[Ryan] She Calls Me Sweetheart..

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline rested her chin against her knee as she sat against the porcelain floor of the shower. The water was draining all around her and even for her this shower was taking longer than normal. She hated holidays. Birthdays. Big events. They were all reminders of these big, meaningful moments. He wasn’t here for any of them anymore. It was insane to think that Ryan had been there. He had flown with her to South Africa literally within the hour that they found out David had committed suicide. He held his arm around her. He sat with her at the funeral as she watched them bury the one person in her life who she had always counted on, had always been there. She tightened her eyes, moving her face so that she could place her forehead against her knees. His face was still so easy to see. She felt crazy, but sometimes she would swear on her life that she saw him places. At the coffee shop, grocery store, bars, movie theaters, parties, just walking down the street. She saw him everywhere, but on second glance it was always the face of a stranger. And each time it brought a new wave of pain, like he was being ripped away from her again. And again. Even Joel now.. growing up to look so much like him. It made her so proud and killed her all at the same time. ‘ Maddie’ his voice rang into her ears, causing her heart to leap into her throat. Madeline wrapped her arms around her legs as tightly as she could, vaguely aware of the fact that she was squeezing her own skin so tightly that her fingers were beginning to turn white.

‘ Maddie what the hell are you doing with your life?” he had asked her, following her quickly into her bedroom at her parents house as she dropped her suitcase down. ‘Thanks David. It’s good to see you too. You’re right, I have been working out. It IS a new haircut.. just a little tan, Rosie and I did a photo shoot in Hawaii’ she said, offering him a smile as she shook her head. ‘ Can we please not do this? Please? I’m home. For just a few days.. just.. love me, k? I don’t want to fight. You get started, and then dad will. Then Joel will start asking for Angels telephone numbers. Let’s just.. go on our safari. Relax. Soak up some sun’ she said, placing her hands on her hips. ‘ Maddie, please? Listen to me. If you would just LISTEN. I don’t like just talking at you. You don’t hear what I say.’ David said with annoyance in his voice. ‘ Okay. You get five minutes. And then we go back to just enjoying the fact that I am home, okay?’ Madeline asked as she lifted her eyebrow at him before she walked over and sat down on her bed, sitting Indian style as she looked up at him. ‘ Maddie. Do you not see how beautiful you are?’ Madeline opened her mouth but David shook his head, ‘ Shut up I get five minutes,’ he said, causing her to roll her eyes as she smiled, mouthing ‘okay’ to let him continue. ‘You and Rosie both.. you deserve so much more than to have someone appreciate your beauty because you’re half naked. You’re just.. alright. You know the first time I thought you were beautiful? You and I were walking home from school one day and there was a bird outside of our house. Do you remember? It was injured and you took it inside to the garage, nursed it back to health. ‘ he said, watching her to see if she remembered. Madeline sighed, laying back against her headboard as she watched him. ‘ You have always wanted to help people. Always. You could be doing so much more than what you’re doing now. You are beautiful, inside and out. Don’t let the world cheapen you. Promise me you’ll make a difference, that you’ll use your heart and not your body. Maddie, I’m serious. Promise.’ he said as he stood up off of the bed. ‘ Don’t let your legacy be that you filled out something made of lace..” he said, flinching when Madeline punched him in his shoulder. He laughed quietly, looking down at her as he hugged her, ‘ I’m serious, Maddie. Your heart makes you beautiful… you better listen, I won’t always be here to tell you that.”. Madeline at the time had just wrapped her arms around him, hugging him back as she asked simply, ‘ What is that supposed to mean?’.

Just a few months later and she knew what he had meant. Her heart had been ripped out and buried into the ground right alongside him. And she didn’t know it at the time but Ryan had been there the entire time, holding his hand where her heart used to be, keeping her together so she didn’t fall apart completely, looking at her the same way David used to. He had to think she was beautiful, for who she was, not for the way she looked. He had been there every day since her brother had died, every time she needed him. Still she had never verbalized the fact that he had died. She never spoke about it, or acknowledged it. She had cried, what.. once? Refused to talk about it. She refused to talk about it with the one person she talked to about literally everything. Had he not been there the day David had died, he would have never known at all, she would have never mentioned it. The water was beginning to become cold and Madeline lifted her head off of her knees. Ryan wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He wanted to share his life . Wasn’t it only fair for her to do the same? To share all of herself with him? Even if it only meant explaining to him why she didn’t talk about this huge thing in her life with him. Madeline shut the water off before standing up slowly. She didn’t both drying herself off or her hair, which was unusual. Usually she never came out of the bathroom until her legs were lotioned, her hair was curled and dried, make up applied. Instead she pulled on her robe, letting her wet hair stick to her neck and shoulders as she stepped out into the hotel room and looked at Ryan. “ Sweetheart… Can we talk for a second about David?” she asked as she looked over at him laying against the bed.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan had his phone in his hands, sighing as he hit send. He and Felicia were just bickering again about her getting married.... he was just a concerned older brother. And it wasn't like he was saying she shouldn't do it, or couldn't because honestly, it wasn't his business. Ryan just wanted her to do it because it was right not because it had just happened so fast at a weak moment. It made him think about himself and Madeline, how many times he'd wanted to just ask her on a whim, but he never wanted her to think he was asking her because her brother died, or because her husband hit her, or because Joel was in an accident. He just wanted it to be because he wanted to marry her, irregardless of events that had happened. There were so many things that Madeline, and himself, had been through, but she was still Madeline. If you could dig through all the muck and problems and whatever else had been in their way, they were just too people who loved each other and really, what else mattered? He liked that she woke him up early to watch the sunrise, or that she liked to cook for him. He loved that she didn't mind when he'd snap random pictures of her, or that on a rainy day they both could agree to just stay in bed all day and talk about nothing, and yet everything at the same time. Even though she didn't always say what was on her mind, she was always positive, and that sometimes was what kept Ryan positive through hard times.

And it was why even when he was on tour, they both still wanted to make time for each other. Going that long with out seeing her would never do, he would probably go crazy. Madeline had been in the shower for a while, but that was to be expected. She usually stayed in there until she could com out completely ready to go for the day, dressed, dried off, hair dry and styled, whatever else girls did. Ryan didn't mind. She liked to look nice, and if that made her feel good, than he liked her to take pride in her looks too. Whatever she wanted, he was good with. But when Ryan heard eh door open and steam poured out, he saw Madeline, completely undressed, hair still dripping, "What?" he said, was there something wrong with the bathroom or something? Ryan stopped and watched her, hearing her ask if they could talk about David. Of course they could talk about David. Ryan had been practically waiting on the day she might want to talk about it, but he'd never even thought about pressing the matter. That was for her to decide. "Sure, we can talk about David."

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline licked her lips and gave a small nod as he said that they could talk about David. After pushing some of the wet hair away from her face she moved over to where he was sitting on the bed and sat down on the edge of it, looking down at her hands nervously as she placed them in her lap. “ Um..” she started off, narrowing her eyebrows as she tried to think of the best way to talk to him about it. It should be easy. It was the most natural thing in the world to talk to Ryan about anything, right? So why was she having so much trouble talking about something that had completely effected her. “ After David um..” she said again before swallowing hard and taking in a deep breath, “After David died I was severely concerned with how you might perceive me,” she said quickly, as though if she didn’t just spill it out then it might stay trapped inside of her forever. Madeline opened her lips to speak again but then lost the ability and looked back down at her hands. “ Ryan.” she said before sighing and shaking her head. Madeline scratched the side of her forehead before she turned her body on the bed to look at him. Alright this would be easier in his arms. Madeline crawled up onto the bed, placing her wet body and head against his chest where she nestled her arms around him.

“ You look at me the same way David looked at me,” she said with her cheek against his chest, tracing her fingertip against the skin of his body to distract herself. Sometimes it was just easier to talk about your feelings when you were slightly distracting yourself. “ I mean obviously you look at me a little differently. Being in love with me is different than loving me,” she said, trying to make sense of it all to herself. “ David thought I was beautiful for who I was and not how I looked or what I wore..” she said, giving a small smile as she thought back on him, “ I .. I didn’t want to lose how you looked at me. You look at me like I’m beautiful..and.. not hot. I was worried that you would look at me like I was damaged,” she said before correcting herself, “ Am worried,”. She tapped her finger lightly against his skin. “ It only seemed fair to share what I was feeling with you since you want to share your entire life with me,” she said before taking in a deep breath and sighed. “So there it is. You are engaged….to a quack” she said before she looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest as she looked up into his eyes.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan knew there was something wrong when she came out of the bathroom dripping wet, and when she said she wanted to talk about David, he didn't realize she actually wanted to talk about why she didn't want to talk about him. So this was her talking about him, but really just talking about not talking about him... It was a start. This could easily be the end of the conversation, or the prequel to the real conversation. But either way, the fact that she was talking about any of it was really a start. Ryan knew what he was signing up for when he proposed to her. He knew the things she'd been through, both with and with out him. He knew just exactly what she would consider to have made her 'damaged'. But through everything, the marriage, the abuse, David, even that party oh so long ago, and the aftermath of that... there were so many times when Ryan could have looked at her like damaged goods. Talking about David was just one. Ryan had seen worse with his own eyes, dealt with more with her first hand and still, in this very moment, she was the most beautiful person, inside and out. Maybe it was not only knowing all she'd been through, but having been by her side for it all. He couldn't pity her like someone might from a distance. He'd been there to help her through it all. He wouldn't change anything. They leaned on each other on a much deeper level than a lot of married couples did. Trusted each other more. Having experiences that tested them only made them love each other more, brought them closer. Ryan sat back, wrapping his arms around Madeline as she laid against his chest. Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, but then laughed slightly. "You are not a quack." Ryan sat up, "Madeline, listen. Did you think talking about him would make me think you're damaged? Whether you talk about it or not, I still know what happened. I've had a lot of opportunities to look at you like that, for lots of different reasons, but I don't." Ryan leaned over and kissed her, "I mean it, no matter what you say, it won't change how I look at you. I won't think you're damaged, I won't think you're crazy. Promise."

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline rested her cheek against the skin of Ryan’s chest, curling her fingertips towards it almost hungrily as she gave a sigh. “ That’s the thing Ryan. If you weren’t… you , you would have no idea about David at this point. If you hadn’t been there.. if you weren’t who you were to Joel…” she said. She knew herself. She knew what she was capable of handling telling to people. But this wasn’t just anyone. This was Ryan. He held her heart in his hands. He knew every dark secret she held and still chose to see the light in her. He was more than just her fiancé, the man she loved, he was her soulmate. In every sense of the word. Even if she wasn’t in love with him, she would have needed his existence just to stay functional, happy, sane. He had this overwhelming power around her that almost made her feel like he was supernatural. When he was gone, she literally felt like there was a part of her missing. You know that feeling when you can’t remember if you turned your curling iron off, or did you actually lock the door? Every minute he was away on tour felt like that. Moments like this, when she could keep him all to herself, away from the screaming fans, away from the rest of his band, the entire world. She just wanted to spend forever here. He had proven that God was real, heaven was in his arms and when she died and left this Earth, right here with him in this hotel room, or in his shitty car, or on their couch at home, was exactly where she wanted to be. “ You have to be the one amazing thing that has come out of all of this..” she said, trying to make sense of it, “ The relationship between you and Joel.. I don’t want to say that you can ever replace David, and I know you don’t feel that way. I just think it’s easier for Joel to.. replicate.. that relationship with you. Him and David were friends.. I can’t replicate that relationship with you, we’re in love. It’s a bit different” she said, twirling her hair around her fingertips as she tried to figure out how to best express herself.

Madeline blinked, sitting up straight as she turned to face Ryan, pushing the wet hair from her face.
“David taught me how to drive a car. How to sneak out late at night, though Dad always knew when I did..” she said, smiling sadly as she looked down at her hands. “ He hated.. hated Victoria’s Secret. He had the most infectious laugh.. “ she said, feeling her eyes start to tear up. “ We would stay up late at night, after Joel had gone to bed.. doing everything from playing Chubby Bunny to trying to figure out what our lives would be like in ten years. He would talk about me finding someone like you..” she said, sniffling before she brought her hand up to her eyes and pushed the tears away. “He’s the only person in my family that knew you were coming along, and he didn’t get a chance to meet you,” she said before she felt the tears starting to cascade over her cheeks. She started to speak again and felt the catch in her throat before she coughed to clear it and started over, “ I just want to know why..” she said finally, lowering her head into her hands to hide the beautiful disaster of her face when she cried. “ How come he had to do it.. that’s the worst part. I can accept the fact that he felt alone, and that he couldn’t talk to us, because quite frankly.. I feel that all the time. The need to hide things from everyone, always see the bright side. I mean it came to the point where I was keeping stuff from you.. what if… what if I decided to do the same thing that he did? That’s why I’m so glad Joel has you, I know he never would. But David and I are so similar.” she said, admitting out loud for the first time how frightened she was that if it had been such an easy decision for David to make, that it struck fear into her heart to think she was capable of the same thing. “ Why couldn’t he come to me…” she said quietly, licking the tears away from her lips before she slowly brought her eyes back to Ryan’s.

[Ryan James O'Neil]

Ryan understood what she meant, about him being friends with Joel. Ryan couldn't replace David, nor would he ever try, but Joel needed that type of relationship in his life and honestly? Ryan needed it too. Ryan always heard about how much he'd done for the Foster's and how much he'd impacted them. What they didn't understand was how much they'd impacted him. Ryan often looked like this strong person, unwavering, able to put anything put back together. But Madeline and Joel, along with their parents, they offered Ryan what he hadn't ever had, and that was a functioning family. A father that was dependable, a mom that was around enough to take care of them. Not that Ryan's mom hadn't been able to take care of him and his sister, she had. But she spent a lot more time running around, trying to do everything by herself, no partner to share the stress of a family with. The Foster's were what Ryan was missing growing up, feeling part of a family that just opened their arms to you and took you in like their own. It was really reassuring. Ryan knew Felicia thought so too, she felt part of something too when she was visiting with them. In comparison, maybe it wasn't as drastic, but they had offered him things he hadn't had. He'd seen how a real family functions, how David Sr. cared for his family unconditionally. It was because of him Ryan knew he wanted to marry Madeline. He wanted that life, the wife and family, a whole unit. Just to be someone's other half in itself, Ryan wanted that. You support someone, they support you back. He and Madeline were pretty good at it. And besides, as far as Joel went, Ryan was the unofficial role model. Having Joel was good for Ryan, it gave Ryan a good reason to be a good example, made Ryan better himself. Ryan offered a small laugh when she said it wasn't the same though, not for the pair of them, being in love and not just a sibling relationship. "Just a bit different," he agreed.

Madeline told him about David and their relationship. Ryan wished he could have met him, but had he not died, would he and Madeline have this relationship that they did? Ryan would never point that out to her, but given different circumstances where David didn't take his own life, how different would things have been for himself and Madeline? Ryan couldn't explain why things happened the way they did, he couldn't explain to her why David did it, though he nodded when she mentioned it, reaching up to wipe a tear off her face. But he did know that things just did. Happen, that is. Sometimes unexplainable, but they happened. And life played out differently depending on each event. Madeline opened up to him, telling him how she too, felt like that sometimes. Like if David did it, what would stop me from doing it. Ryan sighed, grabbing her hand lightly, holding onto it, "I would never let you, you know." He shrugged, letting out a breath, "I don't know. Maybe there was something else bothering him, something he hadn't told you about. Maybe he was scared to tell you in the first place." Ryan rested on his elbow, watching her. He wished he could answer her questions, but he was as much in the dark as she was. "Madeline," he said, squeezing her hand, "I know it's hard. The 'why', not knowing." He shook his head, "You might not ever have an answer." He knew that wasn't reassuring, but that was the reality he hoped she understood. She may never, ever understand why David did it. And she could either live with it, find peace that whatever life she had shared with him was happy, and cherish the memories she had. Or she could live with it bothering her, eating her alive, letting it consume her. That was something Madeline had to come to terms with, at one point, to let it consume her thoughts and how she remembered him, or decide to remember David the way she knew him, love him the way she always had.

[Madeline Lea O'Neil]

Madeline looked down at her hand as Ryan took a hold of it and brought her thumb back to trace it lightly over his own fingers. He had no idea how magical his finger were. They joked around a lot, people making fun of him because if he sang ‘ Pour Some Sugar On Me’ it meant he was going to get an ‘instant lay’ after doing a performance. But Madeline couldn’t put into words how she felt about Ryan, she was just a model and writers had been around thousands of years, still nothing they wrote quite captured the magnitude of what she felt for him, the awe. He was so much more than a man she was in love with. He bettered her, her family. His passions made him mesmerizing. His arms felt like the safest thing imaginable. They’d been what had kept her standing during her family’s darkest hour. She loved not only him for who he was as her lover and other half, but who he was as a man, a friend, a brother, artist. Every facet of him was so overwhelmingly beautiful to her. She licked her lips, biting down on her lower one as he explained how he would never let her do what David had done, how something else had to have been plaguing him. And honestly, that was probably true. There was something that David wasn’t opening up to them about, something that shook him to his core and made him feel desperate. And as far as Madeline went, she told Ryan everything. The only reason this conversation had taken so long was the fact that she was aware he already knew, she needed to figure it out for herself.

“ I know....” she said quietly before reaching her hand up to her cheek, brushing away the spare few tears she had left. “ I worry about Joel more than myself.. he is constantly working so hard, searching for answers, wearing himself thin.” she said, giving her head a slight shake. “ People see him so differently than I do. The goofiness.. the segway.. onstage charisma. They see it as charming and playful and all I can see when I look at him is a young boy who is trying to mask his sadness,” she said, licking her lips again since the tears seemed to be finding a home there. “ What if he gets so busy hiding things the same way David did..” she said before looking up at Ryan. He cared for Joel just as much as she did, it was one of the qualities that had made her know she loved him. “You know how I love the sunrise?” she asked pointlessly. Yes, he knew. She had an obsession with sunrises and sunsets, it’d been one of the things that defined her. “ It’s just that they symbolize this whole.. fresh start. It makes you feel powerful to know that it’s a new day, you are capable of anything, can do anything, it gives you an inner strength,” she said before smiling faintly at him. “ You’re the only person in my entire life I have ever met who is the physical embodiment of everything that a sunrise means,” she said before laying against his chest and resting her cheek against his skin. “I know God’s real, he gave me you”