Post by Logan Chase Renner on May 15, 2015 21:14:45 GMT -5
Logan’s biggest fear in life had come to fruition. It was in Logan’s nature to take bad situations and fix them. That is what he did, he fixed things that needing fixing. He handled it, no matter what the problem. This problem, he couldn’t fix. He couldn’t be with his wife every moment of every day. He had to put his faith in the universe that it would treat them well; that after every rough patch they’d had to endure, they would be able to pull through. As a family. Because that is what they are, a family. Blake, he knew, was his family. And as fast as a poor decision and poor reflexes, his love was in a dire situation. Logan had experienced a lot of emotionally trying moments in his life. This one topped them all. The entire way to the hospital to be with her all he could think about was he should have been there. He should have driven her that morning. He should have convinced her to stay home. Or meet him for lunch out somewhere else. Now she was in critical condition and the state of their child he hadn’t even wanted to begin to consider right now. It was too much. They had already had such loss in their lives. His mother, unborn children, school shootings, Joel… There wasn’t anything Logan wouldn’t do to try to fix this one.
Upon arrival at the ER, there were way too many things happening. Blake was in and out of consciousness. She had a head injury, there was no telling if she had memory loss, or the extent of it. At least not in the state she was in. They were delivering the baby early. She was in distress as it were, but they seemed confident an early delivery would turn out okay. Logan hated feeling like he had no control over anything. Their daughter was born. He felt like he couldn’t breathe until they checked her out and made sure she was healthy. Even then when they let him hold her all he could do was look down and see Blake’s eyes looking back at him and he felt torn apart inside. They were going to keep her for a while to keep an eye on her. Hours blurred into days. The baby was doing okay, but Blake had slipped into a coma. They kept telling him they had to wait for the swelling to go down. Then they would be able to tell how serious things were. She was on life support. A week went by and Logan could barely bring himself to leave her side except for Kenzie or the baby. His heart was breaking, slowly. He couldn’t stop time from going on without her while she slept. They were soon telling him he could bring the new baby home. How could he bring a baby home without her mother? He’d had to introduce Kenzie to her little sister without Blake there. After a few days they had begun to really press him about a name. They were supposed to have more time to decide for sure on the name that they liked, and now he had to name their daughter without his wife. He only had one name to cling to, one they had agreed on some time ago but had been waiting to decide for sure. Logan named her Emma, as they had agreed, after Blake. He’d had to bring her home to a house without a mother. Blake’s parents tried to be helpful, and for a while they were, with Kenzie and Emma, but Blake’s condition was taking a toll on them all. He’d sat one afternoon, as he did sometimes, in his office at home with his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. Emma was asleep. Kenzie was down for her afternoon nap. He was alone for long enough to let himself fall apart before he had to pull it together again. He had to pull it together, after all, he was currently acting as a single father to a toddler and a new born. Things weren’t looking good at the hospital, and the truth was he felt that when he returned that afternoon that the news wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear. He hadn’t heard the small feet creep into his office and never looked down until be felt the tiny hand tugging on his pant leg. Logan looked down at his 3 year old, who looked back at him with wide, clear blue eyes. Lost without her mom, confused as all hell; she was too little to understand what was going on and yet as she handed him a juice box and told him she “Need a cold one,” he figured that even at 3 Kenzie knew it was all wrong.
It had been 2 weeks since the accident, and no progress. Logan couldn’t seem to wrap his head around what the doctors were saying. All the specialists had been in, they’d done testing, they’d waited, but the only thing they could tell him now was that no one believed she was coming back. Not one doctor believed in any kind of recovery and seeing as the only thing keeping Blake alive at that moment was the life support, the only advice of the doctors was to let her go. Logan sat at her bedside, holding her hand, squeezing it, willing the life back into her. “Blake,” he tried softly, shaking his head, “Please. I don’t… I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how I’m supposed to…” How much longer could he go on like this, denying the facts. He couldn’t bring himself to believe that she really would never come back to them. To their daughters. To Logan. If she was in there she would fight, was fighting. Blake would never leave him if she could help it, he knew that; it was the only thing he had to hold onto. “Please, come back,” he whispered, as if talking too loudly would scare her away, “I’m right here. I promise, I’ll stay, I won’t leave, just…. Please, come back to me. I love you.” He clung to her hand, watching her eyelids like he might be able to will them open if he tried hard enough. “I need you.” He felt the hot tears well up, defeat washing over him.
Was this how it ended? Blake Renner; the songwriter, music star, mother, his wife. How was this the end of her story? It couldn’t be, this was not how she would have written it. She had so much life ahead of her, so many more songs in that head to be written, daughters that needed her. That single thought broke his heart into so many pieces that he knew for sure weren’t mendable. Would he go home, the first of many times he would for the rest of his life, to a house where she no longer existed? Would he raise their daughters without her? Was this life’s cruel way of telling him he had enough? Life was too good, he’d robbed it of too many things? But hadn’t they played their cards right? He couldn’t return home to two little people, not like this. How could he raise them knowing that his decision ended their mother’s life. What if she never woke up, what would their daughters think of him then? That he was a coward? Weak?
He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. Ending his wife’s life was one decision he could never make. There had to be some other way, some doctor that had faith, like Logan did. Blake was strong enough. Their love was strong enough, wasn’t it? It would bring her back to him. It had to. He would do whatever he could, pull out all the stops, make every phone call, do anything and everything to the best of his abilities. But he wouldn’t give up on Blake. That, he could not do. The door opened and Logan wiped at his face, turning to see Blake’s parents. They looked as upset as him, but also somewhat nervous. Her mother wouldn’t look at him, or Blake. “Logan… son…” her father began, cautiously, like walking toward an animal that’s about to flee, “There isn’t anything they can do.” “There has to be something.” “Please, Logan. She’s not… Blake isn’t with us anymore.” Logan shook his head, “No. She’s still here, someone can do something. We need more time. We can call more doctors, have more tests done.” Blake’s mother was crying, her father stony faced. Her father dropped arm around his wife’s shoulders, “Logan, she is not coming back. This-“ he motioned to his daughter laying still in the hospital bed as if she were in a deep slumber, “This isn’t a life she deserves. Being kept alive by some machine, this isn’t the life any of us would want for her.” “Of course I don’t want this for her, I want her to get better.” Logan couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “So that’s it? That’s your decision, you want to shut it all off?” He felt frantic, he was shaking, trying to keep a level voice. “There isn’t any doctor that believes in the slightest she could make a recovery,” he father added, choking on his words, “We have to let her go…”
“No.” Logan stood up, suddenly angry, “This isn’t the end.” “Logan she is suffering, being kept alive, for what? For what, our daughter doesn’t deserve a life like this! We want-“ “It’s not what you want!” Logan felt his hands balled into fists, slowly releasing them, and took a deep breath, “It isn’t your decision. It’s mine. I will not pull the plug on my wife. I’m not giving up on her, not yet.” Blake’s mother looked like she couldn’t even bring herself to words, and her father was turning red in the face, “This is just like you, Renner. Selfish right until the end.” “Excuse me? She’s the mother of my children, my wife! I haven’t given up on her like you have, that makes me the bad guy?” “Years, Logan. Years, I sat back and watched my daughter, my baby, pine over a guy that didn’t even look twice in her direction. Don’t tell me about wanting the best for your children, that is mine lying there, I know what I’m letting go of. But she deserves better than lying in a bed for the rest of her life. By the time you realized what you were missing, you weaseled your way in, you turned her life into a soap opera, got her pregnant, you left her! I watched you break my baby’s heart too many damn times, and you always come crawling back, selfish. That’s what this is. Selfish.” Logan had never seen the man express much emotion, let alone this much, and it was hard to be upset with them. They were broken hearted, too. “Let her go.”
Logan wouldn’t leave. He had some paranoid fear that if he left her, someone would make a decision behind his back, give up on her. He had some inkling that whatever relationship he had with his in-laws was somewhat tarnished, yet he couldn’t bring himself to care. They’d given up on Blake. In Logan’s eyes, what they wanted at this point didn’t count. Now, at least, Logan knew how her father felt about him, perhaps had thought about him all along. Maybe Logan was being selfish, but he just wanted more time. Needed it, actually. Even Logan’s own father had popped in, trying to talk some sense into him. “Logan, there isn’t anything that anyone can do, I know you don’t want to, but you have to start trying to make some decisions here.” Logan could only stare at him, a man who had let go of his wife once. Things hadn’t exactly been peachy all Logan’s life. “Don’t you think it’s unfair to keep her like this?” “What do you know? Aren’t you the king of giving up on family, you gave up parenting me, you shipped Lance off to boarding school, you let Leah marry that jack ass when you should have been scaring the shit out of any guy that walked through the door! You do not get to tell me what to do.” Logan’s dad walked closer, “No, I don’t.” He looked sad, and for once, he looked his age. “I uh… I guess I didn’t do right by you kids. When you’re mom died… it really tore me up. It wasn’t easy. It was easier, the distance. It was the easy way out, not being the world’s #1 dad. But it wasn’t right. I never really got over her, your mom. I’m not going to tell you what to do, I know it’s your choice to make. And I know you’ll make the right one. But that life? What I went through, I don’t want that life for you. You love her. Do what you have to. If the time comes and you have to make that choice… it will be hard. But you should know that I’m here for you. All of you, your brother, your sister. I kinda sucked I guess, growing up. But I love you. I’ll stand by what you decide.” He shrugged, years of regret and lack of affection weighing on him. It was a poor time to make amends with his own dad, but in a way, having a parent wrap you in a hug and tell you everything would be okay felt like the only comforting thing Logan had at the moment. Even standing there, holding tightly onto the man who single handedly screwed up Logan’s childhood, Logan was looking at a perfect example of someone whose life was forever affected by the loss of his wife. And for some reason Logan still believed him when he said he cared. “I can’t let her go, dad.”
Logan spent a week calling every medical professional in the country that was anyone. He had blocked out the awful possibility of anything less than fixing things. The way he saw it there was no other option. By some miracle he located a doctor that was researching a new procedure and was willing to look at Blake. Some part of Logan was uneasy, being protective of her meant he didn’t want anyone doing anything unless they were sure it might help. The other part of him knew that if it didn’t work, what was he losing that wasn’t already gone? He had to try, for her. After all, he’d do anything for her. Logan called Blake’s parents to tell them they were going to try the surgery. He wasn’t sure if they just resented him enough not to have a clear response or they too were clinging to this last piece of hope. At this point Logan foolishly had all of his hopes up. He was aware of the fact that if this didn’t work, it would crush him. The real end. A real goodbye. He couldn’t bring himself to even think about it, not yet. The surgery was long. Logan’s eyes burned with weeks of no sleep, but his mind was alert when the surgeon approached him in the waiting room. The surgery had been difficult but with no major complications; they would have to wait to see the results. Time to heal, regain steady vitals. He would wait for her, forever, as he always told her he would.
Small things began to happen, over time. Things Logan thought he was imagining; the slight movement of a finger, she was getting stronger somehow. With each hour that passed, Blake’s doctor became more confident in her condition. Other doctors that hadn’t thought it could be done, were amazed at her progress in just a few days. 24 days after the accident, Logan sat, like he did every day since, beside her. He was reading a book of all things. He couldn’t focus on work related paperwork, but the ability to leave his worries through a book, if even for a few minutes, was oddly comforting. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw her hand move. His heart leaped wildly as he tried to calm himself. He should get the doctor, honestly. But he felt it deep in his heart too that she was trying to wake up. Blake was trying to get back to him, and he wasn’t going to miss it for the world. Minutes passed and he closed his book, not wanting to stare at her, until he realized that the bright blue eyes he’d been remembering and imagining for weeks were not his mind playing tricks on him. They were real, blinking, opening slightly taking in the light, beginning to glance around. Logan felt he had stopped breathing. No amount of money could equal this moment, no amount of waiting could have prepared him for the overwhelming rush of relief and complete love for someone that would take over his mind. He knew his thoughts were premature, he knew that even awake, they didn’t know what her condition would be, but even so he smiled at her knowing that she had come back. As she tried to focus he stood and called for the doctor in the hallway so they could know just exactly how she was doing. But he was so sure that finally fate was on his side today. Blake had come back, and she had come back to him.
Upon arrival at the ER, there were way too many things happening. Blake was in and out of consciousness. She had a head injury, there was no telling if she had memory loss, or the extent of it. At least not in the state she was in. They were delivering the baby early. She was in distress as it were, but they seemed confident an early delivery would turn out okay. Logan hated feeling like he had no control over anything. Their daughter was born. He felt like he couldn’t breathe until they checked her out and made sure she was healthy. Even then when they let him hold her all he could do was look down and see Blake’s eyes looking back at him and he felt torn apart inside. They were going to keep her for a while to keep an eye on her. Hours blurred into days. The baby was doing okay, but Blake had slipped into a coma. They kept telling him they had to wait for the swelling to go down. Then they would be able to tell how serious things were. She was on life support. A week went by and Logan could barely bring himself to leave her side except for Kenzie or the baby. His heart was breaking, slowly. He couldn’t stop time from going on without her while she slept. They were soon telling him he could bring the new baby home. How could he bring a baby home without her mother? He’d had to introduce Kenzie to her little sister without Blake there. After a few days they had begun to really press him about a name. They were supposed to have more time to decide for sure on the name that they liked, and now he had to name their daughter without his wife. He only had one name to cling to, one they had agreed on some time ago but had been waiting to decide for sure. Logan named her Emma, as they had agreed, after Blake. He’d had to bring her home to a house without a mother. Blake’s parents tried to be helpful, and for a while they were, with Kenzie and Emma, but Blake’s condition was taking a toll on them all. He’d sat one afternoon, as he did sometimes, in his office at home with his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. Emma was asleep. Kenzie was down for her afternoon nap. He was alone for long enough to let himself fall apart before he had to pull it together again. He had to pull it together, after all, he was currently acting as a single father to a toddler and a new born. Things weren’t looking good at the hospital, and the truth was he felt that when he returned that afternoon that the news wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear. He hadn’t heard the small feet creep into his office and never looked down until be felt the tiny hand tugging on his pant leg. Logan looked down at his 3 year old, who looked back at him with wide, clear blue eyes. Lost without her mom, confused as all hell; she was too little to understand what was going on and yet as she handed him a juice box and told him she “Need a cold one,” he figured that even at 3 Kenzie knew it was all wrong.
It had been 2 weeks since the accident, and no progress. Logan couldn’t seem to wrap his head around what the doctors were saying. All the specialists had been in, they’d done testing, they’d waited, but the only thing they could tell him now was that no one believed she was coming back. Not one doctor believed in any kind of recovery and seeing as the only thing keeping Blake alive at that moment was the life support, the only advice of the doctors was to let her go. Logan sat at her bedside, holding her hand, squeezing it, willing the life back into her. “Blake,” he tried softly, shaking his head, “Please. I don’t… I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how I’m supposed to…” How much longer could he go on like this, denying the facts. He couldn’t bring himself to believe that she really would never come back to them. To their daughters. To Logan. If she was in there she would fight, was fighting. Blake would never leave him if she could help it, he knew that; it was the only thing he had to hold onto. “Please, come back,” he whispered, as if talking too loudly would scare her away, “I’m right here. I promise, I’ll stay, I won’t leave, just…. Please, come back to me. I love you.” He clung to her hand, watching her eyelids like he might be able to will them open if he tried hard enough. “I need you.” He felt the hot tears well up, defeat washing over him.
Was this how it ended? Blake Renner; the songwriter, music star, mother, his wife. How was this the end of her story? It couldn’t be, this was not how she would have written it. She had so much life ahead of her, so many more songs in that head to be written, daughters that needed her. That single thought broke his heart into so many pieces that he knew for sure weren’t mendable. Would he go home, the first of many times he would for the rest of his life, to a house where she no longer existed? Would he raise their daughters without her? Was this life’s cruel way of telling him he had enough? Life was too good, he’d robbed it of too many things? But hadn’t they played their cards right? He couldn’t return home to two little people, not like this. How could he raise them knowing that his decision ended their mother’s life. What if she never woke up, what would their daughters think of him then? That he was a coward? Weak?
He couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. Ending his wife’s life was one decision he could never make. There had to be some other way, some doctor that had faith, like Logan did. Blake was strong enough. Their love was strong enough, wasn’t it? It would bring her back to him. It had to. He would do whatever he could, pull out all the stops, make every phone call, do anything and everything to the best of his abilities. But he wouldn’t give up on Blake. That, he could not do. The door opened and Logan wiped at his face, turning to see Blake’s parents. They looked as upset as him, but also somewhat nervous. Her mother wouldn’t look at him, or Blake. “Logan… son…” her father began, cautiously, like walking toward an animal that’s about to flee, “There isn’t anything they can do.” “There has to be something.” “Please, Logan. She’s not… Blake isn’t with us anymore.” Logan shook his head, “No. She’s still here, someone can do something. We need more time. We can call more doctors, have more tests done.” Blake’s mother was crying, her father stony faced. Her father dropped arm around his wife’s shoulders, “Logan, she is not coming back. This-“ he motioned to his daughter laying still in the hospital bed as if she were in a deep slumber, “This isn’t a life she deserves. Being kept alive by some machine, this isn’t the life any of us would want for her.” “Of course I don’t want this for her, I want her to get better.” Logan couldn’t believe what he was hearing, “So that’s it? That’s your decision, you want to shut it all off?” He felt frantic, he was shaking, trying to keep a level voice. “There isn’t any doctor that believes in the slightest she could make a recovery,” he father added, choking on his words, “We have to let her go…”
“No.” Logan stood up, suddenly angry, “This isn’t the end.” “Logan she is suffering, being kept alive, for what? For what, our daughter doesn’t deserve a life like this! We want-“ “It’s not what you want!” Logan felt his hands balled into fists, slowly releasing them, and took a deep breath, “It isn’t your decision. It’s mine. I will not pull the plug on my wife. I’m not giving up on her, not yet.” Blake’s mother looked like she couldn’t even bring herself to words, and her father was turning red in the face, “This is just like you, Renner. Selfish right until the end.” “Excuse me? She’s the mother of my children, my wife! I haven’t given up on her like you have, that makes me the bad guy?” “Years, Logan. Years, I sat back and watched my daughter, my baby, pine over a guy that didn’t even look twice in her direction. Don’t tell me about wanting the best for your children, that is mine lying there, I know what I’m letting go of. But she deserves better than lying in a bed for the rest of her life. By the time you realized what you were missing, you weaseled your way in, you turned her life into a soap opera, got her pregnant, you left her! I watched you break my baby’s heart too many damn times, and you always come crawling back, selfish. That’s what this is. Selfish.” Logan had never seen the man express much emotion, let alone this much, and it was hard to be upset with them. They were broken hearted, too. “Let her go.”
Logan wouldn’t leave. He had some paranoid fear that if he left her, someone would make a decision behind his back, give up on her. He had some inkling that whatever relationship he had with his in-laws was somewhat tarnished, yet he couldn’t bring himself to care. They’d given up on Blake. In Logan’s eyes, what they wanted at this point didn’t count. Now, at least, Logan knew how her father felt about him, perhaps had thought about him all along. Maybe Logan was being selfish, but he just wanted more time. Needed it, actually. Even Logan’s own father had popped in, trying to talk some sense into him. “Logan, there isn’t anything that anyone can do, I know you don’t want to, but you have to start trying to make some decisions here.” Logan could only stare at him, a man who had let go of his wife once. Things hadn’t exactly been peachy all Logan’s life. “Don’t you think it’s unfair to keep her like this?” “What do you know? Aren’t you the king of giving up on family, you gave up parenting me, you shipped Lance off to boarding school, you let Leah marry that jack ass when you should have been scaring the shit out of any guy that walked through the door! You do not get to tell me what to do.” Logan’s dad walked closer, “No, I don’t.” He looked sad, and for once, he looked his age. “I uh… I guess I didn’t do right by you kids. When you’re mom died… it really tore me up. It wasn’t easy. It was easier, the distance. It was the easy way out, not being the world’s #1 dad. But it wasn’t right. I never really got over her, your mom. I’m not going to tell you what to do, I know it’s your choice to make. And I know you’ll make the right one. But that life? What I went through, I don’t want that life for you. You love her. Do what you have to. If the time comes and you have to make that choice… it will be hard. But you should know that I’m here for you. All of you, your brother, your sister. I kinda sucked I guess, growing up. But I love you. I’ll stand by what you decide.” He shrugged, years of regret and lack of affection weighing on him. It was a poor time to make amends with his own dad, but in a way, having a parent wrap you in a hug and tell you everything would be okay felt like the only comforting thing Logan had at the moment. Even standing there, holding tightly onto the man who single handedly screwed up Logan’s childhood, Logan was looking at a perfect example of someone whose life was forever affected by the loss of his wife. And for some reason Logan still believed him when he said he cared. “I can’t let her go, dad.”
Logan spent a week calling every medical professional in the country that was anyone. He had blocked out the awful possibility of anything less than fixing things. The way he saw it there was no other option. By some miracle he located a doctor that was researching a new procedure and was willing to look at Blake. Some part of Logan was uneasy, being protective of her meant he didn’t want anyone doing anything unless they were sure it might help. The other part of him knew that if it didn’t work, what was he losing that wasn’t already gone? He had to try, for her. After all, he’d do anything for her. Logan called Blake’s parents to tell them they were going to try the surgery. He wasn’t sure if they just resented him enough not to have a clear response or they too were clinging to this last piece of hope. At this point Logan foolishly had all of his hopes up. He was aware of the fact that if this didn’t work, it would crush him. The real end. A real goodbye. He couldn’t bring himself to even think about it, not yet. The surgery was long. Logan’s eyes burned with weeks of no sleep, but his mind was alert when the surgeon approached him in the waiting room. The surgery had been difficult but with no major complications; they would have to wait to see the results. Time to heal, regain steady vitals. He would wait for her, forever, as he always told her he would.
Small things began to happen, over time. Things Logan thought he was imagining; the slight movement of a finger, she was getting stronger somehow. With each hour that passed, Blake’s doctor became more confident in her condition. Other doctors that hadn’t thought it could be done, were amazed at her progress in just a few days. 24 days after the accident, Logan sat, like he did every day since, beside her. He was reading a book of all things. He couldn’t focus on work related paperwork, but the ability to leave his worries through a book, if even for a few minutes, was oddly comforting. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw her hand move. His heart leaped wildly as he tried to calm himself. He should get the doctor, honestly. But he felt it deep in his heart too that she was trying to wake up. Blake was trying to get back to him, and he wasn’t going to miss it for the world. Minutes passed and he closed his book, not wanting to stare at her, until he realized that the bright blue eyes he’d been remembering and imagining for weeks were not his mind playing tricks on him. They were real, blinking, opening slightly taking in the light, beginning to glance around. Logan felt he had stopped breathing. No amount of money could equal this moment, no amount of waiting could have prepared him for the overwhelming rush of relief and complete love for someone that would take over his mind. He knew his thoughts were premature, he knew that even awake, they didn’t know what her condition would be, but even so he smiled at her knowing that she had come back. As she tried to focus he stood and called for the doctor in the hallway so they could know just exactly how she was doing. But he was so sure that finally fate was on his side today. Blake had come back, and she had come back to him.
