Broken Glass [Ryan]

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline pushed some of her hair behind her ear, leaning down to look at the stove. Wasn’t there supposed to be fire? No. This was electric. She blinked..waiting for a moment before she held her hand over the top of it to see if it was warming up or not. Okay. Maybe it was. Madeline took in a deep breath and moved through the kitchen and tried to get all of the supplies together for the pancakes. She’d gotten the recipe from Blake and she was a little nervous about whether or not she was going to successfully pull it off. But yesterday Ryan said he wanted pancakes. So he was getting some damn pancakes. The holidays had been interesting because they’d been their first ones as parents, and the first ones without a brother. But.. she felt like she was finally on the up. She knew what she wanted to do with her life and career, she had meetings in place with Logan, and now she needed to take care of her little family. Hayley was off with Libby and Bentley so she was in good hands and well taken care of. Now.. her husband. After a couple of ‘practice’ pancakes she was calling them she decided it was too quiet. No Hayley. No Ryan yet. Too quiet. She turned on Nirvana, knowing that Ryan had liked them growing up and then made her way back to the stove, attempting to pour some more pancake batter into the skillet in a circle that was aesthetically pleasing instead of a glob. She stood on one foot, tracing her left foot against the back of her right leg as she watched the edges on it starting to bubble up. All she could think about was last night, and how amazing it was to have your husband finally touch you again. She’d been so distant and isolated. But they’d finally been able to feel connected again, which was nice because ever since they had known eachother they’d been connected. And then Joel killed himself and everything felt like it shattered. Slowly and surely she felt like it was safe enough to start picking up the pieces, which meant starting to take care of her husband. Madeline scrunched her nose, using the spatula to try and lift the edges. Were they supposed to stick to the pan so easily? She took in a slow breath and sighed quietly to herself, holding the spatula over the skillet in one hand, as she used the other to pick up the Blake’s nicely written recipe over floral stock paper.



Outfit

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Things lately seemed liked they were getting better. Madeline was crying less, and she wasn't locking herself in a bathroom. That was such a relief to Ryan because he wasn't sure how much longer he could go on like that without having a mental breakdown. Things had been hard for them all. Ryan was just quiet. As if he could be any more quiet than he already was. And with Madeline seemingly feeling a little better these days Ryan thought he would feel a little better too. It was nice to not feel like you couldn't take care of your wife or not know what you could do for her. He'd spent so many days just scrambling when Hayley was crying, and Madeline was in the bathroom crying and Ryan still felt like Joel was on tour somewhere. Ryan had not adapted quickly to fatherhood, and most days he still felt like he wasn't doing it right. And there had been days when Hayley was just screaming and he suspected she just wanted Madeline but Madeline could barely help herself. Fatherhood wasn't natural to him, feeling distant from Madeline wasn't natural to him. There was a while there when she wouldn't let him touch her for fear she might end up pregnant again. But Ryan thought it was safe to assume they both agreed on not having any more children, no matter how he loved Hayley. And he did. It was a weird thing, loving a tiny little thing that consistently screamed at you. He was feeling a lot lost these days. Having Madeline back should've been a turning point, but he still felt off and he couldn't understand it. He'd taking up smoking again, which he thought she had finally picked up on. Ryan rolled over in bed, expecting to see her there but found her missing. For a moment his heart sank. Last night had felt like some sort of normalcy, something so comforting; he worried where she was. Was she crying in the bathroom? Had she gone for a walk? Ryan got up, pulling on a pair of boxers. It was really quiet in the apartment. Hayley was with Libby and Bentley, so that was one less bit of chatter. But Ryan let out a breath when he heard the beginnings of About a Girl. Madeline was in the kitchen when he walked in, up and at ;em for the day... was she cooking? Ryan looked at a nearby plate, making a confused face at what was on it. "... What are those supposed to be?" he asked, realizing it was pancakes after she'd responded. "Ah... okay I can see the resemblance a bit...." he trailed off, leaning down to give her a kiss. He had said yesterday he wanted pancakes, and here she was trying really hard to make them for him. He really didn't want to ruin whatever this was by bringing up his own shitty feelings about things. She looked so happy, happier than she had been in so long. He could hold his tongue to save that happiness she was finding. Ryan went to the living room, the open concept of the apartment feeling a little less cramped these days. More open, airy. Ryan picked up a pack of cigarettes and opened the door to the balcony, stepping out and pulled one out. What a stupid fucking habit, he thought, as he placed it between his lips and lit the end. It was still unusually warm. Ryan exhaled, blowing out a puff of smoke, cigarette dangling lazily between his fingers. Okay it was warm, but not that warm. Putting clothes on could have been smart, so he took another couple of drags before he couldn't stand it anymore and headed back inside. "It does smell really good, legs," he added, for the record. Even if they looked crazy.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline looked over her shoulder when Ryan finally wandered lazily into the kitchen. She could tell he was still tired since it was so clear in his eyes. But none the less she stood on her toes to give him a kiss back as he greeted her. She looked over at the plate that he was inspecting, pointing at it with her spatula. "Those are the practice ones," she said, making a slight face before trying to scrape the other pancake off of the skillet too. Maybe this wasn't her strength. She watched as he stepped outside to go have a cigarette. It was strange how something so unhealthy for you was simultaneously ridiculously sexy. But only when Ryan did it. If you were a fat housewife in some hillbilly Wisconsin county living in a trailer and trying to convince everyone that your son wasn't a murderer while you ate twinkles and ho hos... not as attractive. Man... her and Ryan needed to watch something besides documentaries. But when he came back inside she felt herself relax and a wave of relief came over her. "Do you think you can just microwave pancake batter?" she asked quietly out of curiosity. Momentarily she thought about googling it on her phone before she decided instead to make her way over to Ryan, wrapping her arms around his lower back. " So. I wanted to talk to you." she said, giving him a quick smile. Maybe if she told him her idea of what she wanted to do and what she was going to talk to Logan about, it would get him talking about everything that was going on. Because for as quiet as he was, he needed to talk about this. She knew him better than anyone. "Okay," Madeline said, pushing hair behind her ear before she picked up a plate of the poorly constructed pancakes and set them on the table. "I know that we had that very unpleasant talk with my parents about the inheritance and we had to sign a bunch of papers," she said, picking up the various glasses, orange juice, and bowl of cantaloupe and strawberries she had for herself before she made her way to the kitchen table and sat down. " You and I don't really need that money. I mean obviously we're setting some aside for Hayley" she said, giving him a' you know, obviously', look. Madeline poured some coffee into a mug for him before setting the pot down on a little mat on the table and curled her legs up, looking at him excitedly. "You and I have to take ownership of this." she said, giving him a nod. Not the money. Everything. "We get to decide. We lost control on a lot of decisions and were left to pick up the pieces. But this we get to decide. I choose to not let it distance me from you anymore,"

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan gave the microwave thing some genuine thought but replied, "Pretty sure it exploding is a strong possibility." He actually had no idea, because Ryan had no idea about cooking, but he had this thought every time he microwaved something that it would just blow up. Which could be fucking cool. He even considered blowing something up on purpose like an experiment. Anyways, Madeline had made her way over, wrapping her arms around him, a place they hadn't been in a while. She said she wanted to talk to him and he nodded, taking a seat at the table. Ryan picked absentmindedly at the 'pancakes', tearing off a small piece and ate it. Still tasted like a fucking pancake, so he picked it up and took a bite. Yeah, recalled that pleasant conversation. Ryan still felt numb to the topic. All he was accepting right now was he had signed some things and now they had more money. It was whatever. Whatever Madeline wanted to do with it, he was gonna support it. He was gonna listen to whatever it was, and he knew he'd probably just agree. Ryan dunked his 'pancake' into the coffee she had poured him, nodding at her with thanks, also that he was still listening. Right, Hayley. They should set some aside for her for later. Weird because he sort of missed having her around this morning. Usually he was carrying her around, trying to keep her calm or entertain her. He didn't really know what the hell you should talk to babies about so obviously he just started talking about the theories he was developing about noetic science. How knows, maybe she'll grow up being a fucking genius, and Ryan would tell people it was because he was chatting with his infant about quantum physics while every one else was playing peekaboo with their little monsters. Ryan nodded again, taking his camera from the table where it was had been resting, and snapped a photo of the remaining pancakes. They should put it on the fridge like a report card. She was right, they hadn't had much control in a lot of things happening around them, but they had control over what they did with this money. "Pay for cooking lessons?" he joked quietly, leaning back in his chair. "Alright," he said, letting it roll off his tongue like gravel, "What were your thoughts on it?" He suspected she'd already put thought into this. Ryan picked up the other pancake, rolled it into a tube, dunked it into his coffee cup and took a bite. Actually they were pretty fucking good. "These are actually great," he said between chewing.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline watched as he ate the pancakes in what had to be the laziest fashion she could imagine, but at least he was eating them. She cleared her throat, unconsciously picking at her fruit the same way he was picking at his pancake. “I just think that it makes sense to sort of serve a type of memory for those we have lost, while at the same time using it to be proactive about the future,” she said, looking up to make sure he was still listening. Good. As though she were rewarding him for good behavior, she leaned over and placed some blueberries next to his pancakes. “I went to school and I got that degree and everything and I just think that humanitarianism and philanthropy is the best way for us to piece ourselves back together.” she said, blinking momentarily while she let that sink back in. “We could use music to outreach communities in some of the villages back home in Africa. People around us they… They lost an ability to communicate. And I don’t want other people to take their lives because they feel like they don’t have an outlet. Joel had music but he just.. didn’t … It was too late for him.” she said with finality that felt like a punch to the chest. Madeline immediately leaned closer to him, placing her hands on his forearm. “But it can help some people. Some people need that outlet and they don’t even know it yet, Ryan,” The villagers. You.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan was all ears, not surprised per say at what Madeline was saying, because honestly it was exactly the type of thing she had always talked about doing, but just surprised at how it made him feel. Hopeful maybe. Yeah, it made him a little hopeful. Because at this point, he felt this desperation to keep a tight hold on everyone around them. Ryan had failed with Joel. That's what it felt like. He had made this promise to be there, and somehow he had failed at that. He could at least make an effort to try and not fail other people. And maybe that meant reaching out to people. Had it been too late for Joel? Ryan felt like it was such a definitive thing to say, felt like he'd drop a brick in his stomach. Because he was constantly wondering if he could do more. Present tense, like it wasn't happening, or hadn't happened. Sometimes it felt like Joel would come home from tour and be excited to see Hayley and just be a general jackass that he was. And they'd all be so happy to see him. Ryan always thought music could heal people, but it hadn't helped Joel apparently. It had been so long sing Ryan had even picked up his guitar, or sat at the piano even. But what Madeline was saying felt like hope. He knew he wasn't saying much, which, that might be weird for other people. Ryan suspected people just expected that with him. But he was thinking it over. Maybe they needed to go places and do something, take action. It would be better than being in this apartment. It wouldn't be the first time they'd up and left, needing an out. But this time it could be with purpose. Ryan nodded, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. Maybe he had delayed his own acceptance of things. He wasn't sure if it hadn't hit him yet, or it had and he was so depressed he couldn't feel anything. "I think that's a really good idea. I'm not just saying that because you're you and I'm me, either," he added for clarification. "I don't feel like I did enough, and I could do more. For people." So what, music was healing. Was his band healing anyone? Probably not. He could take his passion for music and share it in a more constructive way.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Ryan was being Ryan. Which meant he was being quiet; but she couldn't say that he was being "quiet" because for him it wasn't being quiet, it was just being himself. Get it? Good. She watched him, carefully searching for something within his eyes as he seemed to be pondering a lot of different scenarios. Getting up and leaving didn't mean just them anymore. It meant Hayley, too. Tiny little precious, innocent, easily infectable, Hayley. But when he took h her hand with a squeeze and cemented the fact that he too thought it was a good idea, her eyebrows shot straight up before a smile instantly spread across her lips. "Really?" she questioned apprehensively but found herself gravitating closer to him out of habit anyway. There was a part of her that cringed when he thought he hadn't done enough, because honestly she felt that way about David and then with Joel. But the battles they lost were not due to lack of love and care on others part. They lost the battle within themselves. Madeline brought her hand up to the side of Ryan's face, " You have always done enough," she said genuinely. "Ryan, I know exactly what you are going through. Every conversation, every promise, every word said between you and Joel... Happened to me, too" she said, looking at him earnestly. They needed each other for this, there was no doubt about it. There would be no surviving this without one another. "When you love, you love with everything you have. There was nothing more you could have done. You need to stop torturing yourself with 'what ifs'. You know Joel. You know when he made a decision there was no talking him out of it. Who you are as a person..." she said, giving a slight shake of her head. "You gave me life. You allow me to breathe. You do everything. You can't save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. So what you're not... you're not a failed hero. You aren't someone who was given this task and then didn't succeed." she said, moving to sit in his lap. " You and I.. we're in this together. For life. If you hurt, I hurt. But one thing I refuse to do is let you believe that you're someone you're not. Because I know exactly who you are. And someday.. you're going to remember who he is and see him in the mirror, too." she said, leaning down to rest against his chest.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan was hearing what she was saying, and he knew she was right. He KNEW she was right, because he remembered telling her the same things once upon a time. But it didn't make him any less upset about it. In a way he got it now, he understood how it felt, how Joel had been feeling. But Ryan still felt frustrated. Oh the things Ryan would say to Joel if he had the chance. "Everything sucks," he offered, his arm finding its way to rest around her as she laid against his chest. Joel was gone, Ryan felt like shit all the time, him and Madeline had about half of a relationship for months, and to make it worse, it had happened at the worst possible time, a time that was supposed to have been one of the happiest times of their lives. Hayley's first few months had been such a shit show and she didn't deserve that. Ryan made a mental note to love her just a little bit extra when he next got his hands on that little person. Even if he was not that great at the whole parenting thing, he could still offer her what he had. He could make her life from now forward so much better than it had been so far, because so far it had been the farthest thing from new baby bliss. "Thanks," he said quietly, for the pep talk. And coming back from where she'd been. "How do we go about doing this thing," he asked. Ryan could handle sharing music with others, but all the other stuff wasn't his strong suit.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline felt Ryan’s heart beating, or atleast it felt like she felt it, as she laid her head against his chest. This had to be her favorite sound in the world. They weren’t back to normal and maybe they wouldn’t ever be again. But that didn’t mean they wouldn’t find their way back to each other, and right here in his arms. He said thanks and all she did was offer a small nod, “I love you,” she said quietly, wanting to just stay in his lap and arms forever, surrounded by the large span of space he took up simply from his height. He asked how they go about doing it and she sat up, keeping her hand on the back of his neck as she spoke to him. “I have a meeting set up with Logan where I want to pitch the idea to him. If he decides to sponsor it then that will help fundraise it as well, along with the trust fund. Because we’re going into these areas we can’t just expect that they’re going to think oh… music… I’ll give that a shot. So we would need to find a team that could look at the demographics and logistics, find which areas are in the need of the most help but that are also geographically appropriate for people to travel to. After that we would bring in resources that help other areas of their life ; for instance, help with clean water, clothes, food, you name it. Once we get their fundamental needs taken care of through Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs we start talking to them and interacting with them. You can help with the music because once you find out what their issues and struggles are, and how their taste in music is, you can start to teach them how to use it as a vessel for their feelings,” she said, giving a quick smile. “Easy as that….”

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Having a moment like this was few and far between now, because it wasn't as if they could just give Hayley to whatever family member wanted her for the day every time they felt like being together alone. but It was nice, for a moment, to sit here holding Madeline, without distraction. "I love you," he had replied so easily, not that it had ever wavered. Madeline really had it all figured out, which made sense because she'd gotten a degree and Ryan was proud to see her using it. Ryan also thought it was really good that she was meeting with Logan to pitch it to him. Ryan had a feeling Logan would say yes, not because it was Madeline, but because it was a well thought out plan and it tied in with the label. It would still be amazing though for Madeline to do this on her own and feel like it was something that wasn't just handed to her. "Easy as that," he smiled, knowing it was more thought than he could have put into it. "It sounds like a very promising plan." This was nice, talking about something constructive. "I wonder what Hayley is doing," he thought out loud, as if she were an adult who had a life beyond pooping, eating, and sleeping. "I keep thinking..." he started, still deciding if he even wanted to finish his sentence, "that I wish Joel could have seen her. Even just once." They had sort of skipped through the happy first few weeks when you have a baby and wanted to introduce her to everyone. And now Ryan was stuck thinking about how she'd never know Joel.