Post by Lance James Renner on Aug 26, 2012 14:47:38 GMT -5
Lance laid against his bed in Logan and Blake’s home, having just gotten back from the hospital earlier that morning. He was supposed to wait a specific amount of time before he took the bandages off. The surgery went well in the sense that everything the doctors could have done got accomplished – he wasn’t dead, and they didn’t do any further damage to the rest of his body. However, it was still undecided if he would be able to see or not. The surgery wasn’t a guarantee, it had just been a hope for more. For something, to gain his sight back. And not just in the literal sense, yes that would be nice. But without Kiersten in his life he had lost sight of what was going to mean anything in his life. He couldn’t weigh her down with what he was going through. Lance brought his hand up to his forehead, feeling the dampness and heat beneath his fingertips. He was still so nervous about this. How did he even apologize to her? How did he ask her to take him back if he got his sight. How could he possibly explain it in a way that she would even want him back. She had been the person that was the most eager to help him, and he’d turned his back on her quicker than the blink of an eye. Lance took in a deep breath before he lowered his hands. The lights were on, he knew that much because he had turned the switch on when he came into the room. Navigating around the house had been easy. Honestly, being blind.. he could do it for the rest of his life. He had a routine, he could figure it out. He wouldn’t have to depend on Logan for the rest of his life. But Kiersten.. that was the only reason he wanted his sight back. He couldn’t give her the life she deserved when he was searching around in the dark. He could live without playing basketball with the guys or always having perfectly matched clothes, accidentally putting spinach on his plate instead of mashed potatoes. What he could never forgive himself for is not being able to work a job that would provide Kiersten the lifestyle she deserved, creating a handicap for not only himself but for her as well. So he missed her, every day, minute, of his life. He could hear her laughter in his dreams, and feel her smooth skin under his fingertips. Then every morning he woke up, trapped in the darkness, in the own prison he had created for himself that kept him for being with her in the way he felt she deserved.
Now or never thought to himself reaching up and pulling off the bandages in a quick swipe. There was a moment where he felt like his heart had stopped, like it might burst inside of his chest. “ No..” he said quietly with almost despair as his hand reached up into the nothing that had swirled his surroundings for the past couple of months. “ No” he said a bit louder, finding his way off of his bed on his own before he stumbled over to the lightswitch. Maybe he didn’t turn it on. But he switched it back and forth multiple times trying to do anything to get it to come back. “ GOD DAMNIT NO” he screamed out at the top of his lungs, his hand gripping onto the side of the doorframe as roughly as he could. Blake had taken all of the glass out of his room when he moved in, just incase anything were to happen. But now, he just wanted to break something. He wanted something to be broken just as much as he was, to be shattered and imperfect. Lance felt the back of his dresser before pulling it down, letting it crash to the floor. He turned back towards the wall, throwing his fist into it as roughly as he could. When he pulled back it stuck a bit, causing him to rip it out. No, couldn’t see it.. but he could feel the blood dripping to the edge of his fingertips. The same fingertips he could feel Kiersten slipping right through. There wasn’t a single moment where he ever regretted jumping in front of that bullet. He would rather Kiersten be alive than not be with her, but had he not changed his life? He’d become a better person, largely in credit to her. He wanted to go to school for business, he didn’t do drugs. Often. At least he didn’t do ones that came with a little Rx behind it like he had been addicted to for so long. No needle marks on his arms, not injecting anything that was foreign to his body. He’d been kinder, tried harder in school. Then he had been blessed enough to know what love feels like, only to have a circumstance rip her from away from him. That was his punishment? Lance brought his hand which surely had blood along the inside of his palm by now up to the wall to steady himself as he made his way towards the staircase. He was downstairs but surely Blake and Logan had heard what was going on. Just like that he was colliding into Blake’s body. ‘Shh..’ she tried to say comfortingly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Lance collapsed putting his face into her shoulder as he felt the tears come and let her hug him before the rage inside of he brought his hands up to her shoulders and pushed her away as much as his anger let him. Which in all honesty wasn’t fair, Blake was tiny and he could hear her collide into the wall roughly. “ Don’t come near me” he said loudly, unsure if Logan was near them or not. The small thought occurred to him that.. Kenzie might be sleeping. Well, doubt she was anymore. Lance turned away from where he thought Blake still was, trying to make his way for the door. No one let him go outside on his own. He could do it if he wanted to. Who the fuck cared if a car hit him. Everything happened for a reason right? God had a plan, that’s what everyone kept fucking telling him.
Now or never thought to himself reaching up and pulling off the bandages in a quick swipe. There was a moment where he felt like his heart had stopped, like it might burst inside of his chest. “ No..” he said quietly with almost despair as his hand reached up into the nothing that had swirled his surroundings for the past couple of months. “ No” he said a bit louder, finding his way off of his bed on his own before he stumbled over to the lightswitch. Maybe he didn’t turn it on. But he switched it back and forth multiple times trying to do anything to get it to come back. “ GOD DAMNIT NO” he screamed out at the top of his lungs, his hand gripping onto the side of the doorframe as roughly as he could. Blake had taken all of the glass out of his room when he moved in, just incase anything were to happen. But now, he just wanted to break something. He wanted something to be broken just as much as he was, to be shattered and imperfect. Lance felt the back of his dresser before pulling it down, letting it crash to the floor. He turned back towards the wall, throwing his fist into it as roughly as he could. When he pulled back it stuck a bit, causing him to rip it out. No, couldn’t see it.. but he could feel the blood dripping to the edge of his fingertips. The same fingertips he could feel Kiersten slipping right through. There wasn’t a single moment where he ever regretted jumping in front of that bullet. He would rather Kiersten be alive than not be with her, but had he not changed his life? He’d become a better person, largely in credit to her. He wanted to go to school for business, he didn’t do drugs. Often. At least he didn’t do ones that came with a little Rx behind it like he had been addicted to for so long. No needle marks on his arms, not injecting anything that was foreign to his body. He’d been kinder, tried harder in school. Then he had been blessed enough to know what love feels like, only to have a circumstance rip her from away from him. That was his punishment? Lance brought his hand which surely had blood along the inside of his palm by now up to the wall to steady himself as he made his way towards the staircase. He was downstairs but surely Blake and Logan had heard what was going on. Just like that he was colliding into Blake’s body. ‘Shh..’ she tried to say comfortingly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Lance collapsed putting his face into her shoulder as he felt the tears come and let her hug him before the rage inside of he brought his hands up to her shoulders and pushed her away as much as his anger let him. Which in all honesty wasn’t fair, Blake was tiny and he could hear her collide into the wall roughly. “ Don’t come near me” he said loudly, unsure if Logan was near them or not. The small thought occurred to him that.. Kenzie might be sleeping. Well, doubt she was anymore. Lance turned away from where he thought Blake still was, trying to make his way for the door. No one let him go outside on his own. He could do it if he wanted to. Who the fuck cared if a car hit him. Everything happened for a reason right? God had a plan, that’s what everyone kept fucking telling him.
