[Madeline]I love half to death but shes killing me

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan made the walk from his place to Madeline's. Though it was on the same street, Ryan had lost track of how many blocks it was. Not too many, but taking a cab wouldn't be out of the question if you were walking back from a long day. Or you were drunk. Or you had a broken leg. Ryan was a little sad not to be driving his old bronco around but that thing was not built for the city, that was for sure. He couldn't wait to take that thing out and drive it on an open road. But it'd have to wait. Right now it was in a parking garage for his building. In the mean time, Ryan was liking all the walking, although he knew he'd been recognized by some fans earlier and luckily they hadn't bugged him about signing stuff. Their show was in four hours, so he didn't really have much time for hanging out, but just enough time to have a conversation with the one person that was worth making time for. As he approached her building her went inside, taking an elevator and made it to her door that she shared with Patrick and behind the door was everything else that she shared with Patrick. The thought itself was enough to make him sick, he wondered if they'd slept together. Probably.

He knocked on the door, and then leaned his back against the wall, waiting. He'd been dying to see her, even under the circumstances. He knew she'd owned up to her mistake and he also knew that however wrong the reason, she's felt hurt. He was upset that he'd been the cause of it even though it wasn't true. But all the same he just wanted to be back with her, make her smile. He didn't know if he'd even get a smile today.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline bit the inside of her cheek as she looked down at her phone nervously. Ryan was coming over, to a home she shared with her husband. It seemed odd that she was nervous about seeing the man that she was in love with, but under the circumstances it certainly made sense. She’d put on a pair of blue jeans and a red t-shirt,not sure of how she was supposed to look for him anymore. Madeline used to spend hours trying to look perfect for him, wearing the tightest possible dresses she could. But being married she couldn’t really do that anymore.But jeans and a red t-shirt,atleast he’d be able to know that she was trying to look…something…for him.Madeline looked up as she heard the knock against the door and felt her heart begin to accelerate inside of her chest.There were so many possibilities.What if Patrick forgot something and came home; he’d already taken his anger out about Ryan on her before. Lord only knew how he’d feel if he actually saw Ryan in their home without him present. Plus he’d had a few drinks the night before and continued the behavior she’d never would have expected from him, not to mention the few drinks she saw him throw back before he left for the airport.

Madeline sat up and went to answer the door, holding her breath nervously for the first few seconds until it was finally open. “Ryan..” she said, unable to find herself really being able to say anything else. He looked so perfect leaning against the wall, and she hated that she had let a misunderstanding put so much between them. She loved him, he had to know that. It had taken weeks, and a rape, to even get Madeline to cry about her own brother taking his life, so it wasn’t something she did often. But seeing Ryan standing there, and knowing what she had given up, she felt the tears forms instantly in her eyes before they began to sporadically fall over her cheeks, causing a catch in her throat. Madeline stepped away from the inside of the door and wrapped her arms around Ryan instantly. She wasn’t sure how he would react to her touching him, but she needed to feel the touch of his skin, to see if it was the same. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders tightly as she buried her face into the side of his neck. All of the pain from missing him, what she had given up, who she had married, how he treated her, what that made her feel like – which was less than human and like she held no importance or value at all, came tumbling down as she clung against him tightly. She didn’t want to let go of him so instead she wiped her eyes against her right hand which had been wrapped around his shoulders enough to reach her eyes. Madeline winced as she pressed her body closer to his in the hug, feeling the sting against her fresh ‘ drink number six’ bruise on her side that burned and ached whenever anything came into contact with it. Madeline dropped her hand to her side, but smiled as she looked up at Ryan. “Come inside’ she said, finally stepping back before she went into the home, pulling Ryans arm for him to follow her.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan waited nervously. He knew her husband wasn't here but it was still weird to think the stuff inside this home was his stuff, including Madeline. No. Ryan didn't care what ring was on her finger, she was Ryan's, always would be. At first he was surprised when she opened the door and broke down in tears, hugging him but more like collapsing into him. But as fast as the surprise came, it left. There was nothing weird or abnormal about Madeline Foster getting hurt, sad, broken hearted, used, or falling to pieces and there was absolutely nothing strange about Ryan O'Neil coming to her rescue to hold her together and make her feel better about whatever it was that wasn't right in her world. He'd held her when her brother committed suicide, and he'd held her all the way to Africa for the funeral. He'd punched a guy out for touching her the wrong way and held her hand when she made the decision to have an abortion because of it. And every time they fought or got in a rough spot in their relationship, he took her back without question, telling her everything was fine and would always would be. And he whole heartedly believed it himself. Because the second she wrapped her arms around him, he found himself wrapping his "long lanky arms" around her just as tightly. Sure Madeline acted rashly. She made stupid decisions. She made him want to pull his hair out. But he knew that when he signed up. He knew what he was getting himself into before they got involved romantically. Because all the times he'd come to her aide and held together the pieces that were Madeline Foster was back when they were honestly just friends. What was surprising was the amount of time it took them to finally get on the same page.

Ryan followed her inside, taking a deep breath. He wanted to be with her. So badly it hurt. But she had a damn husband and it complicated things. "Look Madeline, I know things aren't exactly ideal right now, and I don't know where you stand on everything, but I don't hate you. I was not kidding around when I said that I loved you and I still do. So that's where I stand. In love with someone who's married. Wanna come to my show tonight?" He had nothing else to add really. In his eyes things were very simple. He loved her, he told her. She knew how he felt. She was married, that was her deal. She had to figure out what to do about that. Even if she stayed married until they got all her paperwork right so she wouldn't be an illegal alien. That was understandable, just so long as she came back to him. That was all he wanted. That, and for her to come to the show tonight.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline walked awkwardly back into the apartment that she had shared with her husband since they moved to New York a few weeks ago. It was strange to think that she had ‘started a life’ with someone, when she was so clearly in love with someone else. When she’d chosen this neighborhood, Patrick had begged her to pick a different place, somewhere more expensive, more exclusive. But she knew when Ryan moved to New York, this was the type of neighborhood he would move into. Even if she would hardly see him, at least they still shared something in common. She needed a common link between her and Ryan. When Patrick had asked her to marry him it had been quick, and a lack of thought at least on her end. He needed a pretty wife to bring to banquets and events, she needed citizenship. She’d been hurt by what she had thought Ryan had done, and knew at that moment that if she wasn’t spending her life with Ryan, then it honestly didn’t matter who she spent it with. But Ryan hadn’t cheated, and now she was no longer in the marriage because of citizenship. She had started the process to become her own citizen about a week ago, something she hadn’t informed Patrick of, especially when he was drinking. There were now things she was more scared of than being deported. Madeline turned to face Ryan, wanting so badly to just be in his arms again,to turn back the time to the pool party before Blake and Logan’s wedding.

Madeline held her breath as Ryan spoke, feeling a wave of relief as Ryan said that he didn’t hate her. That there was more than she could have ever asked for. But she was sort of surprised when he said that he loved her still. Normally Ryan was so go with the flow that she had expected him to say something along the lines of ‘Congratulations’. But now that the relief that he didn’t hate her was gone, she found herself just feeling more and more guilty about the situation knowing that he still cared about her, knowing that meant she must have hurt him terribly. She smiled slowly as he asked if she wanted to come to his show tonight. She hadn’t spoken yet, saying where she stood on everything, instead she was trying to think of how she could work out going to a show and keeping it hidden from Patrick, especially when he would undoubtedly call when he landed in California. Madeline looked over Ryan for a minute before she turned and went upstairs. Going through her closet quickly she picked out the closest dress and heels that she could find.

After pulling them on quickly she added hairspray to her hair, curling the ends with her finger as she made her way back downstairs. It was probably the quickest she had ever gotten ready to goanywhere with Ryan, even if she would have only needed to change into shorts and a t-shirt. She didn’t even know if they needed to leave right then, but she just wanted to be anywhere ,wherever he was. “ I know this isn’t fair of me to say to you..”she started off, finally standing back in front of him. How was it possible for him to look that good, all the time. “ Of course I am in love with you. I don’t know how not to be. Loving you is just a part of who I am now. When ..he asked me to marry him,I was so confused. I needed citizenship, he seemed nice enough.. I couldn’t have you, so it didn’t matter who I had…” Madeline took in a deep breath and sighed. Ryan had always cleaned up just about every mess she found herself in; but this was the first one she had created herself. “ There isn’t a moment in the day where I don’t think about you. Literally everything reminds me of you, somehow”. Madeline moved her bangs from her eyes as she moved in closer to him, whispering quietly, ‘ I thought I told you..”. She shook her head back and forth slowly. “ You’re the only person I am capable of loving,”.It was hard being this close to him, seeing how good he looked and not being able to do anything about it. Madeline looked down at his hands, wanting so badly to have them on her, hugging her , in her hair, it didn’t matter. “ I don’t want to be married to him,” she said flatly, her eyes scanning back over his chest. She loved his tattoos, so much more than she had ever imagined she would. Patrick already hated that she had a star tattoo behind her ear, but looking at Ryans chest, she knew that there was one more she needed to get. “ You’re in love with a married woman, and I am a married woman in love with the only man I’ve ever had real feelings for, and he’s not my husband. There has to be a way for this to work out. All that’s ever mattered to me is that I love you. I was wrong, and acted impulsively. But you know I’m yours, every irritating part of me. ”. Madeline fought everything inside of her to pull herself closer to him.

“ Every morning I wake up to look at the sunrise, but I don’t do it anymore because of how much I love them. I do it because I’m praying that maybe you’re looking at it too, and that we’re somehow sharing something together. I was a complete idiot, and I know that. You’re the..most amazing person I’ve ever gotten to know in my life. You do more to me with just a smile or by looking into my eyes than any other guy has done with anything else. I know I drive you insane, trying to find a bright side in everything, but the situation that we’re in is a product of my hurt, jealously, and misunderstanding. But.. losing you is the only thing I can’t find a silver lining for. You walk out that door, and you’re taking my heart with you. Because I’ll love you until the day I die, and every day that I don’t have you I’m dying more and more inside anyways. We have to find a way to make it through this. This much love can’t go to waste,and you know I would love to come to your show. I'd follow you anywhere. I cam to New York, didn't I?”

Dress

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan was a man of little words. It was the reason he and Riley were such good friends, Riley balancing out Ryan's silence with his abundance of conversation topics and everlasting opinions. And it was the reason he and Madeline could work through virtually anything. Because Ryan said what he felt, he was blunt and honest, and Madeline followed up with everything Ryan was feeling without him having to say it too. Madeline knew he felt all those things the same way she did. He could tell she hated her situation, and so did Ryan. In the meantime, Ryan just wanted to take her out. Get her out of this home that neither of them wanted to acknowledge existed. Just pretend for a day or two that things were normal and not at all complicated between them. Ryan just smiled, placing his hands gently on her shoulders and leaned down to kiss her forehead, raising his eyebrows, "Okay let's get out of here." Ryan had plans to get back to his place to change and then head down to the venue where they were playing that night. When they got outside he quickly hailed a cab, made easy by his height, figuring it was one thing for him to avoid fans, but the two of them avoiding fans was hard to do when they both towered over the side walk. Not to mention it was public that she'd married a congressman or whatever so people would see them together and surely make things difficult. Yeah, taking a cab was probably the best idea. Ryan open the door for Madeline and slid in after her, telling the cabbie where to go and then sat back.

After they got to his place he kicked off his shoes in the corner by some boxes and looked for his duffel bag for some fresh clothes. Literally that only thing he'd unpacked this morning upon arriving in the city in his new apartment was his photography stuff, having had a shit ton of film that needed developing, hence how his bathroom was made into a dark room first thing that morning and his counter was covered in a laptop, two digital cameras and various other things like memory cards and stuff. He hadn't expected to get back into photography but being on the road was lonely when Madeline was pissed at him and kind of boring and since his grandpa had sent him his old camera he just got into the habit of taking pictures of whatever he could find in whatever city they happened to be in. He had black and white film drying in his bathroom as they stood there, and he was itching to go buy a film enlarger but it'd have to wait until tomorrow morning. After deciding the jeans he was wearing were fine, he pulled his shirt off and continued looking through his bag for a different one. "It'd be nice if I had time to unpack but I'll probably have to do it when tours over..." he mumbled while he tossed clothes on the floor. It was funny because, now that they were at his place, it just felt normal rather then being at her's and Patrick's place.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline couldn’t help but close her eyes as Ryan kissed her forehead so effortlessly. She knew a lot of girls hated how guys did that, since it made them feel like children. If anything, it only made her feel protected, like Ryan would protect her through anything no matter what. All she wanted was to take a walk with him to his place, just hold his hand and lean into his side as they strolled along the streets to his apartment. But she knew that he was right, waving down a cab would be the best decision for all things considered. Madeline sat quietly in the cab, watching out at the streets of New York for a few moments before she reached out, placing her hand inside the safety Ryan’s own. What was happening between them was tricky, complicated, unfair, her own fault. When the cab stopped she got out, looking over her shoulder to make sure that no one saw her. It didn’t take much to upset Patrick, and she sure as hell didn’t want to give him any ammunition to use against her, however he saw fit.

Madeline kicked off her own heels as Ryan kicked off his shoes and looked around the apartment. She had never set foot in this place and it felt more at home than where she had been living the last few weeks. Then again, that could be just because she was with Ryan. Anywhere felt like home with him. She looked back at him as she heard him talking about how he would have to unpack when he got home from tour. She smiled softly and shook her head. “ I happen to know of someone who would be more than happy to help you with that. But I heard she runs a steep price,” she laughed under her breath before she moved, finding herself standing in front of his computer. Madeline narrowed her eyebrows as she leaned down, waking the machine with a swipe of her finger across the mousepad. When she saw the thumb icons of the different pictures he loaded she narrowed her eyebrows as she looked at each of them. Sunrises. She felt her heart swell in size as she brought her hand to the mouse pad and clicked through them. Sunrise after sunrise , dated even after she had broken up with him. Madeline felt the catch in her throat and the formation of tears in her eyes, though she didn’t let herself cry. “ Ryan…” she said quietly, finding herself standing up straight. Madeline turned away from the desk completely and walked across the apartment until she found Ryan; punishingly handsome without his shirt. “ You stupid, asshole” she said with a slight shake of her head.It wasn’t reasonable, and she knew it wasn’t true- but she was going to blame him for her next actions, even if she knew that they both knew.. she didn’t care. Madeline clung to him tightly, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissed him, gently at first before all of the pain from missing him enraged her and she took the opportunity to press him against the wall, tightening her fingers into the back of his hair.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan finally found a clean shirt and held it up, examining it to see if it was too wrinkly but then decided he really didn't give a shit if it was. He smiled to himself when Madeline explained that she had a steep price, saying softly with a grin, "Well, I think I have a coupon around here somewhere, or an IOU, or something like that..." Being apart and broken up had been one thing, but knowing they were kind of back together or something or working things out and sneaking around.. it was going to be harder to leave her and go on tour. The only bright side would be his warm welcome home at the end of tour. Ryan turned around when he heard her say his name quietly, looking at her questioningly, "What...?" But she was at his computer. Oh. Probably the pictures he'd loaded on it this morning. He was meaning to show them to her but he'd gotten sidetracked by his hunt for clothes. He raised his eyebrows at her when she said he was an asshole, but just laughed, "Oh yeah?" and smiled guiltily as she came closer. The second she touched him, his hands immediately found her waist, his fingers covering the entire small of her back and pulled her against him as she pushed him against the wall. She could tell him all day how amazing he was and how much she missed him when he was gone but Madeline seriously had no idea what she did to him. It only took one Madeline smile and the world was hers in a second. He didn't know how she'd wrapped him around her finger so quickly, but she did. He'd been over the moon for her since day one whether he realized it or not. All he knew was she lit up the room when she was in it, she put color in his world everyday.

Ryan smiled when she kissed him, realizing how much he had missed this and how much it would have sucked if things had truly ended between them. For one second he waned t be glad she was here, taking her hands in his up next to their shoulders, pressing his palms to hers and intertwining their fingers. He couldn't stop grinning at her, resting his forehead against hers, he teased, "Hey, I love you.Don't forget it now." His hands slipped back around her waist tightly, his forehead against hers and smiled before kissing her back and pushed away from the wall, walking her towards the bed room where he'd actually not been a lazy ass and made his bed this morning first thing because he didn't want to do it when he got home from the show and was tired as hell.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

There was a side of Ryan that not everyone was fortunate enough to see. They wrote him off as shy and didn’t get to know the deeper side of him, when really he was just quiet. There was such a difference between shy and quiet, and that’s why she knew that whenever Ryan said something it was carefully thought out and held importance.Even cute moments, when he was joking about IOU’s and coupons. That boy had a brain that ran a thousand miles a minute,good thing he had long enough legs to keep up. She was slightly surprised when his hands found her hips so quickly, like that was their home. If anything she’d expected him to gently push her away and explain that they couldn’t do this, to be the one that was level headed and sane. But when he pulled her closer to him, any argument against this that might have been able to sway her to stop was completely abolished. Ryan had honestly no idea the effect he had on her. It was like she was in some sort of whimsical trance literally whenever he was around, and she was just completely mesmerized by him. Even the way he rested his forehead against hers, as though it was the most natural thing in the world, sent a nervous chill through her spine.

Madeline smiled as he said that he loved her and kissed him again, not doing anything to move away from his grasp. “ I’ll always love you. Even if we have no idea what we’re getting ourselves into,” she said coyly. They were a train that was sure as hell about to run off the tracks and she knew that neither of them was going to stop what was happening. She stepped backwards as he led her to his bedroom, though did so slightly clumsily since she didn’t know the layout of his apartment, yet. She realized as they reached his bedroom just how glad she was that he was living on his own. She was married , and this.. whatever they were doing, was theirs. And private. This apartment felt safe from everything else. It was easy to push the thoughts of anything but Ryan out of your head, when he was kissing you. He wasn’t your stereotypical heart-throb, but he was the one that was agreed upon every girl in their group to be attractive, and she knew she failed in comparison to him. She stood at the edge of his bed and moved her hand away from his own, only to unzip the side of her dress. She held onto the fabric of her dress nervously, holding it against her stomach so it wouldn’t fall just incase Ryan decided to change his mind at the last minute.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan grinned as he kissed Madeline, knowing this was oh so wrong in so many ways. Madeline was married. But in Ryan's eyes she didn't belong to that man. Madeline belonged to whoever she chose to give herself to and if that was Ryan he was happy. All he wanted in life was to write music and have a girl by his side that he could trust and talk to and someone who knew who he was for all that it was worth. Really knew that when you got to know him, sometimes it was difficult getting him to shut up. Who knew that he liked Taco Bell more then any five star restaurant because it was open at more convenient times. Some one who knew that he waited patiently and excitedly for Shark Week, and would sit beside him and watch it even if she found it less then interesting. He wanted a girl who would sit on the rooftop of his building and try to see the stars through all the smog while he strummed along on his six string and sang terribly because if was easier then trying to sound good. He needed someone who thought his bad singing days sounded amazing. Madeline was all that rolled into the cutest, most beautiful body, she was one of the sweetest girls he knew. And he blindly fell in love with her without even realizing that it had happened. And Ryan O'Neil loved that he'd fallen in love with Madeline Foster. Even when she made things difficult and hard for them. She was still the girl who'd laid beside him under he night sky and told him what she thought about love. And she'd told him love was like stars and they'd agreed that it was like the universe, ever expanding, little stars of light that you could focus on and be completely entranced by. And there were black holes, like problems, road blocks in a relationship, but if you stopped dwelling on them long enough to look around and see the bigger picture, you'd be okay. That was the first time he and Madeline had ever hung out and had a conversation. They'd been so effortless since day one of meeting each other. They just understood each other.

Madeline unzipped her dress and stopped, looking at him tentatively as if waiting for him to stop her. Maybe she was looking for a reason to stop. He didn't want her to feel guilty about this later, after all she was married. But he felt like that guy would never know Madeline the way Ryan did, like now, when he knew the real reason she was hesitant was because she was giving him an option, an easy out. She was putting him before herself. She would never say it out loud but Ryan knew she felt like she didn't deserve him, wasn't good enough for him. He knew she was waiting for the day when he'd decide he wanted something else and up and leave, rock star style. Ryan on the other hand, was more or less waiting for her to realize she could have any guy on earth and question why on earth she wanted him. But at the end of the day, neither of them were going anywhere, and they both knew it. Not barely six months ago, Ryan had no idea what love was like. And some time ago he'd told Madeline that. Told her he'd never been in love, that he could only speculate what it must be like. Then to get hit with it all of a sudden like it was the most obvious, meant to be thing in the universe, was just kind of awesome. There weren't words to describe love, even though people tried to find them all the time. Ryan knew awesome didn't do it justice, but he still thought awesome was one word of many that at least fit the bill, however poorly filling the big shoes or what love really was. And there were lots of guys that would sit there and say love was a crock and it was over rated and they just wanted to party and get laid until they decided to grow up. But Ryan wasn't an idiot. Life was short, he knew it was something he had wanted for himself. He just knew it would come along when the time was right. You can't go looking for it, because sometimes its right in front of you and you miss it. You just have to let it come to you, let it fall into your lap. Much like Madeline did.

Ryan wasn't sure what to tell her, but just the way he was looking at her was probably obvious he didn't intend to stop if she wasn't going to, but he would if she did. It was really all up to Madeline, he was just living in her world. She had more at stake then he did anyways. Ryan gently lifted her arms away from the fabric of her dress, letting it drop to the floor, and smiled, pushing a piece of hair away from her face. Her kissed her softly, wrapping his arms around her and holding her back, moved them both onto the bed, laying just over her. He'd be happy if they never left this apartment, just stayed holed up in this room, never leaving this bed. He could talk to her for hours about anything, nothing. Kissing her never boring. She was Madeline, the girl who made him realize that it was worth opening up to someone when he'd been so determined not to. He kissed her neck, felling the softness of her skin beneath his fingertips, forgetting the outside world, the taxis, the people, the city, his show... it could all wait. Love didn't.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Anyone outside of herself and Ryan that looked at them and thought what they were doing was wrong, didn’t know them. Her marriage was what was wrong. Everything about being with Ryan felt right,was right. It’s not like her husband had proposed with ‘true love’ being his main motivator. He needed someone pretty to have on his arm at the different galas, banquets, events. She needed to move on. And also American citizenship. Ever since she met Ryan her life had been a series of moments. Wonderful, mesmerizing, enticing moments that she got to spend with him, learn about him, be enthralled into his world. Moments without him where she had subconsciously watched the clock, waiting for the time to trickle past until she could see him again, mindlessly checking her phone every two minutes to see if maybe, just maybe, he had sent her a text. Eventually the time with him began to outweigh the time without him. Which was good because it was beginning to feel like further away he was, the harder it was to breathe, like he was her entire source of oxygen, what brought her life, and what came incredibly natural to her. But that had been true of their relationship, too; how effortless it had been. They were two people ,from two completely different worlds who by surface judgment shouldn’t have found anything to get along about. But somehow they had, fitting conversations in easily. Talking about everything from love to God, and even on the off chance that there was nothing to talk about, there was nothing awkward at all about the silences between them. She felt she could learn just as much about him by watching his hands and the way they moved skillfully against a guitar, or the way his fingertips brushed up and down against her arm, as she could listening to him talk about one of his discovery channel shows. It seemed like each progression in their relationship had been seamless as well. The first time they slept together, there was no awkward aftermath, it just felt right. They were in love, and after a while they openly admitted it. The only people they needed to admit it to was themselves. Madeline had been surprised by how supportive all of their friends were of them dating, and most of them seemed to have it already figured out before Madeline and Ryan did that they were in love with one another.

Ryan knew Madeline better than anyone else in the entire world, and the fact that he had achieved that Main six months, when others had known her entire life amazed her. He knew that given the choice between French toast and waffles, she’d pick French toast,that her favorite time of day was just at the sunrise, that he could get away with playing xbox longer if he let her lounge her legs across his lap so that he could keep his hands on her somehow, which was more for her benefit than his own. He knew that when she was convinced to partake in some of his recreational activities that he had to have fruits and vegetables for her to get the munchies on, instead of junk food. He knew what her reaction would be to him singing her favorite song at his shows, or the way she loved when he had to scream in some of his songs. She was sure by now he’d even learned how to tell by her wardrobe whether or not she planned on taking advantage of him in any way she could. Fears, dreams, hopes, secrets, all of it was for Ryan to take. There was not a single man in the entire world that she would put on a pair of jeans for, go out to Taco Bell, order everything on the menu and come back in order to watch Shark Week for; except for Ryan. A moment with him, to see him smile or so entranced by something, was more spectacular to her than any runway she’d ever done.

Madeline never thought she would be the type of woman to ever have an affair. But as Ryan moved her arms to free some of the fabric between them and kissed her again, she knew in her mind it wasn’t some sleezy affair that someone has in their midlife crisis with their secretary in some shady motel. It was Ryan. She loved this man in so many ways that it was impossible for her to describe it. Which only served to be ironic to her, since she believed in her heart that no one could understand that amount of love anyways. Madeline clung to Ryan tightly, afraid that if she let go for just a moment she would wake up and it would be the morning, that this all would have been a dream. She closed her eyes as she felt his lips against her neck, trying to keep the feeling at bay that the room was spinning. Ryan was so amazing to her ; he could get her to discuss things, find out new opinions she never knew she had, get her to talk for hours about something that she had no idea she cared about, and then in moments like this, he could do the complete opposite and render her speechless. Quickly she moved her hands from bring held tightly around the fabric of his sheets and brought them to his jeans, hurrying to unbutton them before sliding them past the hips that were reached at by so many of his fans during his shows. Madeline placed her hands firmly against his chest and pushed him away only slightly, sitting up simultaneously as she did so to keep her lips against his. She moved slowly until she was sitting up on her knees and turned, pushing Ryan back down against the mattress. Madeline smiled down at him, pushing some of her hair behind her ear as she straddled his hips quickly and leaned down to kiss him, gripping her thumbs against the inside of his boxers. Her lips moved against the familiar path of his jaw, neck, collar bone, down to chest and they grazed gently against his hip before she pulled downward with her thumbs, kissing gently against the inside of his thigh as she leaned back forward. Ryan gave so much to her, every day. He gave her a reason to wake up, to smile, to wish upon stars at night. She owed it to him, to give everything she could in moments like this.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

It would be moments like this when both Ryan and Madeline knew this was technically wrong in every way, but he just couldn't see how they were going to be able to just... stop loving each other and stop everything that came with that territory as long as they were together in the same city. It was too tempting. Not to mention, if things were going to be like this, he'd be an idiot not to come back for more. Even if she was married, it took two people to tango and apparently Madeline was all for sneaking around as much as he was. Ryan pulled her up against his chest so that her face was level with his again, kissing her before wrapping a leg around her slim frame and rolling over so that Madeline was positioned beneath him. Without out much thought, he slipped any remaining lace garments from her body, trailing a hand along the soft skin of her thigh. He kissed her neck, wrapping her leg over him and lowered his hips over hers, kissing her again. The thrill of what they were doing was made even more, knowing in the back of his mind that it was wrong. But the sneaking around and the fact that they'd both get a slap on the wrist for this if they got caught made it all the more exciting.

Later...

Ryan laid with his eyes closed beneath the sheets, Madeline resting atop of him. It was quiet except for the sounds of New York City outside, he could feel her heart beating next to his own. Taking a deep breath, Ryan wrapped his arms around her tightly, feeling close to her again as he trailed his hands along the bare skin of her back. This tour had to end soon because he didn't know how long he could be away from her now that they were back on good terms. Plus the more he was gone, the more she'd be her with out him, and with Patrick instead. The thought of Patrick being around her was frustrating. The though of him touching her, kissing her, it was not exactly what he wanted to think about. And of all the times to want to leave those thoughts behind, this was one of them. But stupid Patrick was always lingering in the back of his mind, making him mad that Patrick even existed in her world. Ryan didn't want to break the silence, didn't want to start the conversation that was sure to come when one of them would say they shouldn't do this, or that it had to be kept secret. As long as they weren't talking, they didn't have to go back to reality. If he could, Ryan would have wished for more time to just sit and hold her, not leaving this bed, not leaving this room, this apartment. Without moving her, Ryan reached over and grabbed his phone off the bed side table. He had to be at the venue in one hour almost exactly for sound checks. He let his phone drop against the mattress, sighing. For once in his life he had no desire to go and perform in his own show.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

There had been literally a countless number of times that Madeline had slept with Ryan back in Los Angeles, but now that they were in New York it felt so different. Even the background noise had changed from the beach outside to the busy city life going on around them. It almost made it that much more exciting; where the beach gave you a feeling of seclusion and like you were the only people in the world, the city background made it very obvious that others were living their lives around them. Here they were, entangled in a lie, doing something secretively and it was in the middle of the city that never sleeps. It felt like at any given moment they could be caught. No one had ever touched Madeline the way that Ryan did, and certainly no one had ever been able to send shivers through her body just by holding her. Madeline kissed the outline of his tattoo on his chest before she rested her cheek against it, not wanting to get up and leave his apartment. Ever. She watched as he picked up his phone to look at the time. Even if she didn’t want to leave, she knew that music was the one thing in Ryan’s life that he felt more passionate about than her. She couldn’t keep that from him. But she knew in her heart that she had no intention of stopping what they had started. Any moment she could have with him was worth the risk. If he was going to risk it, then there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that she was going to either.

Madeline wanted to leave her marriage, honestly she did. She’d agreed to it because of a misunderstanding, and knew that if she couldn’t have Ryan it didn’t matter who she was with. Plus in order to stay in the states she needed to do something quickly about her citizenship. But now her reasons for staying were completely different. Patrick didn’t touch her the way Ryan did. She felt shivers when he touched her, but it was more out of fear, a constant recoil whenever he came near her. She was scared of what he was capable of and didn’t want to do anything to push him over the edge. Not that an affair was really going to go over very well if he found out. She wouldn’t say that they shouldn’t do this.And she wouldn’t tell him that this needed to be a secret . She knew it went without saying that they needed to keep this to themselves, but calling it a ‘secret’ made Madeline feel like she was embarrassed of Ryan, when she so clearly wasn’t. She was just more worried about her safety. Instead, she knew that if she was going to keep this part of Ryan’s world to herself, there were certain things she needed to do. Madeline leaned up against his chest, tucking the sheets around her body as she smiled down at him. “ We have enough time to stop by a store and pick up things for me to make you tacos tonight,” she said before she leaned down and kissed him. She kept her lips against his in a smile as she spoke, “ Should we bother making the bed before we go, or leave it for when we come back after your show?”. Madeline kissed him once more, eager to hold onto this moment. If she didn’t get up, he never would and he needed to get ready for his show. She kept the sheets around herself before she stood reluctantly from the bed.