’ll see you tomorrow? Love you ‘. She sighed, turning her phone off. Talia was who she wanted tonight, as selfish as that sounded. She couldn’t face her brother or Anthony after the last few minutes. She hated feeling like she disappointed them, but Talia was her best friend, the one person in the world she felt she could absolutely turn to no matter what. She should be able to talk to Anthony about these things, but she felt like she had just gotten him. She didn’t want to admit the truth to herself, let alone to him. Claire reached down to pick up her duffel bag, wincing as she realized she idiotically used the wrong hand. She could change at Natalia’s, she just wanted to get there. She leaned down to take off her pointe shoes, unwrapping them quickly, though the blood from her hand was getting across the ribbons. Whatever, she went through about two pairs a week.Claire bit the inside of her cheek as she pulled on a pair of uggs and stood up quickly. She looked down at her hand debating whether or not she should go straight to Talia's or stop by the hospital for some stitches. If she went, Dalton would want to know. He'd be pissed at her if he found out that she went to the hospital this late at night without telling him. Giving a small sigh she reached back for her phone and turned it back on. It would be easier to deal with Dalton when he was just a concerned, worried older brother instead of a pissed off, concerned worried brother. Besides,he wouldn't have a problem with bringing her to Talia's afterward.
First Song
Second Song
Outfit
