[Complicated] If I Die Young

[Joel Carter Foster]

Joel held his jeans up at the sides loosely before he pulled them up out of habit of Blake yelling at him about them being too low. He was still sweaty from the performance and was just looking forward to taking a shower on the tour bus and relaxing, let someone else do the work while they drive to the next destination. This was the life he’d been waiting for since the day David died. He’d been passionate about music when David was still alive, but that day things just sort of clicked. Life was short, don’t waste a second of it. Give it your all and never back down from something that you knew was going to be yours. Now he was making music he actually loved, despite what some people had to say about it, with his idol who he had nothing but absolute respect for. It was a strange thing, Joel… pop music. His boy band dance moves. But here he was, tattooes that people didn’t know about, hanging out with one of the craziest rockstars he knew, Ryan O’Neil. Surface impressions told you that Ryan O’Neil and Joel Foster shouldn’t be friends. But he loved that man more than anything, he was his best friend, mentor, brother. He was a good man. Joel peeled his sweaty shirt off and turned the radio all the way up in the back of the tour bus, hearing as a song by Blake was finishing up. Joel looked over his shoulder. “Where’s O’Neil? He getting’ on?” he asked, shaking his hand through his sweaty hair. He grinned as Ryans slim figure came onto the bus. It was nice of him to tag along for a leg of the tour. As much as Ryan might say it was to keep an eye on him, Joel knew what it came down to. They would just flat out miss each other. He’d hop onto Ryan’s tour bus any day just to spend a few minutes with him. Plus, they had such different taste in music, but he couldn’t help but respect Ryan a shitton more when he saw him on stage. “ Great show, right? Time to light up.” he said excitedly, wiggling his eyebrows as he headed into the back of the bus to get everything they would need to have a smoke. Less than a year ago, Joel had never even laid a hand on alcohol. Enter Shane Madden and Ryan O’Neil.

Joel held the lighter between his fingers, flipping it mindlessly as he walked back towards the front of the bus. Sure, Ryan had a relationship with his sister. And he was sure that Madeline probably missed him, but hell all Joel cared about right now was that one of his best friends was with him on tour. Lance couldn’t exactly make it, try getting that kid away from Kiersten and getting ready for college was a trick in itself. Besides, he was trying really hard to maintain his sobriety. A few drinks every now and then was one thing, going on tour with someone, not so kosher. Felicia couldn’t exactly come, she was still in school. He didn’t need to hear any of that from Madeline who was already calling every two hours to ask about his homework. Damn, didn’t Logan have his shit on lock? Back off, already. Joel lit the end of his wrapper and took in a deep breath before he held it out to Ryan, exhaling slowly as the radio station quit playing commercials and came back with a new song. Joel blew out the rest of the smoke that was in his lungs and grinned as he looked at Ryan, belting out the lyrics to serenade him as the slow song started. Not the greatest song to serenade someone to, but Ryan was smoking soon so it wouldn’t really matter anyways. It was a good song either way, he wasn’t afraid to admit that. Not his style, but still a good song. “ Lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn. Send me away with the words of a love song.. oh, oh… lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother. She’ll know I’m safe with you…. Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be.. the sharp knife of a short life, well I’ve had just enough time,…if I die young bury me in silence, lay me down on a bed of roses,” he sang clearly tapping his hands against his bare stomach like they were a drum.

Joel looked away from Ryan and out of the tour bus windows, which were tinted so that no one could see in, but so that he could see outside. He narrowed his eyebrows and quit singing immediately, going over to the window where he rested his hands on the edge of it and tried to spot her again. Surely it was her. He’d met her New Years Eve at the mtv party where he had done a performance. He’d know her anywhere. There was no way she could have just been a figment of his imagination. There was something about her, something that had truly made him stop and consider her. Even for a moment. The kid that wanted nothing but a career, to focus on his music and that’s it, found himself wondering what she was doing when he was in the studio late at night, staring out the window as he was driven around for tour. He tightened his jaw, not able to see her anymore. Maybe it had been his mind playing tricks on him. “ I thought…” he said, slightly explaining himself to Ryan, but instead standing up straight and looking out the window. But before he could go any further, there she was again, and without any hesitation he moved instantly. Joel grabbed the shirt he had brought with him off the table and darted off of the bus, moving past his security guards, ducking under the arms that tried to catch him and bolted out towards her. She wouldn’t give him her name that night, she didn’t give him anything. Which was what had made her stand out in the first place. But if Joel was anything he was a man that chased after what he wanted. But what did he even want? Her? A relationship? Getting slapped in the face? Giving up time he could be spending on work for what… a girl? Anything. Whatever meant seeing her smile again. One of his security guards was able to grip the fabric of his shirt but Joel spun quickly, getting his fabric loose again before he darted past a group of fans who seemed to finally understand that Joel was no longer on the bus and switched the direction of their screaming from the parked vessel to chasing after him as well.

Joel wanted to yell out her name, if only he knew it. Yelling out to her wouldn’t matter anyways, girls were already screaming. His attempt to yell at her would be engulfed. She’d been so aloof, played him off so coolly at the New Years Event.. but here she was. At his show. Clearly she was just as intrigued by him as he had been by her. Joel pushed himself to go faster, pushing his foot off of the curb as he ran into the street, she was already to the other side and the thought of losing her felt like he had been hit with a ton of bricks. Only it hadn’t been a ton of bricks. His eyes were still watching her, though now he couldn’t really see what she was doing, and since when did he get to the pavement. He flinched, gritting his teeth as he realized that the searing pain in his body hadn’t been imaginary, he’d actually been hit by something and when he lifted his head to look at his body he could see it. The blood, the busted light on the car that had hit him, the broken glass on the pavement, the way he could see inside his leg and the bone that was sticking out of it, it was then that everything else became apparent. His vision started to tunnel, followed quickly by the realization that his hearing was starting to become distorted. He had never paid attention to the screaming before, he’d gotten so used to it. But now it sounded so distant, muffled. He took in as deep as a breath as he could, but it felt hollow like the air couldn’t quite reach his lungs. Instead he let his head drop back, hitting the pavement as he winced again, letting the vision tunnel him into darkness and waited until he could no longer hear the screaming.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan had to admit there were a lot of similarities between going to one of his own shows and one of Joel’s. The screaming girls didn’t change, the lights, the noise, the hype. That was all pretty similar. It wasn’t all the time that Ryan got to go on tour and just watch someone else do exactly what they loved the same way he loved it, and just observe and enjoy. There were differences too, like how at Ryan’s shows, they were more underground, played small venues by choice, tried to keep it more of an intimate affair. Joel’s shows were definitely a product of Logan Renner. They were big, and over the top, and fun. They were completely Joel. Full of energy, interacted with the fans, all personality and no worries in the world once he got on stage. Kid was born to perform; there was no doubt about it. Joel had more determination to succeed than any other person Ryan knew. Plus, just getting to hang out with Joel on the bus day after day was nice. Ryan knew he’d miss Joel when he was away, so touring with him for at least a part of it made it easier than being separated. Being separated from Madeline was a completely different story, but Joel had asked him if he would come along and he didn’t want to miss an opportunity to do this with Joel, especially when he didn’t know when he’d be able to do it next.

Ryan climbed on to Joel’s bus, shaking his head at Joel when he approached him, already wanting a smoke. Ryan was supposed to be making sure he didn’t do stuff like this, but Ryan wasn’t going to tattle on him. “Excellent show,” he agreed, letting Joel light up before he took a hit after him, inhaling briefly before he stopped and watched Joel. The song on the radio was one Ryan knew, one he was sure a lot of people knew. It was one of those cross over country songs, it got played on the country stations and the hit ones, much like Blake’s music. But it was a good song. Had an interesting idea behind it. Ryan thought he’d think much the same thing if he had to die young. He wondered just how much Joel identified with it, given his situation about his brother and all Joel had been through. Ryan laughed, “Hey, you have a lot of time bro, don’t forget that.” Ryan sat down on the couch in the bus, about ready to sit back and relax when Joel was suddenly looking out the window. He started to say something, but seemed to brush it off before he finished. “What?” Ryan questioned, standing up to look out the window too, but all he saw were Joel’s crazed fans. Joel was still looking, but then he seemed to have found what it was the first time that had caught his eye and he was already moving off the bus. “What? Joel, hang on!” Ryan hurried after him, thinking only bad things would come out of Joel going back out there. Get mobbed, tackled, molested by fans, take an hour to get him back out of the crowd of girls. It really was more of a safety issue.

Ryan jumped off the bottom step, chasing after Joel before the security guys even started heading his way. Long legs were a bit of a plus if you had to get somewhere fast. Ryan knew security was fast behind him but he knew he’d get to Joel before they did. Ryan pushed through the crowd, calling after him, “Joel hold up, are you nuts?” Ryan understood trusting your fans or liking them or whatever but not enough to put yourself in their grasps like this. They’d eat him alive. Ryan could see him up ahead, “Joel!” yelling after him, hoping to at least catch up with him so he had somebody with him to fend people off if need be. Hell if things got too bad Ryan could just throw him over his shoulder and abort mission. In the few seconds that Ryan could reach him, things got so worse that Ryan actually slowed his pace as a reflex and watched in horror. He felt like every muscle in his body froze, gluing him to the pavement as he watched the car collide with Joel’s body, his heart coming to a complete stop. No time had passed, barely a second or two, but it felt like Ryan was holding his breath for minutes, just frozen in fear. He couldn’t even feel that his feet had never stopped moving in Joel’s direction because it felt like time had stopped ruthlessly. For as long as it felt Ryan’s brain had become sluggish and incapable of forming any kind of reaction, he snapped back in a single second, still plowing toward Joel, but now with so much desperation he though his heart was going to explode. He finally reached Joel, who wasn't moving, wasn't talking, wasn't awake, nothing. Nothing at all. No response at all. “Joel!” he said impatiently, unable to even take in the fact that his leg was so mangled, the bone had broken skin and was plainly visible. All Ryan could register was blood, and scrapes, injuries, Joel’s mangled body, and the fact that he was so unresponsive that Ryan couldn’t bring himself to accept that he might not be alive. He’d never felt so panicked in his life, for someone who was so calm, logical, intellectual, he’d never felt so helpless, stupid, incapable of doing anything of good use. The security guys were swarming in, pushing fans back, creating a sort of eerie circle of viewers around the scene, the driver of the car was hysterical. Ryan was just trying to help Joel, talk to him, make him come to, anything that was a sign that he wasn’t dead. He gingerly touched his face, looking at the damage, placing his ear near his chest, trying to feel anywhere for a pulse still. Ryan thought it was there, but it was so faint he felt like he was just telling himself what he wanted to hear. One of the security guys was already calling an ambulance and the rest of them were trying to control the situation around them. No one wanted to move him, not knowing what damage was already done, but no one wanted anyone crowding around either. Girls were screaming, crying hysterically, holding each other, yelling premature statements, telling others that he was dead. He couldn’t be. Ryan wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Ryan seemed to feel like time was at a standstill and yet rushing by at the same time. The entire scene was a blur of crying fans, security yelling profane things in frustration, EMT’s trying to do their job and get Joel safely in the ambulance, and Ryan just trying to stay as close to Joel as possible. He felt like he was figuratively holding his breath, not knowing the verdict, what was going to happen, if he was going to be okay. He’d been right at least; Joel wasn’t dead, but only just barely. The tiny bit of string that Joel was holding on by was about as fine and weak as a spider’s web, frail and easily destroyed. Ryan clung to Joel’s hand, one of the only things on him that wasn’t mangled and broken. He rode with him in the ambulance, talking to him softly, telling him anything, but knowing it really didn’t do any good. Talking to him wasn’t going to heal him, it was really more for Ryan’s own state of mind. If he was talking to him, he was still there. He’d never sit there and talk to someone who was already gone. Ryan felt like he had blinked and they were already at the hospital, still gripping Joel’s hand as they wheel him down a hallway so they could operate and Ryan realized when they reached that door, he’d have to let go. But what was he letting go of? A friend. A brother. A family member, someone he loved to death, would chop off both his arms to make sure this kid didn’t die. And as soon as he let go, he didn’t have a definitive answer that he’d see him again alive. There was no guarantee of that. For all Ryan knew, he might be the last person to hold Joel’s hand, the last person to tell him while he was at least still breathing that he loved the shit out of him. Ryan knew when it was time, the hospital people, who were being so understanding and had let Ryan stay with him all the way to this point, were looking at him with so much sympathy it was sick. They didn’t want to tell him he couldn’t go beyond this point. But they didn’t have to, Ryan knew. He squeezed Joel’s hand, placing a hand on his face for a second, looking at him, so still. Looked like he was just sleeping. “I love you, man. See you when you get out.” Ryan couldn’t convince himself that this was true, because Joel’s state looked far too awful. But he wasn’t going to tell Joel that.

After the doors swung closed, Ryan stood motionless, not sure what he was even supposed to do. A woman was asking him to fill out whatever forms he could, but there were some of Joel’s people here. Management, tour managers, anybody else that could handle some of the paperwork. Someone else said they would take care of what they could so Ryan could call his family. Even they thought Ryan was the best option for that job. Ryan thought so too, he’d rather call David himself and tell him. Ryan stepped in the hall outside the waiting room where it was quiet. He had that nagging anxious feeling, like he was forgetting something, or that something still went unanswered. Yeah. Ryan called David, barely registering the sound of the phone ringing on the other end, before David answered. “Ryan… It’s true?” David questioned, not even starting with hello. Ryan wasn’t surprised, David was down with the internet, he kept tabs on his kids. Ryan slide down the wall, sitting down, rubbing his head, wishing this conversation had no reason to happen. “He’s… alive. He’s in surgery.” Ryan hadn’t really prepared himself for what David asked him next, “What’s he saying? Is he scared?” Ryan paused, knowing he’d have to explain better. “David, I don’t know… he’s not... he’s just, unconscious. He has been. He got hit by a car… he never gained reconsciousness.” Ryan took a deep breath, “David… how fast can you get here?” There was so many things he wanted to say, like, he looked awful, I don’t think things are looking good, his bone was sticking out of his leg… but he still had half a mind to make sure he didn’t say anything to worry them more than they needed to be. Maybe Joel would be fine. Maybe by time they got there there’d be nothing they could do. Ryan pushed that thought from his mind and David answered him firmly, “As soon as Jennifer packs herself a bag I’ll be on my way there, and you can go to New York.” Ryan nodded though he knew damn well David couldn’t see it. They exchanged a few more necessary words and hung up. He wanted to talk to Madeline, hear her voice. But at the same time he dreaded the call and what he had to tell her. This wasn’t the first phone call she’d receive with bad news about a brother. But it was still a call he had to make, so he took a deep breath and called her, unsure of how she would take it.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline picked up the cup of hot chocolate out of the microwave and blew over the edge of the giant mug. If she was at Blake’s place, or probably even Mackenzie’s now, she’d get homemade hot chocolate. But this was Ryan’s place. Here she had instant cocoa. Madeline closed the door to the microwave lazily before she made her way over to Ryans’ couch and plopped down, setting the mug on the coffee table beside her. She missed him, every piece of him. She wanted nothing more than for him to be here with her, lounging on the couch. But instead she had the television on mute, leaving it on mainly so she wouldn’t feel so alone, but not wanting to listen to it. Ever since she had came to Ryan’s she just felt at home. But that wasn’t because of the building, that was because of Ryan. He was home. Wherever he was, was home. Which meant her home was on the road with Joel right now. But she understood, honestly. They had a connection that she would never want to sever. Someone seeing Joel like a brother meant the world to her, the fact that it was Ryan just sort of made her heart melt. How could she begrudge him for loving Joel just as much as she did? If that meant going on the road to spend a leg of his tour with him, then go for it. Madeline had lots of pretending to do anyways when it came to looking for an apartment. That was easier when Ryan wasn’t around. Madeline tilted her head as she read her cosmo, making a face of disgust as she tried to picture the ‘hottest new sex position’ they were detailing. “ Gross,” she mumbled beneath her breath but instead read further down, onto more positions. A few of them even earned the placement of one of her gold star stickers. Couldn’t really lay it out more for Ryan if she tried. Which she was. In all sorts of angles apparently.

Madeline looked up at the television, ignoring whatever fighting was happening on Jersey Shore. That little fat one.. shakey?Shorty? Snickerdoodle? Whatever her name was. She looked like a drunken banshee. She dropped her eyes from the television and looked down at her phone seeing that the red light was going off at the top corner. She narrowed her eyebrows and picked up her phone. Since when did she put it on silent? Sixteen missed calls, thirty two text messages, all from different people it looked like. Madeline made a confused face, wondering what in the hell could be going on when she saw Ryans name pop up instantly on the screen of her phone, his voice belting out the lyrics to Pour Some Sugar On Me as her phone rang. Madeline smiled, instantly forgetting about everyone else in the world that was trying to get ahold of her and pressed the button on her phone immediately to answer the call, “ Hi sweetheart,” she said, settling back against the couch as she wrapped the blanket around her legs. ‘Hey..’ his voice came from the other end of the phone, certainly not as steady as it had just sang out her ringtone. Madeline frowned, hearing something different in his voice that she hadn’t anticipated. “"Madeline, I really wish I didn't have to tell you this, I don't have good news for you, honey”. She tensed, pushing her magazine off of her legs before she sat up on the couch. “ What’s going on? Are you okay? “ she asked. He hadn’t been gone long, how could he have gotten himself into trouble already? An instant panic fled into every cell of her body, making it feel like someone had literally reached into her chest and had clutched their ice cold fingers around her heart.

“"No, I’m fine, it isn’t me. It’s... Joel. There’s been an accident. I’m at the hospital, Joel is in surgery..." he said, effectively causing the pain in her chest to completely evaporate. There was a new sensation, a numbness spreading slowly through her body like it was being poured in like molasses. “ Oh,” she said, giving a small nod though she knew it was pointless since he wouldn’t be able to see her. Joel was in an accident. “ Well…” she said, trying to find a bright side. “Honestly, it’s a good thing he was in such a large city that had a hospital so close..” she said, weighing the options of if it had been a small city. Madeline looked at her phone, placing it on speakerphone before she set it on the coffee table. She looked to Ryan’s computer, opening the lid instantly before she took a guess at his password. Sharkweek. Really? After that was quickly loaded she pulled up a firefox page and entered Joels’ name into the google search box. An audible gasp came from Madeline’s lips before she placed her hand completely over her mouth, using just her fingertip on her right hand to select a few pictures. Madeline froze, captivated by the pictures on the computer. She could hear the screaming from the fans expressions, see the devastation written across Ryan’s face more clearly than anything he’d ever written lyrically. And the blood. The blood made it nearly impossible to see anything else that was wrong with him, it was such a deep red color, so much darker than people often thought it was. And here he was, basically lying in a pool of it. Madeline placed her hand against the edge of the computer, looking onto the screen that had captured the image of the two people currently in this world she cared about more than absolutely anything. And here they were, frozen in an image of pure horror. It looked like something that had come straight out of a movie, and yet she’d never felt this way before. She had never seen pictures of David, never had to envision him in the moments before his death. And here was Joel… already looking so lifeless and it was captured on film. This moment, that she never would want shared with anyone outside of her family, was broadcast and easily researchable. Nothing separated her from anyone with an internet connection. How could he look so much like a little boy and a man at the same time. How could he look so defeated, tangled, battered, like he had lost a fight when he hadn’t even been given a chance. How could Ryan look so distraught, clearly stricken with fear at what was happening to his brother. He was so bloody, it almost looked like he had been in an accident himself. Her heart ached wanting to reach out to both of them but something inside of her stopped herself. What was she going to do without Joel? Madeline blinked, staring at the screen, at the last moments she honestly felt her brother had been alive. So he was in surgery. That meant nothing. Was he reunited with David? Was he watching over her right now? And just like that, Madeline no longer felt like she was in control of herself, but like she was looking down, watching herself staring down at the computer screen, at the images in front of her. Ryan clinging to Joel more than he had ever fought for anything in his entire life. Joel, broken. He was a broken porcelain doll. “ You know, David always told Joel not to play in the streets” she said, as though he had fair warning. But what could she do, what could she say? She couldn’t even function, her brain couldn’t process a damn thing right now. “ But Joel also used to set fireworks off in Davids’ room..” she said, tilting her head as though that somehow made them even. “ Oh, fireworks. I should make spicy chicken for supper,” she said looking over at the magazine which had the recipe for it.
“ Are you on the internet? Madeline, please don’t look at the pictures” he urged her through the phone, probably having heard her typing. Madeline licked her lips, picking up her magazine again as she began to flip through for the recipe she wanted to try out for Ryan. Before she could say anything back he was already talking again, “ I’m on my way home, as soon as possible. Okay? “. Madeline nodded her approval, “ Okay, good. Everything should be ready when you get here,” she said, looking down at the recipe. “ Love you, sweetheart see you soon” she said into the phone, waiting for Ryan to respond that he loved her as well before she hung up the phone. Madeline looked up at the television, realizing that MTV had broken into the middle of their show and was now programming live footage of Joel with the paramedics, with Ryan, being brought to the hospital. She blinked, finding herself emotionally unattached from the scene. Who were these people that were weeping over someone they didn’t even know? But instead of letting herself become angry she picked up the roommate and immediately turned the television off. Madeline hummed quietly to herself, picking up the magazine that held the recipe and made her way into the kitchen where she set it down carefully. Ryan needed a good meal to come home too. He’d had such a long day. Maybe Rosie was hungry. It didn’t look like she ate, but she did. That was one of the things Joel loved about her. Joel. Madeline looked at the inside of the fridge, separating what she needed for the recipe at hand. Once that was all done she placed her hands on her hips, looking at everything in the fridge that Joel didn’t like. Onions, asparagus, carrots. There was a lot of things she just couldn’t cook with if she was going to make a meal for him. Not that it would matter. He’d had his last meal. Though, she had no idea what it was, whatever restaurant him and Ryan had gotten to go food from. Madeline bit the ponytail holder off of her wrist and pulled it up into her hair, tightening it as though she were on a mission before she started taking everything out of the fridge that Joel didn’t like and began to drop it into the trash can.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

It was now Ryan’s experience that hospitals did not have any comfortable places to sleep and for the most part, a majority of the people in there had difficulty finding sleep anyways out of worry for whatever loved ones they were there for. And for that reason, Ryan did not get an ounce of sleep and instead spent the night either sitting starring at the wall, pacing, or walking aimlessly around the hospital in search of decent coffee. He wished he had some stuff to smoke but something told him that wasn’t allowed at the hospital. He just knew it’d help him relax, what with everything going on. So far some doctors had been out periodically with small updates, this surgery went well, on to the next one, etc.. But never anyone telling him that Joel was going to be out soon. And never any updates on how Joel himself was. Ryan felt like he’d been in the hospital for years before realized the sun was finally coming up. Had it really been an entire night? All he could think of was Joel, could still picture him lying lifeless in the street, in the ambulance, being wheeled through the hospital. He struggled to picture Joel before the accident since the images were so plainly stuck in his mind. He imagined Joel on stage just last night, on his segway on New Years Eve, goofing around with Ryan at home, in the studio, on holidays. Definitely better to try to think of Joel when he wasn’t completely mangled.

Ryan had tried calling Madeline this morning but to no surprise to Ryan, she hadn’t answered, though she still replied to his text messages. He knew she was walking the fine line between handling it and having a complete breakdown. He wondered how much longer until David and Jennifer got there because he just wanted to get back to Madeline in New York. Ryan had been texting David periodically and knew they had completely lucked out and got a direct flight to Atlanta last night. Ryan knew it must have been fate on their side that there had been a daily flight that just so happened to run right when they needed one. But it was a long flight, and then even so they had to make a connection out to LA. So far this morning Ryan had found three good coffee spots, the good food in the cafeteria, if you could consider any of it good, and a jigsaw puzzle in the waiting room on the third floor, where they did stomach surgeries for people who wanted to lose weight. Ryan found the chairs in this waiting room a lot bigger too, so they were extra comfy. Ryan was making his way back to the floor he was supposed to be on. NO matter what he did to try to keep his mind busy to help pass the time, he just couldn’t get his mind off of Joel. Ryan caught sight of himself in a window during the night while he was wandering, finally realizing the blood still on his shirt and jeans. What he wouldn’t do for a change of clothes. It was just after twelve noon when Ryan plopped down in his appropriate waiting room when a nurse came in, asking for the family of Joel Foster. Ryan stood up as if someone had lit his chair on fire and the nurse explained that he was out of surgery and moving him to recovery. She left so Ryan sat back down.

Basically, Joel was out of surgery, but he wouldn’t be awake for a long, long while. In fact, because of the swelling in his head, doctors were talking words like coma. Ryan barely heard them. At the moment the only word registering was ‘alive’ so he was focusing on that until Joel’s parents got there. As if on cue, Ryan looked up when he sensed more people coming in the room, standing up to greet David and Jennifer who both looked exhausted with jet lag and worry. Ryan understood the feeling. He remembered the long flight from LA to South Africa that he’d made not even a year ago. It was a bitter sweet reunion though, all things considered. Ryan hugged them both, both of them telling him he looked awful like he hadn’t slept in days. But Jennifer, bless her, had brought him a change of clothes which was more than she realized. The doctor came in and David went to go speak with him about Joel’s condition and Ryan stayed back, telling Jennifer that he was going back to New York to convince Madeline to come out here, and probably come back with a small army he figured. He’d spoken with Felicia and Dani, both of them had been blubbering messes. Ryan assumed both of them were coming out here as soon as Ryan got back, which Ryan also thought would probably include Jake and Dex. Ryan was not totally sure what Dex was to his sister Felicia, but if she needed him then it was whatever. Ryan hadn’t been anything but a friend to Madeline and he’d flown to South Africa with her. Logan and Blake had already arranged to come out, Logan trying to make arrangements with Joel’s tour. Even Blake was helping getting things sorted out. No one knew if they were just canceling a number of shows or the entire tour.

In less than an hour, Ryan was on Riley’s private jet, on his way home to New York to get Madeline. He knew convincing her to go out to LA wasn’t going to be the simplest thing to do, but he was kind of determined to do exactly that. Ryan spoke briefly with Rosie who was beyond worried about Joel as if he were her own brother, but she said she’d been with Madeline at Ryan’s place, had even stayed the night with her. Rosie confirmed that Madeline was pretty much in denial. But Ryan was expecting that. But he’d be back soon and could tell everyone who was waiting for news what he knew so far. Just a five hour and forty five minute flight. Be there in a flash…

Ryan opened the door to his apartment when he got there, letting out the biggest sigh of relief and tossed his keys on the table. The sooner he could get Madeline to pack and go with him, the sooner everyone could go. This was the tricky part, the tread lightly part. The TV was on but it was muted. No mess in the kitchen, but he opened the fridge, finding an entirely cooked meal in there probably waiting for him. Looked like something knew. He went back to the living room, calling down the hall. It was early evening, but surely she was here. “Madeline?”

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline stared at the chicken entrée she had made for Ryan and realized that she had been staring at it in some weird trance for hours now. But there was so much to do. She had a break from work right now and during that time she was supposed to be taking care of Ryan. After all, he had allowed her into his home as a house guest and all. And he’d gone on tour with her brother to keep an eye on him. The least she could do was make sure he came home to a meal and a clean home. With that Madeline put foil over the food and placed it inside of the fridge, searching the kitchen endlessly for any and every cleaning supply Ryan had. She decided to start at the front of the house, cleaning the kitchen, living room, entry way, dining room, almost everything. She couldn’t clean away the images she had seen of her little brother, but she could sure as hell magic erase the rest of Ryan’s apartment. Madeline stayed like that, on her hands and knees, scrubbing every crevice of Ryan’s apartment, even while Rosie was there. Every so often she would ask Rosie to pick up her feet so that she could scrub underneath them on the floor, but Rosie never left. Strange, really since Madeline was pretty sure that Ethan was in town. Didn’t Rosie want to spend time with him? Madeline was fine. She just needed to clean. Surely someone had cleaned the street that Joel was hit on, right? She hated the idea that his blood was just sitting there in the street. No one had decency anymore. The back of her hands were raw from scrubbing, bleach, cleaning chemicals, but she didn’t feel the burn, instead she just focused on trying to give Ryan something worth coming home to. Actually, wait. What time was it? Because when she had started cleaning it was light outside, then it was dark… but it kind of seemed light again. Rosie couldn’t eat chicken for dinner. That was preposterous. The woman needed waffles. Madeline sat straight up, putting her hands on the bathroom counter as she pulled herself up and made her way into the kitchen.

Half an hour later and she still couldn’t find any waffle mix. No worries. She’d mixed together some eggs, bell peppers, sausage and cheese and was pouring it into the waffle maker. That made sense, right? Waffle shaped omelettes… she’d even whipped up a hollandaise sauce to go on top if to be the’syrup’. As she placed them delicately on the plate she knew how it looked. Like she had gone crazy, right? Absolutely not. People ate food in weird shapes… it was fine. Whatever. Rosie would eat it, the idea was intriguing at least. Madeline looked down at her clothes and realized that she hadn’t changed her outfit. Ryan would want to see her in something pretty. She nodded to herself, she needed to look pretty. She needed to dress herself up like the porcelain doll David always said she was, you know.. before he offed himself. Madeline set Rosie’s plate in front of her, blinking off into the distance as she backed away. “ I have to go get pretty, now” she said, giving a small nod to Rosie as though that made perfect sense. Madeline brought her hands down to her sides before she turned and went into Ryans’ room where she had most of her things. Madeline plugged her curling iron in before she went into the closet and pulled on the first red dress she could find, leaving the back of it unzipped since she was too lethargic to do that even. She walked over to the bathroom, picking up the curling iron as she looked into her reflection. How had her eyes gotten so black in this amount of time? She looked horrible,.. the make up artist for Victoria Secret would be so disappointed, complain to her about getting more sleep. But they were genuinely black under her eyes. Did stress make it worse? Madeline poked the skin underneath her eye. Well that wouldn’t do. Ryan would never find that pretty. Dolls had perfect porcelain skin. Madeline licked her lips, which she just noticed were dry and cracking. Oh, maybe she should’ve been drinking water or something. Madeline wrapped the curling iron around the first clutch of hair and let it sit there before pulling it away. She sighed as she watched what was happening in the mirror, hair being pulled from her head. Well, stress did make your hair fall out. But before she could think of anything to fix it she heard her name being called. Was he home already? Madeline set the curling iron down, walking out of the bathroom. Hair coming out, dress unzipped, eyes looking like she had been punched by Dex. “ Ryan!” she called out, going to find him. She gestured to the dining room where Rosie was and looked at him. “ Do you want an omelette waffle?” she asked before she put on a quick smile and kissed his cheek.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan found Madeline and Rosie in the dining room, which was funny because he almost never used the dining room when he didn't have anyone to eat with. But since Madeline was living there they used it ll the time. It was kind of nice. Rosie looked like she hadn't slept at all, and it showed. And though Madeline looked like she hadn't slept, she looked like she was still chugging along. Wearing a dress, hair half done, food on the table. The apartment smelled like cleaning products and eggs. And Madeline was beyond the point of looking for the bright side. There wasn't anything but the bright side in her world at the moment. Ryan had a feeling anything else that consisted of anything bad she was completely ignoring. Ryan smiled, hugging her when she kissed his cheek. Rosie gave him a silent thumbs up when he looked over at her eating her 'omelet waffle' "I don't know what an omelet waffle is, but yeah I'm hungry." Before he knew it, Ryan was sitting at the table with Rosie, some type of breakfast concoction being put in front of him. "Thank you," he said, smiling at her and then watched her until she went back to the bathroom to finish curling her hair he figured. He turned to Rosie who had dutifully finished her omelet waffle, saying quietly, "Has she been like this all night? Neither of you slept did you?" Rosie shook her head tiredly, "No, not at all. Well she wasn't going to, and I didn't want to sleep with her... cleaning and, you know. So..., the sooner we get Madeline to pack, the sooner we go? Riley's plane is all ready?" Ryan nodded, taking a bite, surprised a little that it was actually pretty good. He would have eaten it anyways even if it weren't. "Yeah. I think we got almost all the seats full..." Rosie nodded, setting her fork down and took a deep breath. "Well, at least maybe I can sleep on the flight or something," Ryan nodded. She looked tired, emotionally exhausted. Rosie was pretty open about her feelings. If she wasn't trying so hard to keep it together in front of Madeline, she probably would have shown some kind of emotional strain already. "Listen, I'm going to go home and pack a bag, see you at the airport?" Ryan nodded, "Yeah, I'll let you know." "I'll just... go tell Mads that I'll see her later. Probably sooner than she thinks."

Ryan finished eating after Rosie left, he hadn't even realized how incredibly hungry he was. He wondered if Madeline had eaten anything. He went into his room, finding Madeline in the bathroom, "So if I look in the hall closet, I'll find one of your suitcases, empty. I'm thinking we can go fill it. Take a little trip?" He said, opening the closet and looking through Madeline's clothes. What would she even want to pack? Madeline was probably done doing her hair, but Ryan brought in two suitcases, throwing his own stuff carelessly into one, packing Madeline's things much more carefully. She probably liked her stuff to be folded neatly or something. He wasn't really giving her much of an option here at all. he packed her tooth brush, hair brush, let her curling iron cool off and packed that too. He'd never packed for a girl before but as he went through all the things she used to get ready in the morning and packed them, he realized he needed an extra cosmetic bag for her... cosmetic things. He wasn't sure what she thought about him just packing her stuff but it was just necessary. Ryan handed her her coat, "Ready?" he asked, opening the fridge and found a bowl of fruit Madeline might want if she was hungry. He had a feeling she hadn't eaten much. He decided to bring it with them anyways, putting the suitcases by the door and looked at her expectantly.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

After Madeline set a plate in front of Ryan she lifted her hand to Rosie’s hair, patting her on the head lightly a few times before she made her way back towards the bathroom. She couldn’t have her hair be half curled, that was just silly. One way or the other. Madeline stepped into two different high heels, making her way back to the bathroom as she tried to decide which one she wanted to wear with her dress. She’d just wear both until she figured it out. If people were looking at her from different sides it was like she was wearing two different outfits. Holy smokes why did no one think of this before? Madeline finished curling her hair, setting the curling iron down where she brushed away some more hair that was falling out. Madeline used about half of the remaining hairspray in the can trying to salvage her hair and keep any more of it from falling out. Madeline looked up at Ryan with a stepford grin as he came into his room and mentioned filling a bag for her. She blinked a few times before she clapped her hands together. “ So many things I have to take care of first,” she said excitedly before she left the room, letting Ryan pack whatever he felt she needed. Madeline walked into the kitchen, setting the timer on the oven so that it would self clean. She went to the thermostat, making sure it was at precisely 63 degrees so that his energy bill wouldn’t be ridiculous with them being out of town. With that she started unplugging unnecessary electronics. Microwaves. Toaster ovens. Blu ray players. Sound systems. Televisions. If it had a plug, it was out of the wall. “ We have to make a pit stop,” she said stepping out of the hallway in her mixed matched shoes.

Stopping at the florist, going to the airport, going through security, and getting herself on the plane was pretty much a blur. But she held onto as many cherry blossom plants as she could in her long arms. “Jake,” she said tiredly as she walked over to where he and Dani were sitting on the plane. “ Dani and Ryan are close.. I know, I don’t get it. So anyways, you’re going to be in my life.. here is a cherry blossom,” she said, setting the potted plant down in his lap before she smiled down at him. “…You just water it….” she said, giving him an encouraging nod before she turned and set an identical plant in Felicia’s lap. Madeline looked over at Rosie, pointing between Felicia and Jake before she semi whispered/yelled in her direction “ …Cherry blossoms…” she said before giving a thumbs up. With that Madeline clapped her hands back together and made her way over to Ryan where she took her coat off and set it in the chair next to him. Just as quickly she was back on her knees, crawling around the airplane as she cleaned it from top to bottom during the flight. Her ears started to pop as the plane descended, which resulted in her making her way back to Ryan and sitting down. Madeline picked up the lone cherry blossom plant left, knowing she had every intention of giving it to her parents. Cause really, where else would they be going?

Madeline tightened her fingers around the clay pot so tightly that her fingers had turned a pasty white as she walked through the sliding doors into the hospital. It didn’t take long to find the waiting room that they would all be in. People must have thought Ryan had assembled an army because a few of the nurses were looking at him with a bit of recognition. “ Hi papa,” Madeline said, offering him a smile before she felt him wrap his arms tightly around her. Oh, the hugs. David hugging Madeline, Rosie, Felicia, shaking Ryans hand before giving him a hug. But it’s so strange how often Ryan and her father spoke in hushed tones. Then there was her mother, hugging tightly to Madeline as her father let her go, Rosie, Felicia, Dani, Jake,Dex.. she hugged everyone. And she began offering them all food, instantly. Trying to take care of everyone. She’d already taken care of Joel, hell Madeline could see inside of his window. But when a nurse opened the door her heart stopped, looking through the door as she could see the tube in her brothers mouth, the bandages wrapped all around him, how he seemed to be unknowingly imprisoned in his own body. Just as quickly as the door opened it had shut and Madeline hadn’t even realized she had backed away about fifteen feet. “ Madeline?” her fathers smooth voice reached out to her hesitantly, seeing that she was hesitant about being there. Madeline blinked, snapping back to reality before she forced a gasp and looked at them all apologetically. “ It was my turn to get coffee,” she said out of confusion, since no one had really asked for coffee. “ I’m on it.. don’t you guys worry…” she said, turning with the cherry blossom plant in her arms before she made her way away. ‘Ryan,…’ her fathers voice stated again, pulling Ryan away from the others. Madeline placed her back against the corner she had turned into, not meaning to spy necessarily. But what would her dad tell Ryan that he didn’t think he could tell the others? ’ Ryan, son.. he’s uh.. he’s not waking up,’ he said. Well that was okay,.. he didn’t have to wake up today. But he hadn’t given a timeline. He’s not waking up. What did that mean? Madeline felt her palms start to sweat instantly , almost losing grip of the plant completely before she turned and placed it on the nurses station. “Happy Easter” she said distractedly before she left to go to the gift shop. Not waking up? But that didn’t mean dead. What the hell was going on? Twenty minutes later Madeline made her way back to the waiting room. Jennifer was nagging Rosie to go to the hotel, get some sleep. Dani was staring into Joel’s room but hadn’t taken a step inside yet. “ So..” she said energetically as she came back, placing the brightest smile she could muster on her face. “ I was thinking for dinner we could get Chinese. I mean I’m not hungry, but I thought everyone might like it,” she said placing her hands together before she looked at them all. “ OH! Coffee!” she said before she turned to start to make her way back to the cafeteria.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Once everyone got inside the hospital and met up with Madeline's parents, it was like, they were all there but no one knew exactly what next. Everyone wanted to see Joel, but at the same time, seeing him made it so real. Everyone was greeted warmly by David and Jennifer, Jennifer of course offering whatever food she could to whoever looked hungry. Madeline was still clutching that pot of cherry blossoms. Ryan was at a loss as to what to do for her. Madeline removed herself from the situation anyways, going to get coffee or something. Ryan sighed, looking at David. David told him that Joel wasn't waking up. He shook his head, unable to wrap his head around it. Not waking up? He had too. How much longer was he not going to be awake for? Ryan wanted to ask but Madeline came back and he answered her, "Yeah, I think Chinese sounds good." After Madeline left a second time to get coffee, Ryan turned to David, "How long did they say? Do they know...? Or are we just waiting?" For all Ryan knew, if they were just playing the waiting game, they could be waiting days, or weeks. Even months. Some people were in comas for months, years even. Ryan went and sat down beside his sister. He wanted to go find Madeline, but at the same time she needed to go about this in her own way. He was sure she'd be back soon. Ryan looked at Felicia, who looked like she'd been crying for a day straight. At least at the moment she was somewhat put together, but her eyes were still lined red. Ryan still wasn't sure what Dex was to her but he wasn't going to ask. Not today at least. He was just glad she had someone she trusted that was there when she needed them. Ryan couldn't be there every second. In a way it was reassuring. Ryan put a hand on her shoulder, "Doing okay?" She shook her head, "No. I want to see him... but. I don't know, I feel like Madeline should. Or something." "I know." "Is he really not waking up?" Felicia looked at him, completely put out. It sucked, looking at his little sister, so upset, and Joel in a coma, and Madeline just on the verge of a break down. Ryan knew he was the one they all leaned on. He was the strong one, right? Ryan hugged her seeing that Madeline had come back with as many coffees as she could carry and was handing them out. He felt like he should do something, anything.

Ryan walked over, taking Madeline's hand, leaning over to kiss her hair. She needed to at least go in. Even if that was all she did for right now. He peeked in Joel's room; no nurses, no one. He led her inside, letting the door close behind them. He walked over to the side of the bed, squeezing her hand before letting go. This was her gig now. She was in here, so let hr deal with it how she wanted. To say that Joel looked better was odd, but it was true. At least better than the last time he had seen him. Ryan felt uneasy, he still didn't know what Joel had seen, or what possessed him to run off the bus, into the street... to say that Ryan felt guilty wasn't exactly the right word he just felt like he would never know why this happened. He didn't know what Joel saw out the window, or who. And the idea that Ryan couldn't find an explanation for Joel now in a hospital bed and fighting for his life was incredibly frustrating. He had this internal struggle nagging at him, and he was trying to be strong for the people around him. And yet every time he closed his eyes all her saw was Joel lying lifeless in the street. Tired as he was, Ryan was almost grateful for the lack of sleep he had. Ryan sat down beside Joel, taking his hand, the same one he'd held all the way to the hospital, "Hey man. I told you I'd see you when you got out. Brought back a small army. Sucks though, you wouldn't believe the food in this place. You'd be in the nearest burger joint before you ate anything out of the cafeteria," he laughed softly. Sucked so bad. He'd give his left arm to hear Joel laugh with him again. He glanced at Madeline, giving her a small smiled, pained as it was. He didn't her to feel uncomfortable, this was her brother, the one person she should be totally comfortable with, even now. He hoped she could work it through in her mind.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline stacked the trays of coffee so that she was carrying three, twelve coffees in total, as she made her way back into the waiting room. She started lowering one out to Dani before she stopped, “Oh,..honey.. you’re already so short. Maybe it’s best to skip the coffee,” she said with an affirmative nod before she handed the tall coffee to Jake instead. He was handsome. He could have a coffee. Madeline passed out the rest of the coffees, her father, mother, Felicia, Dex, Rosie, everyone. She ended up holding one cup, holding it out to Ryan as he kissed the side of her hair. “ It’s just cafeteria coffee, nothing special,” she said, smiling up at him as though the kiss had been for her getting him coffee. Madeline placed her hand delicately inside of Ryan’s, wiggling her fingers away from her coffee cup at her parents as he led her towards Joels’ room. She tensed her shoulders, realizing where he was leading her, almost feeling like an animal being led in for slaughter. Madeline jumped slightly at the sound of the door shutting behind them. She avoided looking at Joel. How could she see him like this, with a tube in his mouth, a hospital gown, machines hooked all over him. He was this kid who took over the stage like there wasn’t a single being more powerful than him n the entire world. Now if the power went out he’d be gone for good. Not that he already wasn’t. Madeline looked over her shoulder at everyone that had shown up to be there for them, well.. for Joel. She set her coffee down and went over to the windows, shutting the blinds before she turned back to face Joel’s direction.

Outside the setting wasn’t any better. David walked over to Rosie and Felicia, wrapping his arms around both of them protectively. They were just as much his kids as Madeline and Joel were. Hell, Rosie had been a staple in their family for years now. There had been a time even when he would tell Jennifer that she would make a good match for David. Now he worried about the matches she found herself with. None were good enough for a girl he cared about. And Felicia, she’d brought a boy? He’d seen that before. A boy that was a ‘friend coming at a time of need’. He looked at Dex, wondering how he would measure up to Ryan, if he would fulfill the same amount of comfort to Felicia when she was in distress. He’d never seen anything like that relationship between Ryan and Madeline. It was even more magnificent than the one he shared with Jennifer. They’d spoken about it before. So much went unsaid between Madeline and Ryan, but anyone paying attention could see the love in their eyes and behind their actions. ‘ I love you, girls’ he said hoarsely to each of them. Jennifer had made her way over to Dani and Jake, stroking her hand through Dani’s hair and doing her best to sort of get to know Jake under these circumstances. She could get to know Dex later, he seemed kind, watching over Felicia so protectively. It was so strange to see all of these young kids in love, and she sort of wondered if Joel had ever had anyone in his life that he cared for so much. The closest thing he ever came to it was his fake relationship with Dani, though what he had felt for her was real. He still cared about her, still loved her, just not what people assumed. Jennifer could say goodbye, if she had to. But not if she knew Joel had never experienced love for something besides his career. She looked back towards Joel’s room, noticing that someone had shut the blinds. Her heart sort of ached for Madeline. David died, she was in the middle of a divorce right now- which was needed but was still emotionally draining, and now her little brother was laying in a hospital bed. She’d always tried to find the brighter side of things, look at the silver lining and Jennifer would give anything to know what was going on inside her head right now, or if she had completely broken down.

Madeline was busy straightening inside of the room, moving flowers, fixing pictures that hung against the wall, swiping dust off of the picture frames themselves. She was in the room and hadn’t retreated to rocking in the corner. That was progress. She just needed to acclimate herself a bit before she focused on the reason she was here. At this point it was just an overly long stretched out funeral, right? David had taken his life, he hadn’t had to lie in a hospital bed with man made things keeping him alive. So why were they doing this to themselves? Why were they stretching out the inevitable? Saying goodbye had to come eventually. Stretching it out only made it worse. Madeline took in a deep breath and held it in, focusing on the couch cushions in the room and fluffing the pillows that lay against them. She paused, hearing Ryan speaking and knew immediately by the tone of his voice that it wasn’t directed towards her. Her heart ached again, though this time not for herself or for Joel but for whatever Ryan must be going through. She placed her hand along his shoulders, wondering how much stress was weighing on them before she bent down and kissed the side of his cheek. She had one person to take care of. That’s it. He was all she had now, and if that meant doing whatever it took to make this easier for him then she would. Sure, she might be slightly distracting herself from what was going on by finding herself a new initiative, but he was all that mattered. She could deal with her internal bullshit later. She needed to help Ryan right now. Madeline pushed her hair from her face and stood up straight, moving over to the door. But when she opened it, she was slightly taken back as she saw Patrick had perched himself in the seat next to Rosie. “Patrick…” she said slightly shocked as she froze in the doorway.

Patrick placed his hands on his knees and stood up, walking over to Madeline before he wrapped his arms around her in an embrace. David looked like he was fighting himself to not get up and walk away from Felicia to punch the guys lights out. Jennifer had placed a loving hand on top of his and was smiling cordially towards Patrick. It was polite to show up to your wife’s brothers’ hospital room to show support, especially when you knew it wouldn’t really get you any brownie points. Madeline let her arms hang at the side, sort of shocked at who was hugging her right now before she hesitantly brought her arms up around him and hugged him. If Patrick was here, he had a motive. She may have been in shock and hurt about the situation, but it didn’t mean she was an idiot. ‘ Madeline, I got here as soon as I could. Is there anything… anything at all that I can get for you and your family?’. Madeline blinked, still looking at everyone over Patricks’ shoulder. “ Um….no, Ryan’s pretty much got it covered,” she said, finally trying to work her way away from his embrace. Madeline stepped to the side, pushing her hair over her face. “ Rosie? Can you do me a favor…” she said, tilting her head back towards the room that Joel was in. She went back inside, assuming Rosie would follow her and sat down by Ryan. She didn’t have time to understand why Patrick was here, or even try to attempt to get into whatever mindgames he was trying to play. Let him do what he wanted. She wanted to ask Rosie a favor, but she wanted to make sure Rosie got a chance to see Joel before she asked her to leave. Apparently that was important to everyone. But who would want to see this? Madeline pursed her lips, sitting quietly as she let Rosie take whatever time she needed in order to be able to console Joel and sort of keep herself together. Madeline herself still hadn’t said anything to Joel, and she wasn’t entirely sure she would. There wasn’t anything she could do for him right now. The only person she could help was Ryan. He was the one that was still alive on his own without the help of a Duracell battery.

Madeline ran her hand through her hair again, reaching to take her jacket off before she finally reached to the back of her dress and zipped it up all of the way. She slid out of her high heels and headed into the bathroom where she found an empty basin. She turned the water on and waited for it to warm up. She heard a knock at the door and the mousy voice of someone entering. ‘ Hi, I’m from the lab… the doctors want us to do a blood draw right now to check his levels’ she said, causing Madeline to immediately shut the water off and pick up the basin that she had filled and come out into the room. She didn’t like the way she was looking at Joel. She clearly recognized him, and she almost looked upset. A look of rage flashed over Madeline’s features. This girl had no fucking clue who he was, who the hell was she to be upset? Right, she was a girl that wanted to shove a needle in her brother. Granted, she wasn’t a complete idiot. She knew that doctors wanted lab work, which meant having to have your blood drawn. But seriously, bitch? Right now? Madeline looked at her with a lifted eyebrow, figuring it was best to let Ryan handle it. Cause right now all she wanted to do was throw this hot water in her face. After Ryan spoke to her the girl turned towards the door, having turned a fresh new shade of red. “ Hey!” Madeline called after her. She walked over to Joel’s bed and set the basin down on his nightstand. “ Could you tell the nurse that I need something to clean his nails with” she said, before she pulled all of her hair to the side and sat down on the edge of Joel’s bed. They had cleaned up all of his scrapes and bandaged him together, but his nails.. there was still so much blood under his nails.

Madeline waited for the sound of the door to close behind her before she gently picked up Joels’ hand and placed it in the warm water that she had put a bit of soap in. “ Rosie, I was hoping you could find the nearest mall and pick out a few different outfits for Joel,” she said without looking up, lowering her hands into the basin with Joels’ hands where she rubbed a towel against the dried blood along his cuticles. She took one of her hands out the warm water and dried it off before she wrapped one arm around Rosie in a hug before she left and then tilted her head back as she focused back on cleaning Joel off. She took in a deep breath and sighed now that it was just her and Ryan. “ I don’t want anyone to see him..” she said quietly before she explained further, “ I mean like this,” she said, gesturing with her head to the way he looked. Madeline looked up as the nurse came back in, offering different things to Madeline before she took the small wooden stick from her and then used it to scrape away the dried blood from underneath his fingernails and continued to soak them in the warm water. So she was still cleaning. But at least now it was Joel. Silence filled the room, and she wasn’t sure how long she had been cleaning his nails for, but she started humming, quietly at first until it was audible that she was humming We All Roll Along. She did wonder how everyone else was doing, and knew it wasn’t fair to keep them waiting. But they couldn’t see him. Not yet. Knowing he was hurt was one thing, but hospitals were bad enough. Why put them through seeing him in this light? He was Joel Foster. He was supposed to be unstoppable, untouchable.

Dani shook her foot anxiously as her legs were crossed. After dropping her hands in her lap she looked around at everyone, the waiting room had been closed off. That was probably Logan’s doing. Or Blake’s, seeing as how she was helping with a lot of it so that Logan could focus on his friend instead of on work. No one could do everything all the time. It wasn’t like they had taken away a waiting room from everyone else, the hospital had been nice enough to accommodate and sort of create their own waiting room, not to mention the security staff had sort of bulked up than what it regularly was. Finally she couldn’t sit anymore and she stood up, pacing the floor as she bit onto the edge of her nail. He’d done so much to protect her the last few weeks, months. Hell, him and Lance both had done everything they could to make sure that she and Jake came out looking like saints. Say what you want about Joel. He could be childish, irresponsible, immature. But at the same time, that was the thing. He was a kid. He was also the most dedicated, hardest working, most driven artist she had ever met. And he was the most loyal friend she’d ever had. Loyal and driven, the two words she would describe him in if she had to. Most workaholics came off as assholes, especially when they were so blunt about work coming before anything and everything else. But Joel… he just made it so loveable. How many people could do that? No one. No one else could do that the way Joel did. It was remarkable, really. He could say things that coming from anyone else would be deemed as incredibly rude, but he did it in a way that came off as charming. But out of all of those things,.. the loyalty, the drive he had.. he was great on stage. He had a persona for it. He lit up when he had a microphone in his hands and when he had the spotlight on him he was damn near unstoppable. He put on a show better than anyone she’d ever seen, and the main reason was because it came so natural. As personable as he seemed to his fans, as easy going as he was in his interviews, as loving and charming he came across.. he was also one of the most private men she had known in her entire life. Even some of his closest friends had no idea about his brother. Or were ignorant to the fact that he had tattoos. Honestly how many people were there that he talked about openly with everything? Less than a handful. Hell, you could probably count it on two fingers. A lot of his drive had to do with the fact that when he was on stage, all he wanted was for David to see him, straight from heaven. It was his chance to reach out and connect to him, have just a taste of it. Whenever he was asked in interviews what drove him to succeed he just laughed it off, saying apparently it was the barbers of America. He never talked about it openly. In fact, if someone were to ask about his brother in an interview he’d automatically bring up Ryan. That relationship they could have. The brother relationship between the two of them, that was okay to be open to the public. David was all his. He talked about him a lot more than Madeline did. But not with a lot of people. Madeline didn’t even open up about Ryan to it, Joel had that on lock.

Dani narrowed her eyebrows, coming to a stop in her pacing as she tilted her head and looked out at someone who was peeking around a corner. He was sort of a younger looking guy, wearing ripped up jeans and a gray t-shirt under a layer of flannel. Dani licked her lips, noticing first the way his hat was on backwards, that was sort of disrespectful for a hospital, wasn’t it? But her eyes lowered, scanning the rest of him when she noticed the strap on his shoulder. She froze in place , following the sight of the strap down until she saw what it was connected to. Why would someone need a camera in a hospital? Dani turned slowly, not wanting him to know she had seen him. The last thing she wanted was for him to capture a picture of Joel’s loved ones flipping a shit on him. What would headlines say about that? Make it seem like Joel was worse off than he was and that tensions were high? But Dani didn’t even know how Joel was doing, not yet. She placed her hands in her back pockets, walking back over to their group, which felt more like a family than ever. “ Guys.. that guy has a camera..Don’t all look at once’ she said, bending her leg back before she tapped her foot against the ground. David started to stand up but Patrick held his hand out. ‘ I’ve got this, Mr.Foster’ he said, giving him a small nod of understanding. Patrick sat up, unbuttoning the button to his coat as he made his way away from the waiting room and towards the photographer. He didn’t want it to be a situation with ants at a picnic. Dani watched as Patrick walked over to the guy and sat back down beside Jake. Some people could be so heartless. Patrick took in a deep breath as he approached him. ‘ Hey , why don’t you head out?” he said, stopping as he approached him, sort of surprised that he hadn’t even made an effort to hide the camera. ‘ Come on man, you can’t blame me for doing my job, your voters sure as hell don’t blame you for doing yours’. Patrick ran the back of his finger against his nose. ‘Look, no one wants there to be any complications. I get it. You couldn’t get a real job so you fell back on photographing other people who did make a success of themselves. But the fact of the matter is, you need to get the hell out before I create a whole other slew of problems for you. The people behind me? They’re a family. They’re going to protect each other like it’s the wild, and you’re some type of unwanted piece of shit that’s stepped into their home. Because you are. I’m doing you a favor by coming over here instead of sending one of them, but let it be known.. if you don’t pack your shit up and get the fuck out of here in about five seconds I will make sure I not only take you down, but every person you’ve ever loved, ever been friends with or hell, even ever said hello to. And I’m going to give you an opportunity to earn some sort of respect. Because you’re not going to sell these pictures to anyone, and if you do.. If I see one single picture of anyone in this hospital, I will make it my sole responsibility in life to single handedly destroy you and everything you love. We clear?” he said, offering him a diplomatic smile. Patrick watched him, debating his options for a bit before he turned and headed out of the hospital. He clenched his jaw as he watched him walk away and then gave a small sigh, turning back towards the waiting room where he reclaimed his seat which was now beside Jake since Rosie was no longer sitting there.

[Rose Elliot Madison]

Watching your best friend self destruct was not the easiest thing to do, not when not only that, but her brother, someone who was practically your own brother was in a hospital bed and no one really knew a definitive diagnosis. Was he going to wake up, not wake up, was he going to make it, or not…? It didn’t seem as if anyone could give them an answer. They were just one big room of worried people, jet lagged, hungry, but clearly all had Joel in common. Joel was the staple in all of their lives, the bright spot. Always happy, funny, good to have around. And Rosie knew he wasn’t really her brother, but it sure as hell felt like he was. She realized this when she realized that she would act exactly the same if it were her actual sister in this situation, just as upset, worried… she’d been around when Joel was still practically little, saw him grow up, watched him go for all his music dreams. Sure they joked around all the time about being Joel’s ‘girlfriend’ but in all honesty she definitely loved the kid. It wasn’t fair. He was only just beginning his career, his life. He had so many things ahead of him, so much to prove, so many people to get to. He already had so many fans, and yet his dreams were getting cut short and out on hold. He hadn’t even officially released his album yet. It just wasn’t fair.

Rosie stood up immediately when Madeline asked her to do her a favor, following her in Joel’s room. Rosie took a breath, holding when she saw him, not even hearing the door close behind them. She took a moment to collect herself before heading slowly to his bedside, opposite of Ryan who was just talking to him, so casually. Ryan looked up at her briefly, acknowledging that she was there; Madeline had gone into the bathroom. Rosie was surprised Ryan had gotten her into the room, but not surprised that she hadn’t yet tackled what was in the room, other than cleaning. Rosie looked at Joel, leaning down to kiss his temple, “Oh Joel…” she said softly, looking at him like he was a little kid again, like when he was in middle school. “You know better than to run into the street, Joel…” she looked at Ryan, her eyes welling up with tears, shaking her head, “What could he have been thinking…?” Ryan shrugged, his face blank, “I wish I knew.” Rosie exhaled, wiping her eyes and turned around, yup, gotta stay composed for Madeline. Ryan so calmly asked the nurse if she could possibly come back a little bit later and the nurse left. Rosie watched Madeline while she cleaned beneath Joel’s finger nails, asking to get Joel some clothes. “Sure, of course,” she smiled faintly, hugging Madeline tightly before stepping outside and letting out a breath.

Rosie walked up to David who was talking quietly to Felicia, moving the hair off her face, “Hey, I guess I’m going to go shopping. Madeline thought it might be nice if Joel had some other clothes to wear,” she nodded, as if she had to confirm it for herself. Felicia looked at her raising her eyebrows, “You look like you’re going to fall asleep, are you sure you’re okay going?” “Yeah. I’ll just take a cab. It’s not likely that I could fall asleep anyways…” she shrugged, saying goodbye and headed outside. The second she stepped outside the hospital she was met with flashbulbs and paparazzi, all yelling things at her abut Joel. “How is Joel?” “What’s his diagnosis?” “Is Joel going to make it?” “What does this mean for his unreleased music?” “Rosie! Is it true you look at Joel like your own brother?” Rosie ignored them all, placing her sunglasses on her face, and reached her hands up, just trying to get in the cab without anyone hounding her much more than they were. They were like hawks, it was ridiculous. Rosie asked the cab driver to take her to the nearest shopping center, leaning back in her seat and closing her eyes. The driver watched her in the rear view mirror, nodding. He didn’t say much. As they neared the mall he said, “I can drop you at the less populated side of the mall if you like. Maybe less people around that might pester you,” he said calmly, not taking his eyes off of the road. Rosie opened her eyes, “Oh, thank you…” That was nice. They pulled up to the mall and Rosie paid her fare before she paused, giving him another bill, “You wouldn’t mind waiting would you? It’s just, you-,“ “Of course, not a problem.” She smiled and got out, heading inside. Rosie mostly just picked up anything that looked like Joel, which wasn’t hard, he was a stylish kid. It didn’t take her very long to get a few things for him and pay for them before she headed back out, glad that no one had really recognized her. The cab driver had waited, and took her back to the hospital. The ride seemed like it was going on forever, her eyes so, so heavy, but she knew she wouldn’t find sleep. She called Ethan’s cell instead, knowing he was on set in North Carolina, but it was okay, she could leave a message. She waited while it rang, his voice mail finally picking up and she heard the beep, “Hey, it’s me… Rosie. Um, I know you’re on set, so that’s okay, we can talk later. I was just…” she stopped, letting out a big yawn before continuing, “Sorry. I was at the mall. Probably the first time shopping can’t be considered therapeutic…” she sighed, watching as the buildings of LA whizzed by. “Madeline just thought it would be nice if Joel… had something else to wear, instead of a hospital gown…” she felt her voice catch in her throat, her eyes welling up freshly all over again. For a moment she didn’t say anything, taking a few breaths before she continued, squeezing her eyes shut, “It just isn’t fair. Anyways,” she said, feeling her usually brightness edging its way back, “I don’t know when I’ll be back in New York. But, I’ll just talk to you later I suppose. Maybe later when you’re done shooting for the day? Okay, talk to you later.” She hung up, just in time too because they had gotten back to the hospital. “I know this is a little farther from where you came out, but I think there aren’t any paparazzi over here…” he added. Rosie nodded, paying him again, “Thank you, you’ve been so helpful.” “No problem, take care.” Rosie headed back inside, back to the reality that was so unfair and ruthless. Leaving the hospital had only been a temporary moment of escape.