[Kayla] What about love

[Tyler James Kingsley]

This was actually worse then the time Tyler fell off Scott's roof and got the wind knocked out of him. Tyler actually left his skateboard at the hotel which was so weird, but he literally forgot about it. He wasn't totally sure what he packed in his bag. He'd left in such a rush, who knows what was in there. But he was running into the airport, trying to quickly read which flights were going to the states. Was she on on going to New York? Did she have a lay over in some place like Atlanta? How was he supposed to know? What if he had to check every terminal and he didn't pick the right ones to check first, and he was too late? And what if he was too late and she never talked to him again and she dated someone else and got married and Tyler had to be a monk? And what if she regretted everything about him? What if she regretted ever knowing him? It seemed maybe she regretted ever loving him, so what if this was all a futile effort and he was wasting his time and she hated him forever? At least he would know he had tried. But if that was a consolation prize, he'd rather eat thorns. And it made the bowl of fruit from the hotel seem so fucking dumb he knew he should just throw it away. She was going to think he was pathetic. Well, really he was. A sad excuse for a boyfriend for sure. Probably a friend as well. Quite possibly a person. He wondered, while he was jogging along, panting and about to practically run out of breath, if hid other friends and people really thought he was shitty too. Maybe everyone did. Maybe everyone tolerated him. That was weird. Was he a bad person? Maybe he was! Tyler could feel his body hurting, he was being ridiculous. He needed to calm down enough to figure out what to say. He could not mess this up, he was pretty sure his life depended on it.

How he found her was literally a miracle on earth. Tyler figured like, God was helping him, or maybe Buddha, probably Zeus... he had like, so many wives. He stopped. Stopped running, breathing altogether. Now what? He turned back around, oh my god he was such a fucking idiot. How on earth could he possibly think that she would ever want him ever again? So pathetic. He should definitely just stop torturing everyone involved. But. He stopped again. No. He turned back around. Wasn't this worth fighting for? But it was real scary. Because for the first time, the possibility of this being over was real. And he literally had no back up plan. he was so stupidly in love with this girl that when he pictured his future without her in it, there was nothing. Couldn't have that. And he know she loved him. At least a little bit. Even as a friend maybe. If he was going to fight for anyone, it would be now, because he sure as hell wasn't going to do it for anyone else. He turned back around and walked over. he felt so stupid. He was flush from running, his heart was racing. he sat down across from her, half hoping she never noticed him sitting there. He clasped his hands together because he looked down at them and they were visibly shaking. He sort of felt like he was going throw up a little bit. But he still looked up, trying to have a steady voice but it wasn't going very well, "Kayla..." he started off. He swallowed, "I... really, um. I'm so sorry. About everything. I really messed up... not just tonight, that's clearly, a clear... I regret....what I said. But also, this entire time. Our whole relationship, I really messed everything up. I... was not a good boyfriend. I was a bad one. And I can't even really, I don't have an excuse. I just messed up. I hurt you. I shouldn't have said what I said, and I shouldn't have left, I shouldn't have gone on tour, I just, I did everything wrong." he looked at her, his face of complete helplessness. "I can't remember one thing I did right come to think of it. You... deserve everything. All the stuff I never did. Because you're the best person I will ever know. And I... made you feel inadequate I think, and I feel so torn up that I made you feel like that. I know I'm not a good boyfriend, and I should have done things better. I should have loved you better, or more, I don't know, I wanted so bad for you to be proud to say I was your boyfriend, i wanted to be something so much more than I was so you didn't have to be ashamed of having a boyfriend who was going nowhere and I just... ruined everything. You... are everything to me. I tried to imagine my life without you in it and I can't. I don't know where I'll go after this. But you, I know you're... you have everything going for you. You deserve a guy who takes you out and appreciates you, and makes you feel like a million bucks, I want to be that guy, Kayla. I would be that guy if you ever let me again. I only ever wanted to be with you. Wherever you were, I never cared, and I took that for granted. I should have done so much more, i should have taken you out to dinner, or bought you flowers, or anything, I should have loved you better. I know I'm indecisive about things. I need to change that. I need to change a lot of things about me. But I can't ever change how I feel about you. If... you decide that I'm not what you want, if you decide this can't work, I understand. I won't...bother you. I won't call or text. I won't hang out with your friends. I'll leave you alone, I swear. But I... I'm just sitting here, hoping.... you'll think of all the things you wished I would have done. I could do those things. I can be anything you want." Tyler felt his entire body shaking, remembering to breath every now and then but it was obvious that he was physically upset. He didn't mind. He'd never hid anything from Kayla before, why should be now? "Kayla, I love you. More than I love myself. Because clearly, I am here, as pathetic as can be, why you would want this back, I don't know, and I messed up everything between us. I really was terrible to you. I just want to make it right. Maybe... I don't know what you're thinking. Maybe you hate me. I don't know." he shook his head, "I'm rambling, and I'm still not saying anything." He really did feel pathetic, because he felt like crying and was pretty close to doing so. "At the very least... can we try? I promise I... will be better, I will... I just... I can't make it up to you if you don't let me."

[Mikayla Laurel Garrity]

Kayla yawned as she laid her head back, scrolling through the music on her iPod. Nothing seemed to be worth listening to right now. Plus she smelled like ham, and there was nothing good about that. The person sitting next to her was probably going to regret that seat purchase. This was not how she pictured her trip going. She’d come out here because she wanted Tyler to know what he meant to her. But now she had this feeling he would never understand, or maybe he wasn’t capable. He’d always been the nicest person she’d known. But did that mean he actually knew how to handle his feelings or even understand them?Kayla tapped her thumb against the side of her iPod. And surprisingly..right now. She didn’t feel like her world had come crashing to an end. She didn’t feel like she wanted to lay on a bathroom floor and cry. This is what had happened, and she just needed to figure out a way to grow from it, be a better version of herself. She never had been forced to think of what life would be like without Tyler. But she also didn’t want to think what it would be like to constantly be waiting. It was fair to want to be desired, right? Or it was fair to feel like someone needed you. She felt like she deserved that. And she was young. Hardly anyone met the person that they were going to spend the rest of their lives with at this age. So she would bounce back, put her energy into work and her life would turn out however it was supposed to. But what was frustrating, was seeing all of the relationships around them. The ones that had problems. She and Tyler had been perfect friends. They had literally never fought about anything. And then she slept with him. And it seemed like all they were doing lately was fighting. She could blame the sex, but she probably pushed him. She pushed him into a lot of things. With school, and internships. The relationship was apparently too much to push him with. And maybe he wasn’t able to understand his reluctancy to move forward with her, but it was loud and clear.

Kayla brought her hair to the side of her neck, lazily braiding it into a fishtail braid before she took in a deep breath and sighed. Fairy-tale romances weren’t real. She wanted to go back and slap the stupidity out of her six year old self for believing in it. Kayla looked up when she heard her name, half expecting it to be Max, but he referred to her as Kayla. So there was only one option really. Kayla watched him, not saying anything in form of a greeting, as he started to speak. He sounded unsteady. She looked down at her hands, looking away from him as he spoke. If she watched him or looked in his eyes she would be more willing to cave to what he was saying. Some of it agreed with, some of it she didn’t. “You should have gone on tour,” she said quietly, giving a small shrug of her shoulder. She’d been proud of him for that. “ I resent you saying that you were doing this to make me proud. I could have dated anyone that already had a successful job. I dated you because you used to make me feel like I was special, in our friendship. I resent you saying that you were trying to impress me. Because I would have been proud of you if you were a fry cook. What I loved about you had nothing to do with your job, or where I thought you would be going. I wanted all of those things for you, but somewhere along the line I think you forgot who we were,” she said before licking her lips and taking in a deep breath. “ I push a lot of things on you. And moving in was… stupid.. On my part. Clearly. You move at such a slow pace. With everything. But I thought I was something you would be able to decide on without thought. But I don’t think I’m that girl for you anymore. I think you love me because that’s what you know. I think you’re scared to lose your best friend, more than you’re scared to lose a girlfriend. You’re juggling all of these other things in your life.. and it seems like I’m just constantly…. Waiting. For my turn.”

Kayla looked at the fruit bowl in his hands, biting the edge of her lip as she tried to decide on what he was asking her. “ It’s not entirely your fault. I think it’s probably an extremely hard transition to go from best friends to a relationship,” she said, narrowing her eyebrows slightly as she continued to try and think of how to form her words. “ Do you hear yourself? You just told me you would be anything I wanted you to be,” she said disappointedly. “ All I ever wanted was for you to want this as badly as I did. I didn’t want you to change.” Kayla brought her hand up to the back of her neck. “ I don’t hate you,” she offered, as she finally brought her eyes back up to him. “ I also don’t trust that you love me. Not the way you think you do, anyways…. IF we were to get back together, I don’t think I could pick up where we left things off.” she said before looking away from him again. “But..” she said, hating herself as she knew what she was about to say. “ I’m sure somewhere in the seventeen years that we’ve been best friends, you’ve done something to merit us having a second chance. At… a much slower pace than you can probably possibly imagine. I think that.. what you’re saying is nice to hear. But I don’t know how happy you will be trying to live up to it. I used to think I had our life planned out. And maybe that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t. I just never thought you would be so… apathetic about us. Until you thought I was gone forever. I didn’t even know I meant anything to you. I think it’s just… sort of shown me that the only person I can depend on is myself. So I need to focus on that relationship.. with myself. And trying to be a better person, and better at my job. Because I don’t know that this is what you want. And I can’t let myself get hurt. So if I give us another chance, I can’t be the girl who depends on you,” Kayla put her hands up in the air before bringing her hand to her face and pinching the bridge of her nose. “ You and I… are terrible, terrible at talking.” she said before she placed her hands on her knees and stood up. She paced the aisle in front of him, trying to decide about what to do next. But then she stopped, looking at him as she dropped her hands from her waist and came over to him, moving his arms away from his legs so she could sit in his lap. Maybe if she kissed him she would know. Maybe if she could feel something from him, maybe if she could convince herself that he wanted this, she would know. There was a big difference between an ‘I love you’ kiss, and a ‘Goodbye’ kiss. Kayla placed her hand on the back of his neck, lacing her fingers through the back of his hair as she traced her thumb on the back of his neck. She held her breath for a moment, nervous. Goodbye, or I love you? Kayla took in a slow breath before leaning forward to place her lips against his, pulling him closer to her by the hand on the back of his neck.