[Ryan] Face Down

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline kissed Ryan quickly before she stepped out of the shower and stole the one towel that was hanging from the shower rail, leaving him to fend for himself before she wrapped it around herself tightly and headed into his room to find something comfortable to wear. Last night was the first night she got actual sleep in a long time. At home she woke up at the quietest of noises, worrying that Patrick had gotten out of bed and made his way to his office for a midnight scotch. Or five. But just laying with Ryan, she couldn’t remember waking up once. Patrick seemed to think that taking her to fancy banquets, buying her shiny things and always bringing her flowers made up for a lot of things. But she’d give it all up to lay with Ryan at night. Madeline shook her fingers through her wet hair and decided to forgo her own clothes and made her way to Ryans closet, taking out one of his bands t-shirts. After slipping on something from La Perla’s latest collection, she pulled the shirt on over her head and let it fall to the top of her legs.

Madeline made her way out to his living room and settled onto his couch comfortably, picking up the blanket she had been using earlier and throwing it back over her legs. They couldn’t really go out to a lot of places. Not when Patrick was out of town. He’d question her too much on why she spent time with him while he was away. For some reason he trusted it more if she was seen with Ryan while he was in town. Because no one would dare have the audacity to cheat on him when he was in the same state. Right. “ Sweetheart, are you hungry?” she yelled out towards the hallway where his bedroom and the bathroom was. Madeline sat up and turned the television on, switching it to the game channel and turning his xbox on so that it would be ready for him when he came out there. After she set the remotes down she leaned forward and picked her phone up, scrolling through all of the options on her UrbanSpoon application to show her what restaurants were around them that would deliver.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan stood under the hot water for one more minute before turning the water off and stepping out of the shower and looking int he closet for a towel. After finding one and wrapping it around his waist and went in his room. He found a hoodie and some basketball shorts, getting dressed quickly and headed out to the living room where Madeline was sitting on the couch in one of his tshirts. Ryan grabbed the orange juice out of the refrigerator in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass, "Yeah kind of, what do you have in mind?" Ryan sat down on the couch beside her, looking over her shoulder at the food app. He watched her, noticing the discoloring on her neck when her hair had fallen to the side. He hadn't noticed that in the shower. Then again he had probably been noticing... other things. "Madeline..." he said quietly, brushing her hair away to look closer. She had bruises on her neck, in the shape of a ... hand? "Madeline, when did you get this bruise?" He moved back, reaching up with his hand and placed his hand on it, just where the marks were, hand shaped. What the hell, had the guy tried to choke her? "Don't try to tell me you fell down the stairs, you know I don't buy that." He looked at her softly, "What happened?" Honestly, he knew what had probably happened. Patrick had anger problems and drank too much, came home took it out on Madeline. It was frustrating, Madeline didn't deserve that. In Ryan's opinion, Patrick needed serious help. He needed to go to anger management, or AA, or rehab, or something, anything. He just didn't want to share Madeline anymore. But since it didn't seem like they had any other options right now, Ryan just wanted to keep Madeline safe if he could.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline smiled as she watched Ryan in his basketball shorts and hoodie. He looked so comfortable, and when he looked comfy all Madeline wanted to do was curl up into him and just hold him until she fell asleep. [ b] “ I was thinking maybe italian. I could really go for some bruschetta right now. Or some sort of.. spinach artichoke dip. And then you could eat spaghetti and meatballs until your heart was content,”[/b] she said, smiling as he came and joined her on the couch. “ I could learn to nudge a meatball across the table with my nose,” she said sarcastically referring to Lady and the Tramp. She smiled at first, when Ryan moved her hair away from her neck but then she froze in place, realizing at the same moment as he saw it what he was looking at. She set her phone down and let him place his fingers over the side of her neck before she sighed and turned on the couch to look at him.

Ryan was so kind to her, when in all reality he didn’t need to be. It was a lot to ask of him, to still ‘see’ her while she was married. It wasn’t fair to him, and she knew that she hurt him. She opened her mouth, trying to think of an excuse but she could tell by looking at Ryan that he wasn’t going to let her get away with it as easily this time. It was sort of strange the things she kept secret. She kept Ryan a secret from Patrick to keep Patrick happy, and she kept things Patrick did a secret to try and soothe things over with Ryan. But he wasn’t an idiot, and the fact that she hadn’t said anything to him probably only added insult to injury. “….. Um” she started off, wondering she should start with Patrick’s drinking problem or the fact that every so often he indulged in aggressive behavior. “ He doesn’t always do that, it’s an isolated incident,” she said, giving confirmation that he had at least grabbed her by the neck but knowing that by the way she had said it she was only discussing the neck, and not other bruises he had given her or other times he had laid his hands on her. Madeline licked her lips and moved her hair away from her neck again before she tried moving closer to Ryan, “ Look, it’s not like I’m in love with him. Can you imagine if he was doing this to some poor girl who actually loved him? I don’t love him, you know I love you. So it’s not like it’s emotional as well… and I can handle it. You know I’m a tough girl,” she said trying to smile at him as she watched him, knowing he wasn’t going to take this very well.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan sighed, looking at his hands. He couldn't imagine using them to ever hurt Madeline. She was the most precious person to him. Every time she left he never wanted her to go, especially knowing what she was going back to. "He doesn't always do that? Okay so he doesn't always strangle, you he just hits you, or pushes you, or whatever else. What about the bruises on your arms a few weeks ago?" Madeline had moved closer to him, the blanket across her bare legs slipping, showing more bruises there, "What about these?" he said, touching them gently. "Madeline, this can't keep happening." He watched her as she found the bright side, like always. He loved that about her, that she was so positive. But there was no bright side to this. Because on day, he hoped, Madeline would be out of the picture. And it would be some other women he'd lay his hands on. It was sick. Ryan had seen it too many times, with his mom, experienced someone in drunken rage more then once. He remembered his dad coming home when he was younger, just looking for whoever was there to take his anger out on, his mom, Ryan, any one. The only one of them that lucked out was Felicia, only because Ryan and his mom would have never let that happen. Ryan had taken too many hits for that to happen.

"Madeline, you could be as tough as Balboa, that doesn't make it okay. How long is this going to go on before it stops? It won't. It will just get worse. How long do you think it'll be until you get seriously hurt? You won't walk away with bruises. This could get really serious. Madeline, he needs help." Ryan took her hand, trying to think of a way to get her out of this situation but he couldn't think of anything that wouldn't hurt all parties. Or sent her back to Africa, which he was trying to avoid. He wanted her here.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline laid her head against Ryan’s chest as she allowed him to touch the bruises on her legs and blinked, watching his hands. His hands brought such different emotions to her than Patricks’ did. She was scared of his, recoiled every time they moved. Ryan’s just brought comfort and a sense of peace. “ I know,” she said, knowing how he would feel about he situation. She moved the blanket back over her legs and placed her hands inside of Ryan’s. “ It’s not really that easy, Ryan” she said, giving a small shrug of her shoulder. ‘ Patrick likes things to be a certain way, and he’s sort of stubborn. He likes having me as his wife, being able to go to events, poising me to say what he wants me to say, and that’s fine. I don’t mind all of that really. It helps his career, so why not. But he’s pretty… possessive? I suppose that’s a word you could use for it. He told me once that if he couldn’t have me then no one could,” she said, resting her head back against Ryan’s chest.

“ I don’t know, bruises don’t sound nearly as bad as being…dead.” she said, laughing quietly at the situation. “ Besides, it keeps me here. With you. And honestly, I don’t even remember I have them when I’m with you. Everything is fresh and squeaky- clean,” she said, smiling as she looked down at her hand along the inside of his. “ You make my heart beat faster, and it makes every moment with him bearable. I can handle a few , for lack of a better term, punches. Every now and then. I’m here with you, what more could I ask for?” she said, bringing his hand up to kiss his knuckles before she wrested their hands back in her lap. “ I’d walk through hell for you, Ryan. I think I knew that the first time we met. It just so happens that my hell comes with designer dresses and suits giving speeches,”. She lifted her free hand into her hair, shaking some of it out since it was still pretty wet. “ Besides, Ryan .. you helped me with um..” she coughed,scratching the side of her neck uncomfortably before she looked back down at their hands, “ You helped me with David. You helped me stand strong and not fall apart.. and you basically kept me glued together in every sense of the word. Patrick doesn’t have that power over me, that he can hurt me the way David did. Patrick can’t break me, when David already did that. And you helped me through the hardest thing I’ll ever face in my entire life. Patrick is nothing compared to that,” she said quietly, licking the corner of her lips as she felt the tears start to form in her eyes. But she blinked quickly and coughed, forcing them away so she wouldn’t cry about it. What David had done was over, she wouldn't allow herself to feel the pain that had broken him in every sense of the word. She loved Ryan too much to let pain consume her, to let it tear her apart.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan looked at her. Always looking for the bright side. "Just because it doesn't hurt as much as something else that has happened to you, doesn't mean you have to down play it, Madeline. And you know I'd do whatever I could to get you out of this situation but it's not right. You shouldn't have to live in fear. Look, I just... I have a problem with this whole thing..." Ryan stood up, taking his now empty glass and walked to the sink, turning the faucet on. "Madeline... my father, he wasn't a great guy. I never told you why my parents split." He turned the sink off after rinsing the glass, placing his hands on the edge of the counter and leaned forward, looking at Madeline, "He was abusive. He hit my mom, beat her senseless, got drunk all the time, had anger problems. When he wasn't laying his hands on her, it was me. The first time, I spilled a glass of milk at the dinner table. He'd been drinking scotch. I was six." He ran a hand through his hair, remembering. His mom was crying, Felicia was crying... Ryan took it. And he always would. Better him then his mom or sister, he'd decided that early in his life. And it was why he'd never hit another person, except that asshole at that party with Madeline. But that had been every bit worth it. "When I was eleven my mom found out he had a mistress. For the past like seven years. Anyways, the point is, it got really bad sometimes. Fortunately he never touched Felicia, but that was only because my mom and I would never allow it. But we left. Every threat he ever said was just empty words. I'm just saying, don't ever feel like you can't walk away, because you can. And if you do, my doors always open, you know that."

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline narrowed her eyebrows as he started speaking. She hadn’t realized that she was finding the bright side in her last comments, but maybe that’s just the way she was. She frowned when he moved away from her and got up to take his glass to the sink. She looked over the back of the couch as he started talking about his father, which caused Madeline to turn her entire body so she could focus on him. Ryan talked about his father about as often as she talked about David. So when he spoke, she listened carefully. She knew that he disliked his father, and didn’t care for him by any sense of the word, but she never knew specifics as to why. It must have been really difficult to watch Madeline going through this when he’d dealt with it within his own family. She looked away from him and looked down at her hands and sighed before she stood up and made her way over to him. “ Ryan, I didn’t know and … I’m very sorry. But even if we have different reasons, you took the hits. You had a reason. You might not like mine, but it’s my reason. I need to stay here. I can’t divorce him. I can’t lose you,” she said simply as she stood by him.

“ He may be a man of empty words,… but you are not,” she said, wrapping her arms around his waist and standing on her toes to plant a kiss on him quickly. “ You have no idea what leaving your door open involves. I have to stay married to him. You’re not ready for what you know would happen if I walked through your open door. You’re not ready for .. arguing over Thor or Something Borrowed at the movie store. Or seeing me when I’m exhausted and all covered in glitter from work. Or when you’re exhausted and covered in glitter from your work. His drawer, her drawer. Hey honey, I’m home…what’s for dinner?” she smiled as she looked at him. “ What we have right now it’s not.. I mean it’s not the greatest. But I think it’s what you can handle. And I’ll wait for you until you’re ready.” she said with a smile, kissing him again, “ Till death do us part,” she said before she made her way over to the fridge to get herself something to drink.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan walked back to the living room, sitting down beside her, "I know we all have our reasons, I just don't want you to forget that walking away is always an option. And you won't ever lose me, I just don't want to lose you." Ryan an arm around her, pulling her against him. He meant what he said. He understood why she did what she did, he did the same thing, somehow thinking taking the hits would protect everyone else. But it was the last thing he wanted for her. And he really was torn about Patrick. From what Madeline said, he did try to make it up to her, so maybe he did feel remorse? Ryan didn't know. Maybe people like Patrick just needed someone to tell them to fricken pull it together and get help. He didn't know. Ryan laughed, "Madeline if I wasn't prepared for you coming for my door I wouldn't leave it open for you. If it happened, we'd make it work. I'm not too concerned about it." Ryan knew he wanted Madeline, and just Madeline. He didn't want anything else. And he'd finally told her about his dad, and she'd listened, just as he had listened those few times when she spoke of David or anything else she rarely spoke of. Ryan wanted Madeline to know everything about him, and why shouldn't she? He loved her, he trusted her. He didn't want o keep anything from her.

Ryan turned to look at her, his face serious, "Since were being honest, I have something else you should know. It's not really important, but I just want to tell you. My dads mistress? He was seeing her for like, seven years or something before my mom found out. And during that time, they had a daughter, which is my half sister." Ryan sighed shrugging, "It's not like a big secret, Felicia and I know about her, she knows about us. Her name is Olivia. I think she's like fourteen." He looked at Madeline. He wondered if she'd be mad about him not saying anything about her. It was just, it wasn't a secret, but they just didn't make a big deal about it. Ryan and Felicia knew they had a younger sister, Olivia knew she had older siblings, they didn't really talk. Last Ryan knew, his dad and Olivia's mom were still married. So. Though he wouldn't mind knowing his other sister, he really didn't want anywhere near his father.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline watched as Ryan spoke and tensed as he explained that he had a sibling. Growing up in his hostile conditions must have been painfully difficult, in more ways than one. But she couldn’t help but wonder why he was telling her this now, why he had waited all this time. “ You’re telling me this now, because Patrick beat me…” she said, as more of a statement than a question, trying to string all of the pieces of what he was saying together. She licked her lips and scoffed quietly under her breath. “ You um.. you were there for me when David.. passed away. You were there when that asshole at the party decided to … “ she shook her head, closing her eyes as she thought back to that night, “ You held my hand at the clinic… You saw my family fall to pieces. And you fit in so well, like a missing puzzle piece we never even knew we were missing. And what did I know about you? You’re a musician, who made me laugh… and smile, and is from Arizona. You love shark week, and tacos.. and me. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met… and we have been in love, for months.. and this is the first thing you’ve let me into that no one else is aware of?” Madeline shook her head, “ I let you into everything. Even if I didn’t talk about things in depth, or the frequency of the subject was limited, I let you into everything.”. She stood up from the couch and moved her blanket away from herself before she made her way back to his room to find her things.

Madeline changed into her pair of jeans quickly, leaving his shirt on and deciding not to bother with it. After she stepped into her heels she picked up her bag and shook out her hair which was starting to dry, pulling it up into a bun and shaking some of the ends out. When she came back into the living room she stood in front of him, shouldering her purse over her shoulder. “ How can I let you in any more than I already have, when I can’t trust that you’re being completely honest with me anymore? I realize you probably don’t think this is a secret, but you didn’t talk to me about it, Ryan. I came to you about everything and you wait how long to tell me something this crucial to your life? This crucial to understanding who you are. I’m an idiot for letting you in, every time. Thinking you would do the same for me.. when it took you how long? And how can I trust that there isn’t anything else? That girl that is your sister.. who is too young to make decisions on her own, she needs you, Ryan. You and Felicia of all people know what kind of monster your father was. You know she can’t be happy growing up the way she is. You know the thoughts going through her head, because you thought all of them too. I never had that chance with David. He was happy. We had the perfect life and he still took his own. For no reason. And now Joel? Drinking day and night. Talking about death like it’s talking about the weather. I worry about him, constantly. This girl.. if she is in pain, it can be overwhelming. But how can you expect to let her in, when you can’t even do that for the woman you love? And you don’t get to say that you’re letting me in now,.. that it makes up for it taking this long. Because how many things have I leaned on you for?”

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan stood watching her angrily get up and get ready to go. So much her being supportive. For all the things he'd been there for her for, he'd never once walked away, and here she was walking away when he shared something with her. And he understood she was dealing with a lot, he did. In comparison to him, who was really dealing with nothing other then the woman you love being married to someone who beat her and it really bothered you because you were abused as a child and on top of that you know damn well your little sister is in a horrible situation and you can't do a damn thing about it and every time you think about her all you can do is worry and pray shes doing okay under that roof, and maybe send her a long message on facebook and tell her how things are and ask how shes doing. He was dealing with nothing. No one was beating him currently, he hadn't lost a sibling, he'd never been raped, gotten pregnant, had to have an abortion. He knew his shit paled in comparison to hers. But he at least hoped it wouldn't be insignificant. But if she was going to walk out, at least she knew he loved her. Her walking out wouldn't change that, or the fact that his door was always open.

When Madeline came back in, Ryan looked at her understandably. He didn't blame her for being upset. "Madeline, you have leaned on me for a lot of things, and I've stood by you. I would never change that or do a damn thing different. And it's always been about you for me, I just want you to be fine and get through everything at your own pace, I never push you, and no I don't bring up my sister after your brother has just recently passed away. I couldn't see how bringing her up when you had only just lost a sibling would be fair to you. And no, I am not telling you this because Patrick beats you. He'd still beat you if I'd have told you this months ago. Because your knowledge of this doesn't change the fact that Patrick has a problem and needs help. And just so you know, I know Olivia needs me. Which is why we keep in contact on a regular basis. I do care about her, she's not just some forgotten sibling. She's still my sister, I love her the same way I love Felicia." Ryan softened, he wasn't upset with her really, "Look I'm very sorry it took this long to tell you, I know you should have known earlier. I just... nothing ever felt like the right time to tell you, and it just kind of got put on the back burner. I understand you're upset with me, I should have told you and I feel awful and I'm a jerk. I just... wanted you to know. I love you, I want to tell you everything. Honestly there isn't anything else you don't know, I swear. Look I don't blame you for being upset, I get it. If you want to go, I won't blame you. I don't want you to... but I won't blame you." Ryan looked away, sitting down, resting his elbows on his legs and rested his face in his hands for a moment, rubbing his face before wiping his hands on his jeans. He half expected her to leave. He might if he was her, maybe. He didn't know.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline shook her head, “ No, it wasn’t right to keep it from me. Yeah I lost David, but .. you kept a part of your life from me that is huge. You think I’m weak? Like Patrick? You think I’m as weak as he does? Cause I can handle things Ryan. I handle a lot more than you people think I do and I think I do it pretty damn well. Ryan… you kept a part of yourself from me. You hid her, the same way I tried to hide David. And I thought I was… crazy for doing that. When you were doing it too. It would have helped me. Do you think I like hearing that you had to go through all of this on your own? Yeah you have Felicia to lean on too, but you KNOW that you carry the burden more yourself. You worry about everyone, and I do the same thing. How could we not lean on each other for that?” Madeline dropped her purse to the side and looked down, running her hand over her face as she tried to understand everything he had said, and what his justifications were in his opinion. He had said that Olivia needed him and she knew that must be true. But she needed him to. “ I am never selfish,… Ryan.” she said quietly before she looked up and felt herself start to burst into tears.

“ I really need you, too” she said, using the back of her hand to run under her nose. Madeline may have been graceful at a lot of things, but not at crying. “ I don’t want just part of you. I need all of you Ryan. It’s not fair. You already have to share me. I don’t want to not know all of you,” She sniffled again, “ You can’t keep things bottled up. David kept things bottled up. He didn’t let me in. So you have to let me in. Otherwise this will never work. You have to let me in,” she repeated, this time moving closer towards him. “ Am I not good enough for that?” she questioned, pushing the tears away with her fingers. “ Just help me understand, because right now I don’t get it,” she said simply, looking down at him as she stood in front of him.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan looked up at her, he knew she was right. She always was, when was she not? He knew he shouldn't have kept it from her, it was just... the longer it went on the more it felt like the wrong time to share. But that was no excuse. He shook his head, "I don't think you're weak. Madeline, you're one of the strongest people I know." He let her finish before finishing what he had to say, "Madeline I do let you in, all the time. Do you remember how much I didn't use to talk? I can't remembering having this much to say in my whole life before meeting you. Look, you haven't done anything wrong, I just... was stupid. And that's really all there is." Ryan stood back up, looking her in the eye. This person, this girl standing in front of him, this was his life. It wasn't just hers, or just his, separately. They'd made this joint life that they shared somehow, a crazy life, but one they shared none the less. They made it work somehow, they got through all the rough stuff, they fixed what they could, anything else was perfect in the broken way it was. They just did it all together. Made things work.

Ryan watched her, furrowing his eyebrows, "So what do you think, stay?" He shrugged. He sighed, looking away. "I know, you're mad... but please don't leave." Honestly he'd rather she stayed right there and yelled at him, sat on his couch fuming, instead of walking out the door. He couldn't think about her walking out. Not that he didn't think she'd be back, but for the limited time they had, he didn't want to spend any of it not with her.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline listened as Ryan spoke and nodded, remembering how he had been when they first met. People mistook him for shy, when that wasn’t the case at all. He just chose his words very carefully, spoke as little as possible while saying the most possible in those few words. Even if he hadn’t been letting her in , in the same way she had been letting him in, he was doing it in his own way. She just didn’t recognize it since it wasn’t something she had done herself. Madeline nodded, “ Okay, that’s fair,” she said quietly, letting him finish what he had to say. Madeline felt her heart sort of break as he asked her to stay. Anything he ever asked from her was his. She stepped out of her heels and kneeled down to dig through her purse before she took out her wallet and tore a picture out of one of the pockets of it, tossing her wallet back into her purse. Madeline sat back on the couch, pulling the blanket back over her legs before she curled up into his side and held the picture out onto his lap. “ You know how I always loved taking pictures of the sunrise?” she asked, pulling her hair down from it’s messy bun.

“ I had never seen a more beautiful sunrise as I did the morning after you told me you loved me, and we.. you know,” she said, tracing her finger over the bent edges of the photograph she had taken of the sunrise that morning. “ You make everything more beautiful,” she said simply, as though there wasn’t a simple way to argue it at all. She rested the photograph on his leg before she wrapped her arm around his waist and made herself comfortable, using him as a pillow by all means. “ Everything else hails in comparison to you and that’s why I know we can make it through anything. Because I know each morning and at the end of each day that you love me, just as much as I know that the sun will rise in the morning. It’s the start of something new, fresh.. a clean slate.. and you give me that same feeling. I was right when I told you that I thought love was like the universe, when we were naïve, talking about love. I just didn’t know that my entire universe could be put into six feet of perfect imperfections. I’m sorry I almost walked away… I won’t do that. And this is just something you and I can face together if you like. Because you don’t ever have to go through anything alone ever again,”