Post by shaymiller on Oct 3, 2023 14:28:33 GMT -5
Slow inhale. Start at your toes, and work your way up your body. Really feel everything. That's what Shay's therapist was constantly telling her whenever she felt like she was about to have a panic attack. But fuck that shit. Shay's eyes shot open before they rolled quickly, a trick that her teenager had learned quite too early in his short few years. The music pounding from his room felt dulled in the same way that the world had suddenly started feeling dull as soon as the doctor had stepped back into their waiting room. "We need to discuss options here," he had started. A punch to the gut, a knife to the heart, ice in her veins. Pick any meaningless metaphor you wanted to, it all came to the same result. Her son was going to die if he didn't get the help he needed. Colors lost their bright hue, the flowers sitting in the neglected and dirty vase had lost any of its smell. Yet, the world surrounding them had the nerve to continue on. Didn't they know that it was over? That she was going to have to sit and watch her son slowly lose the light that he had brought into her world. She had money, yes. Shay had been fortunate enough to put herself through law school with some newly acquired 'hush money' from Chase's grandfather. "My son can't be ....entangled.. with you and your situation, right now. You'll understand when your child is older."he had said to her, sending her out of their home, her shame swelling as much as the stomach she had been breathing life into.
A commercial cut through the lifelessness that she felt as she moved through their loft. The silence was cut from Blake Renner being shown at a football game, pundits going wild over various different ways to to spin her name into the headlines. Apparently she and her husband had newly acquired a football team. That, to Shay, was Bill Gates money. "Maybe.. maybe dad could help?" the memory of Chase's voice questioning her a month ago, swirled in amongst the smell of her cinnamon rolls, causing her to be sick at the sticky sweet scent mixing with the nauseating reality that none of it at all may matter. The hummed music became clear, followed by the slamming of a door. Chase was at least moving through the house. Shay had told him that they needed to leave in a half hour, knowing that if she had given him any longer he would have procrastinated to no end. The moment he had asked about his father, Shay knew that she needed to swallow her pride. Regardless of whether or not Chase's grandfather sought legal action against her, she would need to face whatever ramifications that followed and find his father. Even if it meant ruining her name, as people would understandably have suspicions and doubts about her reasoning for coming forward now, thirteen years later. But in all honesty, Chase had asked. She would strip herself of all of her accolades, respect, literally anything if it meant giving him a moment of peace and comfort. Up until now, he had never asked about his father. They had been able to be a tight unit. "MOM!" he finally yelled out, and Shay looked up quickly, slicing her finger open with the knife she was using to cut out a cinnamon roll for him. "Oh." she said, looking down at the blood and setting the knife down on the counter. "Jesus Christ mom, what are you.. catatonic? I was yelling your name," Chase said, taking his moms hand and holding a towel over her finger, "You need to like... chill out. You're not the one dying." he said, trying to jest, yet the words sliced through her, throbbing her heart much worse than her hand. She held her breath, realizing for the moment if she held onto it, maybe time wouldn't pass. They could stay here in this moment. She flashed a smile and gave a shake of her head,""Sorry.. I was...just.. anyway, Are you ready? I figured you could eat on the go," she said, using her free hand to place a cinnamon roll in a napkin and offer it to him, taking over the towel on her hand before going to get a bandage.
The leaves had started to change color already. It felt early this season, or perhaps Shay just still felt stuck in her own time loop. Having a teenager was already laden with sarcasm, lethargy, and attitude. Having a teenager who was facing the idiocy of life and coping with the fragility of it, was another level of emotionally exhausting. She wanted every moment to be full of life for him, while it was sucking the life out of her own body. In the same sense that she had been trying to take care of Chase, the unfair responsibility of taking care of her had fallen on him as well. If he didn't take it upon himself to force the hot chocolate into her hands in this exact moment, she would not have even realized that she was chattering. Her teeth colliding against one another in the same rhythm that her nerves felt to be buzzing about in her body. " What are we doing anyway? he asked, taking a drink from his own cup. Shay took in a breath, letting the hot cocoa warm both her fingertips, and the fragrance float upward, almost grounding her. "Well.. there's someone that I would like you to meet," she said, clearing her throat in an attempt to quell the nauseating feeling that rose in the back of her throat. "Wait... someone. Are you serious? My dad has been in New York this whole fucking time, mom? Are you fuc-.." he stopped, taking in a breath himself. Be angry. Stop controlling it. She wanted him to be angry, to scream. Angry was alive. It was loud. It stopped the silence, it flooded the guilt that she knew she deserved.
About thirty blocks of silence later, she attempted to call the secretary one more time. "Seriously lady... this has gone on far too long. From a professional standpoint, expect to hear from our lawyers. From a woman standpoint, ... get your shit together girly. No one likes desperate in 2023. And, "baby daddy" drama just isn't the way to get clicks anymore. No one cares." Shay groaned in frustration as the line went dead, the tone deafening against her plea for the secretary to wait and not to hang up. She put her phone in her pocket, looking up at the buildings doors and felt it all over again. She was back on his front steps, being told that she meant honestly as much as the trash in the bin that would later be collected. She was just another problem that needed to be solved. A situation that money could get rid of. Is that how all of them operated? Shay had seen numerous things in his life that should have caused problems just disappear. "What, is he the janitor here?" Chase said, shoving his hands in his front pockets before he let out a breath. "Ready?" Shay asked, looking over at him, the shape of his face twisting into a memory from 13 years ago. His features hauntingly ripped directly from his father's profile, his mannerisms a tribute. "....Obviously," he said, rolling his eyes at her before he went to the door, swinging it open, " Ohhh Daddy!" he yelled out, dripping his words with venom and hatred that she knew was directed toward her, and not at his father.
The humming rhythm enveloped Shay again as she walked to the building, taking the elevator to his floor. The passing looks, double glances, whispers, murmurs, "holy shit, did you see that kid?, it all ebbed and throbbed in a dull roar against her ears as she focused on her breathing again. Breathe in, breathe out. Push the anger down. But it was there, shooting up to her eyes as her expression turned cold when the elevator doors opened. Just like that the dull roar turned on its head and the anger she had been forcing down brought everything to a heightened sense. The heels clicking on the floor acted as background to the laughter coming from behind the secretary's desk. When she looked up and saw Shay, her joyful expression turned to absolute disgust, "Oh my god, how desp-" she had started but then stopped, looking at Chase. Her jaw fell, it's slow opening unmatched by the speed of her eyes darting back and forth between Shay and Chase. "You're going to want to get your boss," Shay said, her jaw setting into stone as she took in another breath, reminding herself to keep her breathing smooth, steady. The secretary fell over her feet to the side, going to her desk phone and pushing several buttons. A loud click, registering that the door was unlocked. ".....Go on in." she said. Shay stood up straight, "Thank you," she said, tightening her grip over the leather strap of her thirteen year old Coach, she liked to consider it a classic. In reality, it was probably more neglected. She gripped the back of Chase's arm, directing him toward the office.
Chase ran his hand through the top of his hair, stopping when he reached the back of his head to squeeze his fingertips against his roots and rub his hand back and forth, dropping his hand back down with a puff of his cheeks. The computer screen lowered at the desk, with the authority of someone who was not quite used to his office door being opened on a whim. Shay was standing at the door still, not having entered too far into the office. She felt safer here, at the edge of the door. One foot in his world, one foot hopefully able to escape back to hers. "..Holy fucking shit..." her son said, Shay felt her nostrils flare just slightly as she looked at his father, locking eye contact. "THAT guy is my fucking dad? You have GOT to be kidding me...." Chase said, his annoyance striking his tongue with the same vigor that he had spoken earlier. Shay let out a breath, finally feeling like everything she had been trying to hold up for the last thirteen years, had finally come collapsing down.
A commercial cut through the lifelessness that she felt as she moved through their loft. The silence was cut from Blake Renner being shown at a football game, pundits going wild over various different ways to to spin her name into the headlines. Apparently she and her husband had newly acquired a football team. That, to Shay, was Bill Gates money. "Maybe.. maybe dad could help?" the memory of Chase's voice questioning her a month ago, swirled in amongst the smell of her cinnamon rolls, causing her to be sick at the sticky sweet scent mixing with the nauseating reality that none of it at all may matter. The hummed music became clear, followed by the slamming of a door. Chase was at least moving through the house. Shay had told him that they needed to leave in a half hour, knowing that if she had given him any longer he would have procrastinated to no end. The moment he had asked about his father, Shay knew that she needed to swallow her pride. Regardless of whether or not Chase's grandfather sought legal action against her, she would need to face whatever ramifications that followed and find his father. Even if it meant ruining her name, as people would understandably have suspicions and doubts about her reasoning for coming forward now, thirteen years later. But in all honesty, Chase had asked. She would strip herself of all of her accolades, respect, literally anything if it meant giving him a moment of peace and comfort. Up until now, he had never asked about his father. They had been able to be a tight unit. "MOM!" he finally yelled out, and Shay looked up quickly, slicing her finger open with the knife she was using to cut out a cinnamon roll for him. "Oh." she said, looking down at the blood and setting the knife down on the counter. "Jesus Christ mom, what are you.. catatonic? I was yelling your name," Chase said, taking his moms hand and holding a towel over her finger, "You need to like... chill out. You're not the one dying." he said, trying to jest, yet the words sliced through her, throbbing her heart much worse than her hand. She held her breath, realizing for the moment if she held onto it, maybe time wouldn't pass. They could stay here in this moment. She flashed a smile and gave a shake of her head,""Sorry.. I was...just.. anyway, Are you ready? I figured you could eat on the go," she said, using her free hand to place a cinnamon roll in a napkin and offer it to him, taking over the towel on her hand before going to get a bandage.
The leaves had started to change color already. It felt early this season, or perhaps Shay just still felt stuck in her own time loop. Having a teenager was already laden with sarcasm, lethargy, and attitude. Having a teenager who was facing the idiocy of life and coping with the fragility of it, was another level of emotionally exhausting. She wanted every moment to be full of life for him, while it was sucking the life out of her own body. In the same sense that she had been trying to take care of Chase, the unfair responsibility of taking care of her had fallen on him as well. If he didn't take it upon himself to force the hot chocolate into her hands in this exact moment, she would not have even realized that she was chattering. Her teeth colliding against one another in the same rhythm that her nerves felt to be buzzing about in her body. " What are we doing anyway? he asked, taking a drink from his own cup. Shay took in a breath, letting the hot cocoa warm both her fingertips, and the fragrance float upward, almost grounding her. "Well.. there's someone that I would like you to meet," she said, clearing her throat in an attempt to quell the nauseating feeling that rose in the back of her throat. "Wait... someone. Are you serious? My dad has been in New York this whole fucking time, mom? Are you fuc-.." he stopped, taking in a breath himself. Be angry. Stop controlling it. She wanted him to be angry, to scream. Angry was alive. It was loud. It stopped the silence, it flooded the guilt that she knew she deserved.
About thirty blocks of silence later, she attempted to call the secretary one more time. "Seriously lady... this has gone on far too long. From a professional standpoint, expect to hear from our lawyers. From a woman standpoint, ... get your shit together girly. No one likes desperate in 2023. And, "baby daddy" drama just isn't the way to get clicks anymore. No one cares." Shay groaned in frustration as the line went dead, the tone deafening against her plea for the secretary to wait and not to hang up. She put her phone in her pocket, looking up at the buildings doors and felt it all over again. She was back on his front steps, being told that she meant honestly as much as the trash in the bin that would later be collected. She was just another problem that needed to be solved. A situation that money could get rid of. Is that how all of them operated? Shay had seen numerous things in his life that should have caused problems just disappear. "What, is he the janitor here?" Chase said, shoving his hands in his front pockets before he let out a breath. "Ready?" Shay asked, looking over at him, the shape of his face twisting into a memory from 13 years ago. His features hauntingly ripped directly from his father's profile, his mannerisms a tribute. "....Obviously," he said, rolling his eyes at her before he went to the door, swinging it open, " Ohhh Daddy!" he yelled out, dripping his words with venom and hatred that she knew was directed toward her, and not at his father.
The humming rhythm enveloped Shay again as she walked to the building, taking the elevator to his floor. The passing looks, double glances, whispers, murmurs, "holy shit, did you see that kid?, it all ebbed and throbbed in a dull roar against her ears as she focused on her breathing again. Breathe in, breathe out. Push the anger down. But it was there, shooting up to her eyes as her expression turned cold when the elevator doors opened. Just like that the dull roar turned on its head and the anger she had been forcing down brought everything to a heightened sense. The heels clicking on the floor acted as background to the laughter coming from behind the secretary's desk. When she looked up and saw Shay, her joyful expression turned to absolute disgust, "Oh my god, how desp-" she had started but then stopped, looking at Chase. Her jaw fell, it's slow opening unmatched by the speed of her eyes darting back and forth between Shay and Chase. "You're going to want to get your boss," Shay said, her jaw setting into stone as she took in another breath, reminding herself to keep her breathing smooth, steady. The secretary fell over her feet to the side, going to her desk phone and pushing several buttons. A loud click, registering that the door was unlocked. ".....Go on in." she said. Shay stood up straight, "Thank you," she said, tightening her grip over the leather strap of her thirteen year old Coach, she liked to consider it a classic. In reality, it was probably more neglected. She gripped the back of Chase's arm, directing him toward the office.
Chase ran his hand through the top of his hair, stopping when he reached the back of his head to squeeze his fingertips against his roots and rub his hand back and forth, dropping his hand back down with a puff of his cheeks. The computer screen lowered at the desk, with the authority of someone who was not quite used to his office door being opened on a whim. Shay was standing at the door still, not having entered too far into the office. She felt safer here, at the edge of the door. One foot in his world, one foot hopefully able to escape back to hers. "..Holy fucking shit..." her son said, Shay felt her nostrils flare just slightly as she looked at his father, locking eye contact. "THAT guy is my fucking dad? You have GOT to be kidding me...." Chase said, his annoyance striking his tongue with the same vigor that he had spoken earlier. Shay let out a breath, finally feeling like everything she had been trying to hold up for the last thirteen years, had finally come collapsing down.
